The Vagina Club : The B & Dub Version

I love em brown yellow Puerto Rican or Haitian/ the name Phife Dawg from the Zulu Nation – Phife of A Tribe Called Quest.

This past weekend, my girl accorded me the lovely honor of being my date to 31st Edition of Blankets & Wine otherwise known to me as B & Dub. The main reason I was excited was because technically it would be our 1st date. The other reason was because an artist I consider a god amongst mortals, Eric Wainaina was set to perform a few songs off of Love + Protest, his spectacular new album.

This post however isn’t about music. It’s about women. Seeing as I wanted to enjoy the music & my lovely companion to the fullest I decided not to drink too much whiskey. I was in moderation mode which left most of my acquaintances in awe, as never before has the Jesus Juice played the backseat for one of my dates. This sobriety resulted in a lot of observation on my part especially with relation to the bearers of vagina i.e. women.

In our beautiful city of Nairobi there are as many vagina owners as there are Toyotas. However, after careful bird watching, if you will, I have characterized & grouped the female of the species into the following major clubs:

The Phat Girls Club aka The PGC

These vagina bearers will be in a pack of between 4 to 5 girls, each of whom makes the needle on the weighing scale tip to the extreme right when they get on it. There will always be 1 skinny girl in their midst. One theory for this may be that the skinny girl wants to make herself look good to the hovering vultures aka Team Mafisi. The other theory is that The PGC wants to throw outsiders off the scent that the real reason they all hang out together is to hate on skinny bitches (not my words). One thing about The PGC is that they are always strikingly beautiful face wise, are usually uber intelligent & actually come to the B & Dub for the music.

The Posers Club aka The PSC

These are the vagina bearers that I dislike. As the name suggests these girls are nothing but posers! These are the girls who you will see wearing the biggest hats & some African print/ leso attire with a dolled up face. Dolled up is an understatement, The PSC come through with faces covered in war paint & trust me, war paint it is because they come ready for battle. The PSC comes to B & Dub to fight for the penis of some uppity ass new/ old money yuppie dumb enough to believe the hype. A sharp penis bearer such as myself has probed deeper to realize, they know nothing about the music, the artists, the uppity lifestyle they’re trying to portray or even the drink in their hand! These are the ones who think Single Malt is a beer & Rosé is pronounced Rose. One thing though, they’re always very attractive.

The White Girls Club aka The WGC

These are as the name suggests the Caucasian vagina owners. They usually don’t dress up, come through with a picnic basket full of goodies accompanied by their white boys who proceed to take their tops off & bask in the African sun. They are really hilarious to watch dance & if you can show them a move or two, chances are high that you can hit that. Trust me, I speak from experience. All you need is to make sure you’re wearing beads of some sort & know at least 1 song in Swahili or any other native language. They are good fun but I’m lactose intolerant, just black coffee no sugar, no cream.

The Uptown Girls Club aka The UGC

When I say uptown I don’t mean Harlem or the dancehall station. I’m talking vagina owners who reside in the leafy burbs! The girls who live the uppity lifestyle from breathing uppity air, sipping uppity drinks, dining at uppity restaurants to stroking that uppity penis! Most of The UGC come from old money. A typical member of The UGC’s last name can be found in your Form IV history books (that’s for my 8-4-4 niggaz…if there are any who read this genius blog). They fall into 2 categories: UGC Drama & UGC Lost. UGC Drama will raise hell in an instant over the littlest shit coz they think know they own Kenya. UGC Lost have emotional issues & find poverty romantic. If you’re a broke nigga, Christmas comes early!

The Aspirational Girls Club aka The AGC

I love these vagina bearers. These are the vagina owners who work hard every day to make a better life for themselves and their children if they have any. They typically have middle class backgrounds but have made it to middle level or even top level management in Corporate Kenya. They are usually genuinely interested in the arts coz they figure this is what uppity ass people do with their free time right? Or someone, usually a boyfriend put them on. They want to be in the society pages they perused as teens, they want to be noticed & dare I say it, they want to be famous. They are often very aggressive & call it a girl’s day out when actually no man wants to be caught dead near them lest his penis gets chopped off for looking at another woman.

The Society Girls Club aka The SGC

These aren’t as the name suggests the elite. These are the furniture. They are at every party & event you will ever attend. No matter the day, No matter the time. Some may be event organizers but mostly they’re the girlfriends/ side pieces/ wives of entertainers, athletes & rich old men. If you don’t think Kenya can produce a “reality show” like Basketball Wives, I am ready to unleash “Rich Old Men Side Pieces”. They are the girls who will want to be in every picture & will randomly strike a pose at the sight of a camera flash!

The Groupie Girls Club aka The GGC

Last but definitely not least, right? The GGC aka The Groupie Girls Club as the name suggests are the groupies! They want to be around famous penises & vaginas. They may not even necessarily want to fuck but just to be kind of famous by association. You will always find them perched on a blanket where an artist, media personality or politician’s son is sipping. I know right? When did being a politician’s son qualify you to get groupies? I work hard on this blog for my groupies! I digress. The GGC are always good fun as they massage egos however when they get greedy with the Black Grouse the ensuing embarrassment is often catastrophic.

These are the observations I made at some of the lovely vagina bearers who came through for what can be described as one of the most epic editions of B & Dub since its inception. Eric Wainaina killed it & buried it so deep that Liquideep couldn’t find it to kill it again. Liquideep were rubbish performers but then again, they’re new to this & can only get better right?

Here’s the song that reminds me of how my 1st date ended. Liquideep with Alone. Shut the fuck up & listen to the lyrics before drawing conclusions!

Liquideep – Alone

Pamoja!!!

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13 Responses to “The Vagina Club : The B & Dub Version”

  1. haha hillarious…I’ll have to figure out whare I belong Hmmmmm….lol

    • Saliva Vic Says:

      Ha! I don’t think you quite fall into any of these categories yet Ruth. You’re still young. All the mentioned girls are above 25!

      Pamoja!!!

  2. LMAO… You are ninja..

  3. Haha very well put Vic..Nice post…hmmm tries to find a category that i fit in here..:)

  4. Best Kenyan Blog so far

  5. Praka Amwayi Says:

    Ahahahhahaha Dude (if I may call you that for now), si you have made my rather dull Friday interesting. Vagina gets what vagina wants – I once overheard a chic say she’d had 52 strong, and still counting (she should read this post).

  6. Your next step is to include more of it in your cooking or get it from supplements.
    By drinking a cup of boiled milk mixed with a tea spoon of turmeric powder for couple of days before going to bed will definitely cure the mouth ulcers.
    It leaves a cooling effect that is very effective in relieving
    pain.

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