Friends: What’s your circle?

They say that three is company & four is a crowd/ but not if you’re one of the illest, realest niggaz around – 2 Chainz

I was listening to the god 2 Chainz today looking for reasons as to why I should continue living what at times seems to be a pointless kind of life. As is customary, Mr. Tauheed Epps better known to you mere mortals as 2 Chainz aka Tity Boi aka Titty 2 Necklace, didn’t disappoint. As I was listening to this banger, “Money Making Mission”, for motivation, the bar I have posted above hit me & got me thinking about friendship.

As a child & even as a teen most humans strive to be popular, always wanting to be the dude or the chick with the most friends; the one that gets invited to all the parties; the individual everyone wants at their table or on their team. We all crave acceptance. The facebook made things worse, fools (myself included) added random people they have never met as friends. The twitter is like a marathon on who will have the most followers at all costs (read nudes)!

I digress. The point is that 2 Chainz prompted my analytical mind to group the kind of friends you & I have and the kind of friends you & I are to those in our circle. Sidebar: Shout out to The Circle going down on Saturday at Legend in Karen, now how about them tickets? Ha! As I was saying, friends, and I use the term loosely, will fall under the following:

The Stan.

Unless you live under Achieng Abura or Gabourey Sidibe then you must be familiar with the classic rap record by Eminem titled Stan about an obsessed fan.

For the purpose of this blog, a Stan is that acquaintance who wants to be just like you. They start to dress, talk, act & in extremes even date just like you. The female Stan will “borrow” your clothes & never return them, the male Stan will buy shoes just like yours, ape your mannerism & even try to fuck your girl coz he’s trying to be just like you. This happened to me. I can’t make shit up.

The Tampon.

This is that guy or chick who will only remember you when they need something or when things are looking up for you. They are only there for a period (see what I did there?) only to soak you up like a damn tampon.

They will soak up your time, energy, money, food, alcohol, drugs…basically whatever you have that they can suck from you, they will. When you have nothing to offer don’t bother looking for them, you’re the equivalent of a pregnant woman waiting for her menses…not coming!

The Supplier.

This friend is the opposite of a tampon. This is that buddy who will always be on a mission to get you high or drunk or both high & drunk. This friend usually has money when everyone else is conveniently broke & all (s)he wants is your company while you engage in some debauchery. Not a bad friend to have unless you have dependency issues coz then you’ll never get clean.

The Pimple.

This is that annoying friend who you might happen to know from school, work or the social network. See, (s)he isn’t really a friend but you know each other & they cling on to you because they want to be cool by association. Like that pimple that you want to pop but if you do you’ll look worse so you bear with it.

My motto here is; Vumilia tu, kuteseka ni kwa muda.

Bonga Points.

This is a really good friend to have. You genuinely share common interests with each other to the point that you have shared bodily fluids & bumped uglies, yaani you have had sex! You both keep it friendly, sharing your issues & occassionally shag. It’s as if you redeem the points gained from the sharing & caring for vagina/ penis. Wait…this sounds like a relationship….

I guess this is also where relationships fall under.

Ride Or Die aka OTF.

These are your true friends. They are only a handful. They are the reason Lil Reese made the song “Us” where the famous phrases “Small circle with no new niggaz” & “I don’t even trust niggaz/ OTF its just us niggaz” came about. OTF stands for Only The Fam (Family).

Your family is always there for you & definitely fall under this category then there’s a few people who are always by your side: when the chips are down & when the money’s up; when you fuck up & when you do good; and when dreams become nightmares they help turn those nightmares back to dreams.

With that said, what circle do you think you’re in?

Pamoja!!!

Engayed : Born This Way!

“Take some time rejoice today coz Baby you were born this way” – Lady Gaga

This morning I awoke, just before the police wake up & the thugs go to sleep, to ensure I make it to the field where I work like a hebrew slave to support my nasty habits such as, erm, eating! As I crawled off my mattress my favorite Gaga joint was playing on the radio and immediately the cogs in my mind got to turning!

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past year or so let me throw you a bone! Here, catch! Get familiar real quick!

