Kuwa Serious In 2012 : The 10 Rhyme Commandments.

“Follow these rules you’ll have mad bread to break up/ If not, 24 years on the wake up!” – Notorious B.I.G.

The other day on the twitter I got into a conversation with one of my followers and he suggested that I bring Kuwa Serious to the twitter. To catch you up, Kuwa Serious was a feature I developed for one of my radio shows. Basically it involved me finding 3 or so stories in the news that displayed the stupidity that is humanity & taking a piss! Now that you know, I have decided to do a Kuwa Serious for Nairobi folks that’s kind of a fuck you to 2011 & all the best to 2012.

As you may or will soon discover, the only thing bigger than my ego is my genius…or do I mean penis? Oh, what the hell here goes. I give to you, the 10 rhyme commandments you should adhere to in 2012. Thanks B.I.G…..and God I guess.

Rhyme No.1: Cool is cool/ it doesn’t need a handle as a tool.

Why in the name of Avril’s mother’s union underwear do people think that they can use twitter as a cool pass? Just because you’re on a social network doesn’t make you cool or in any case better than anyone else. Fools get a twitter handle, talk a little smack, get a few retweets & start thinking they’re Mick Jagger! You aren’t, you’re still that sad person fronting behind a screen! < Did you see that! Genius. On to the next.

Rhyme No.2: It’s just twitter/ not the lemon, bitter!         

Can people stop catching gotdamn feelings over what someone else has said online? I mean, what the hell? I like joking & I can make fun about anybody or anything. Nothing’s private, No one’s sacred. If it offends you, get over it. Don’t be chanting all over the place like you’re about to unleash Armageddon. Shit. Did God die & made you…well, God ? I don’t want to mention names because you know these characters.

Rhyme No. 3: If you ain’t bout it/ don’t shout about it.

I always tell my man, people are sheep. It is for this exact reason that we have a bunch of dumb asses running this beautiful nation of ours. You know nothing yet you run around talking like you invented the shit! Don’t claim it if you ain’t name it. Can all these posers style up in 2012. Don’t come up to me when I’m talking about Muthoni The Drummer Queen’s new single & feel compelled to add, “I know! That mama has so much drama!” Like what the fuck? Really?

Rhyme No 4: Get it spend it/ own it don’t lend it!

It’s going to be election year in 2012. With that comes campaign money. Politcians will be riding around throwing more money at Kenyans the same way I feel compelled to throw money at a stripper. But I don’t. I’m cheap like that. Take the money they will give you, feed yourself, feed your kids, buy an iPhone, shit I don’t care. But when you cast your ballot use some gotdamn sense!

Rhyme No.5: Peek it, if you don’t speak it/ don’t tweak it!

Can we please speak English in 2012? I am tired of text messages that take 15 minutes to decipher & I still don’t comprehend it! What the hell is “Mrg. Thx gt t.”? Something to do with the mortuary & surround sound? Fuck it! If you can’t speak English leave it the fuck alone & speak in a language you’re fluent in!

Rhyme No.6: It’s played out/ let’s have it laid out!

I’ll be the first to admit it. When the leso dress came out, I loved it. I would have copped my girlfriend one had she not left me. Then all of a sudden, as is often the case with the Nairobi vagina owner, damn near all of them had one! I am sick & tired. Do yourself a favour cut that dress up & let’s sit on it at a picnic or something. It can still be useful. As for those shiny suits…just burn those!

Rhyme No.7: It’s an oil well/ not a wishing well!

Speaking of vagina owners. Girls, can you please stop mismanaging your vaginas! Why are girls giving it up to every Dick, Dick & Dick who flashes a glance in their direction? Is that their idea of women’s lib? To get as many penises as possible to peruse their vagina walls? God gives you great power when he bestows the vagina upon you, it’s precious. As Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility”. Stop that shit in 2012!

Rhyme No. 8: You’re our stars/ not aliens from Mars.

This is to our National soccer & rugby team! What in the name of Nameless’ receding hairline is going on guys? You’re supposed to be our pride & joy not our shame & despair. Style the hell up in 2012 & let’s see some wins! 2011 saw us lose the mothalovin Safaricom 7s! Damn.

Rhyme No. 9: YMCMB or MMG/ it’s initials not gospel to me.

Teenagers & rap fans with peculiar taste in music, can you stop acting as if everything that has the said initials is hot! I admit there are some hot records from these 2 camps. But most of the cats on these 2 labels just need to say the initials & have idiots jump up & down going ape shit like LPG prices just came down! What the fuck is a Gudda Gudda? Fail.

Rhyme No.10: More love/ less hate all glove!

Now that I got that off my chest, can we love one another? Like my current favorite female singer Nanjira says “There’s too much hate in the world”. Can we spread love? In 2012 let’s dead the beefing and start the loving. By the way, use a rubber! Don’t get caught out like me, some of these vagina owners are harvesting sperm to plant babies on this already overpopulated planet.

Let this be your guide, your map & dare I say it, your Bible as we roll out into 2012. Let’s Steve Jobs 2012! By that I don’t mean get cancer & die…though you probably will. What I mean by Let’s Steve Jobs 2012 is let’s win in 2012!

Pamoja!!!!

Advertisements

13 Responses to “Kuwa Serious In 2012 : The 10 Rhyme Commandments.”

  1. FABIAN FABIANSKI Says:

    nigga you have nailed it on point

  2. This blog is on point, you should have a show on radio considering the Kenyan radio market need salvation, or better get a column in a newspaper or magazine

  3. On point. I hope everyone will take all these into consideration. I’m going to live by this…. Big up!!

  4. Howard Stern would be afraid of YOUR radio show! LMAO!

  5. Ha! That would be something!

  6. wagwan! You are taking no prisoners on this one.

  7. Praka Amwayi Says:

    On Rhyme No. 7 – It’s not only gals who are giving up vagina to every dick, dick and dick. It just came to my realisation that, there is this one brother I know, he been digging into vagina like there’s an olympics for it and he wants to break a record. Funny thing is, many vagina owners far and wide…are coming to realise that, he been with them. So, guys also need to chill on vagina digging this 2012.

  8. Ay`jaab bro!!1 Keep up

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: