Nasty Experience

A sick middle name like Charlie Flu Brown” – Black Milk

I have been blessed by the Lord for most of my life with good health. I have never been admitted to hospital thankfully, the most time I have spent in hospitals was just enough time for me to get stitches. As luck would have it I have an irrational fear of hospitals and doctors, I always feel as though if deat had a smell, it would smell like a hospital. My luck ran out yesterday when I had to go and get a whole check up done. It was a pretty nice spot, no death smells and the receptionist was fly so I was easy. As I sat there flipping through old issues of FHM, the first doctor call me in.

I checked in and it was relatively simple, she just wanted to check my blood pressure and suck some blood out of my veins like a vampire but before she did this she asked me to take my shoes off so that she could check my weight. Now some of you may or may not know that I live mad raw. This means that the rawness does not stop at the box but even with my gear. I ran my thoughts quickly knowing that I had on torn socks and I knew that I had to remove my shoes and socks simultaneously. I was successful with the first foot which was when she said I needn’t take off the socks. I quickly quipped that I don’t to be the guy with one sock on so I took off the other.

This was going good until I saw her pick up to itty bitty containers and placed labels with my name on them and I knew the moment I dreaded had arrived. See, my girlfriend, yes you read right, I might be an alkaholik with a penchant for talking trash on this blog but there are some special girls who find yours truly to be the shit, anyway I digress. My girlfriend and I were texting and she told me that I would have to pee and poop in a cup but I was telling her there is no way but as expected I was wrong and she was right. My major problem with this was that I had already taken a crap before the hospital so where was more going to come from?

I check in to the loo and for the next half an hour or so I struggle to get some shit out of my large 98kg ass! It was horror and when it finally came out the sucker was disintegrating in the water! It was like soil…oooohh…that’s why they say you soiled yourself. I figured since I couldn’t scoop it up I just picked it with the water and shut the container. I need to get off my liquid diet because its resulting in light shit. Please note when I say liquid diet I don’t mean one of those detox diets, I mean that I stay on that alkahol all night all day.

Thinking that it was over I decide to bail but I’m led to another room where I meet another doctor. She looked like with one glance she would have a diagnosis, like “this patient suffers from heart disease, liver cirrhosis, gout, VD…Oh yeah, he also has VD”. I sat down and we started talking about my medical history. It was pretty downhill from here with nothing to write home about. What I learned from my little experience at the clinic is that they need to prepare someone mentally for the kind of stuff that you have to go through at the doctor’s. I need to know that I will be scooping up shit, taking items of clothing off and what not.

Have you had a nastier experience this week?

Pamoja!!!