This awesome record’s commercial success & the Gag queen’s immense popularity got me thinking about the whole gay rights issue, that mind you, I have championed since before it got all trendy! It made me think that for you to be relevant or have some kind of success you best jump on that gay rights bandwagon or as I choose to call it GET ENGAYED!

The world’s illest dictionary, defines engayed as 2 gay people who are preparing to ge married but I beg to differ. I think it’s using the issue of gay rights to gain popularity/ notoriety.  Let me break it down.

1. Over the weekend Governor Cuomo, God bless him, made it legal for gay couples to get married in the state of New York! This was done just before the annual gay parade in NY was to go down! Talk about perfect timing! Today, I’m on Forbes (YES! I do read Forbes Magazine) and what do I see? CUOMO FOR PRESIDENT! Makes you think, has gay rights become the new Women’s lib? Is it the new civil rights movement? Is it the new fight for the right for women to vote? Hell yeah it is! And about time! Cuomo’s future is a whole lot brighter for getting engayed!

2. The music industry has been suffering over the past 10 years or so. Apart from the Eminem & Taylor Swift it’s damn near impossible for a pop act to sell 1 million records in their first week. This was a feat 2Pac accomplished in a matter of hours back in ’96! That says a lot considering how shitty most of “All Eyes on Me” was.

Let’s go to a few weeks ago, the gag queen bka Lady Gaga drops her album, “Born this way” and it moves 1.1million units in the States & 2.2million worldwide! This may be attributed to the fact that logcally gay men should have more disposable income than heteros. Think about it. Hetero men spend their money on women, who need to be pampered & bought random bullshit gifts in the name of dating! Gay men just need to buy each other a few beers & some nyama choma right? I bet my last 90 50cts coins that a hetero date costs 3 times as much as a gay date!

This will mean gay men have lots more money to buy CDs & comb iTunes for the gag queen’s new record as opposed to the hetero man who’s too busy forking out his earned loot to 2 baby mamas & planning for another on the way!

On the twitter, she’s popular, fuck that! She’s damn near 1million times Jesus in terms of followers! All this because a scary looking girl with a funny name, (what thefuck is Germanotta?), met an African man who couldn’t sing but had a label & decided to get engayed! By hopping on the gay rights  bandwagon, the gag queen is now the highest paid female musician in the world!

I hope it is now clear that to succeed today you must get engayed! Hop on the gay rights bandwagon and get paid! If you still need a push, here goes. Remember Jane Kasczmarek? No? She played the mother on Malcolm in the middle. Like everyone else on the cast, after Frankie Muniz grew up & decided crashing cars is a better living, she fell from the limelight. Now she’s back! Guess why? You’ve guessed it! Standing In Ceremony: The Gay Marriage Plays!

Lastly I just want to add that the world would be an entirely boring place if we were all the same. Word to the gag queen, we’re all different & always remember that God doesn’t make mistakes. Now here’s a little something from Rise Against. It’s called September’s Children. The record speaks for itself.

Pamoja!!!

A little herb to ease your mind

“Finally the herbs come around” – Collie Buddz

I could use some big phat blunt to help me get into  the zone. But seeing as i don’t smoke, I can get high of the music. Here are 3 super songs about the herb from a guy who named himself after the grass.

Give Thanks Everyday

“I’m an artist so I’ve got to have a bad collection” – B.o.B aka Bobby Ray

I woke up to the sound of three gunshots today that had my heart racing at 4 in the morning. I immediately gave thanks to the Lord for enabling me to see another day. I then decided to take stock of what I was thankful for and it was an awful lot! We take our lives and what we have for granted most of the time because we are always craving more.

I decided sometime back to be thankful for every little thing that I have or receive because somewhere on this big blue planet there is someone who will be without that one thing that you’ve neglected. Take for example, when you woke up this morning, how many of you reading this bitched about having to bath/ shower with cold water or having to fetch the water because it wasn’t running from the shower/ tap?

How many of you wished for a different breakfast than what was before you? How many bitched about the matatu ride or the traffic jam on the road? How many of you complained about the noise at the city centre or the subpar building where your work? These are only a few examples where you could have been thankful for water to bathe as there are people with no water to drink, let alone the luxury of a bath.

You could have been thankful of the food as others in places like Haiti go hungry. You could have been thankful for a road network and the peace and stability that enables you to travel in public to work. You could have taken time to be thankful for the sense of hearing and sight and while at it thanked the heavens for having a means of gainful employment.

Nas once said “Life is what you make it.” If you spend your time and hence most of your life being negative, then your life WILL suck! Take it from someone who was negative for most of his life on earth. I have developed a new positive attitude that is working and I can guarantee you that if you try it, it will work in your favour.

As you go about your business, be positive and most of all, be thankful for everything you receive and possess, tangible or intangible. Here’s something to jam to that gets me in the mood I need to be in when I begin my day.

Pamoja!!!

Big Brother Revolution Housemates Review: Alkaholik Version

“I like the way she licks her lips/ see me jockin/ put a little twist in her hips coz I’m watchin” – 2Pac

The Big Brother Africa phenomenon is upon us again. This time it’s been dubbed Big Brother Revolution. I have chosen to do as I did last year due to your requests. Here’s the  alkaholik perspective on the housemates.

TEDDY

My favorite housemate and unfortunately the first one evicted. This dude is fresh and is so funny, he’s the kind of guy you want to have at the monthly houseparty. He’s also the likely partner in crime when you do some messed up antics that get you banned from the local.

JEREMY

I love that this guy provides eye candy for the girls and so I give him his props but that’s where it stops. He’s otherwise too boring for. He can only be useful for pulling chicks at the bar, and then I can take over the entertaining bit. We can have a symbiotic drinking relationship.

KEVIN

Naija boys are taking over so this dude can be the best to roll with in order to get into clubs free. He raps so I could probably claim he’s M.I. once I throw some stunners on him. I can see myself kicking freestyles with him and jacking his brilliant t-shirts.

PALOMA

AKA Gari Kubwa. Paloma has the quintessential traditional African body. With an infectious laugh and smile the only downer would be when she tells everyone to stop drinking at midnight when Jonah has just started hooking us up with free cocktails!

LIZIWE

She has some serious DSL’s. She loves Jay-Z so that’s cool but she strikes me as the gold digging type especially the way she’s always quick to deny this. I could booze with her at the crib but not at a bar as she’ll probably order the expensive shit and you know Bella don’t play that!

KRISTAL

She is uber confident which I like, no, love! She is the kind of girl that when you have by your side, it commands attention. She knows how to handle her drink and the only downer would be buying her numerous cigarettes. She’s super connected too so you can expect to mingle with the uppity class.

YACOB

Very laid back and knows his booze but is a serious manipulator. This dude is the kind who’ll have the table laughing earlier in the night but fighting each other by the end of the drink plan. I wouldn’t hang with him and a bunch of volatile people.

EDWARD & ERASTUS

The twins who all the girls think are disrespectful to women. I love Erastus’ weird stories so I can definitely picture hanging out with him on numerous drink sessions. His brother, not so much. However, I would never pass out around these two because they may pull some white boy shit on you (picture a carrot up your ass).

QUINN aka SKELEMBANI

The white boy. I have some professional issues in common with him with regards to radio and so we can bond over that. When it comes to drinks, I wouldn’t let him tag along when we hit joints frequented by the ladies of the night coz we’d have to beat them off with a stick!

EMMA

The boss bitch! I mean that in the nicest way possible. This chick is hot and she wears the trousers in her relationship with Jeremy. I can’t see myself hanging out with her as she’ll dictate everything from the watering hole to home time.

GERALDINE

She can play a mean guitar but then claims to be saved and is kind of shy. If her twin is the direct opposite of her character wise, I’d rather hang with her.

NKENNA

This is the one you’d take to the club when you want to dance. She can shake it, No long ting! Bad drinking partner though.

MZAMO

Now this is a girl I would love to have a drink with. Her voice may be annoying but damn, I can see us getting up to some serious debauchery. I hope she gets that money!

LOENEL

He’s a DJ so we can gel over the music. However, he’s a martial artist and I abhor violence and exercise. I don’t see any drinking prospects with this one coz like most DJ’s he doesn’t drink excessively.

MAGGIE

The model, definitely instrumental when you need a date for one of those cocktails where the guests are mostly white people, like at that German ambassadors’ Kikwetu gig. That’s it!

EDNA

I can see myself drinking myself to a stupor as she regales me with stories in her portugese accent. She was evicted on the 1^st week so didn’t get to know her.

WAYOE

The politically conscious rasta! I can never have a drink with this guy. In Maina’s words, Never Ever! Don’t get me wrong, I am a pretty conscious brother……..when I’m sober then I need a drink!

PHIL

I loved this dude’s Rick Ross beard but he strikes me as the kind of guy who’d get his feelings hurt by my insensitive jokes. I may have beers with him but no Waragi coz I’d be talking so much shit, the bartender would need a pooper scooper!

RENE

This white girl struck me as the kinky type so it would be crazy to get high around her as it may result in some tantric sex!

ELIZABETH

I love her being the new generation of mixed race Indian Africans. However she stays talking about her tattoos! We can bond over a shot or two but nothing heavy.

HANNINGTON AKA BLACK JESUS

My second favorite housemate and now that Teddy’s gone, the one I’d like to see get the cash then Mzamo. I like him coz he can be very funny when he wants to and looks like he can party. However, he is a poser, at times pretending to know so that he doesn’t come off uninformed. I see us tearing down East Africa!

Barrack that vote! Don’t let Hanni be evicted! Vote Here!

Pamoja!!!

Transformers 2….really?

“Get the picture, now commit the crime/ when it’s on I transform like Optimus Prime” – DMX

I miss 1999. That was one great year. It was the year that I completed high school, it was the year that Eminem dropped his first LP, The Slim Shady LP and it was the year of the dog. What do I mean by that, 1999 was the year that saw DMX at his prime with 2 incredible albums and a rough, rugged and raw rhyming style that blew me away as a teen writing my own rhymes. I was reminded of this wonderful year by the trailer to the upcoming Transformers 2 movie, “Revenge of the Fallen” that I received in my email this morning.

I didn’t think that the first Transformers movie was all that but then again what comic book geek such as myself ever thinks that the movie adaptation to any comic was great? (See Punisher, Blade, Superman…the list is endless) I did however think they did a pretty good job especially with the effects, it’s just the character distortion that I didn’t and never appreciate and Hollywood stays doing it. Anywho, back to the Transformers 2 trailer, my brother had already peeped it and said it looked fan-fucking-tastic (I paraphrase) but I laughed it off.

Now I am forced to swallow my words. The trailer looks awesome, showing the transformation and action sequences from a few scenes as well as giving a taste of one of the new characters which looks like something out of Beast Wars (which I never gave a shit about, mind you). The trailer brings to mind Entourage, when they did the amazing trailer for Medellin but the movie was absolute shit! It is a Michael Bay film which is a plus for action movie lovers but Bay isn’t exactly known for his depth in bringing out a story so I don’t entirely look forward to it.

All in all it will drive the crowds into the cinema halls in Nairobi as they keep feeding us with the blockbusters as they explode across the summer screens in the US. I’ll just do this movie the way I do with my liquor, wait for the cheap or free bootleg to drop. Who knows, Megan Fox might show a boob in this one….NOT!

Pamoja!!!

James Bond Is Useless…well not completely…

Top down, wheels spinnin’” – that fruit from The Clipse

 

I haven’t posted in a while. Some people that know me personally actually asked me whether I still remembered that the blog existed. The truth is that I have been suffering from very serious blogger’s block. I tried on quite a number of occasions to write something but stayed wallowing in pools of fail. After I suffered another loss this week at work I think I just decided to go for it with nothing to lose. I decided to just let my fingers make love to my keyboard as those of you who have read this since last year know, blogging is my budget therapy.

 

Yesterday I went to watch this new Bond movie and I must add that I haven’t been a Bond fan since Sean Connery. I therefore had really low expectations when I walked into the movie hall to check out the latest offering, Quantum of Solace which someone very dear to my heart had referred to as Quantum of Urine. I was to see why as the movie progressed. This movie went beyond shit, it was indeed urine! I saw that one of the writers was Paul Haggis the award winning writer of Crash, a movie that I loved by the way, and the best story he came up with was this?

 

At that moment as I sat there sipping my snuck in Napoleon watching in utmost disgust at the amount of failure this movie is I realized though I have blogger’s block, if I was to write again and I was afraid that it wouldn’t be any good, nothing can be as bad as Quantum of Solace or Dennis Craig’s portrayal of Agent 007. The man makes James Bond look like a street urchin! I bet the 6 other people at the cinema hall were as disappointed as I was but just weren’t drunk enough to be as vocal as I was about it.

 

I have no voice today due to all the shit talking that I did to the screen last night so now I want to look for an white woman with a flat booty and lots of money to buy me liquor and listen to my problems. At least I can thank Bond for one thing, he got me writing again.

 

Pamoja!!!!

The Questions

“Vile maisha yangu ni mbaya yako ni shadow” – Wardhes.

There are numerous times that I have to walk the Nairobi streets when I’m on the grind. There are only 3 things I can do to keep myself from getting bored. I either rap to myself as I walk coz my broke azz can’t afford an i-pod, my dome is my i-pod. The other thing is I admire and appreciate all the lovely azz and pretty faces that my sistaz are walking around with in this beautiful city of Nairobi. The third is taking time to ask myself questions that I have no answers to kind of like that song ‘questions’ that Common and Mos Def did on the’ Like Water For Chocolate’ album. Here are a few of those questions.

 

1.Why is it that most girls with tig ol’ bitties (for the slow ones, that’s big ol’ titties) most likely have small, flat or non-existant booty?

2.Did you know that there is a police post those sides of the voo (for the slow ones, Carni) and it’s called West Park? Why do mofos keep getting jacked then?

3.Why does the Kane Extra from Uchumi taste sweeter than the one sold at most locals? We must be sipping some non-electronically tested ish at the bar!

4.Why are dudes obsessed with Lillian Muli? Baby girl is not that fine and she wears a whole cake of make up even when she gets off the set. In Dave Chapelle’s words, “I seen her!”

5.Do people know that the phrase “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one” was first spit by Ice T? Or that the line “Turn off the radio, turn of that bullshit” was originally spit by Ice Cube and not Dead Prez? There’s whole bunch of others that I can’t think of right now.

6.Why are jang’ men usually attracted to yellow yellow mamas? The dark sistaz got it going on too man!

7. How is it that Hip Hop is the only genre of music that tries to get you out of the game coz of your age? Why can’t the young dudes accept and let the old heads rock?

8.Why do I black out when I drink too much?

9.Why are people so sensitive nowadays? They want to ban music, they don’t want Richard hitting both the girls in the BBA house, they censor what you say, they don’t respect your opinion. I once saw a kid almost cry trying to defend some south rapper in an argument? Like Jay said, “Sensitive thugs/ you all need hugs/”

10. What if girls had penises and boys had vaginas? What would sex be like?

 

Pamoja!!!   

It’s me bitches!!!

“I’m fly in YSL, I’m paid for this shit/ Got bitches high as hell n they fuckin like AIDS don’t exist” – Nas.

 

Woke up this morning and no, I didn’t get myself a gun, I was getting some good hed from Kim Kardashian….yes Kim of the fake gluteus maximus fame. Kim who made a sex tape with Ray J. Kim who is called a lying ho by bossip at any given time. I look over as she gives me brains and who do I see? None other than Dame Dash…yes former Mr. Half of the Roc, he’s smoking a crack pipe with his wife and he’s looking over at me jealously probably wishing he still had all that cake that he used to make over at Roc-a-Fella coz he would have been in my shoes. As Kim gives me fellatio, the music in the background is Little Brother’s new ish and I am feeling totally inebriated.

 

Glad I made it away from all that madness that I had to deal with so now I just party. I haven’t even posted on the blog in a minute due to the buttload of money that I have to spend since I met Jay Z last weekend in a club on the low and spit that fire that people like to call hot lyrics and he needed that hot ish right quick. He moved me to NY the next day. Here I am chilling with alkahol, women and hip hop. My advance could buy a small country….mmm….Chad I think….LOL!  Feeling like an old dictator, money machine keeps beeping, I got the continent at my feet. Then the room shook. Snap! Back to reality. I awoke with a massive hard on. Got out of bed and smiled, put the CD on, pressed play and out the speaker came the yell…”It’s me bitches!”

 

The blog is back, don’t sleep on it!

 

Pamoja!!!!