Archive for December, 2011

Kuwa Serious In 2012 : The 10 Rhyme Commandments.

Posted in Uncategorized on December 31, 2011 by Saliva Vic

“Follow these rules you’ll have mad bread to break up/ If not, 24 years on the wake up!” – Notorious B.I.G.

The other day on the twitter I got into a conversation with one of my followers and he suggested that I bring Kuwa Serious to the twitter. To catch you up, Kuwa Serious was a feature I developed for one of my radio shows. Basically it involved me finding 3 or so stories in the news that displayed the stupidity that is humanity & taking a piss! Now that you know, I have decided to do a Kuwa Serious for Nairobi folks that’s kind of a fuck you to 2011 & all the best to 2012.

As you may or will soon discover, the only thing bigger than my ego is my genius…or do I mean penis? Oh, what the hell here goes. I give to you, the 10 rhyme commandments you should adhere to in 2012. Thanks B.I.G…..and God I guess.

Rhyme No.1: Cool is cool/ it doesn’t need a handle as a tool.

Why in the name of Avril’s mother’s union underwear do people think that they can use twitter as a cool pass? Just because you’re on a social network doesn’t make you cool or in any case better than anyone else. Fools get a twitter handle, talk a little smack, get a few retweets & start thinking they’re Mick Jagger! You aren’t, you’re still that sad person fronting behind a screen! < Did you see that! Genius. On to the next.

Rhyme No.2: It’s just twitter/ not the lemon, bitter!         

Can people stop catching gotdamn feelings over what someone else has said online? I mean, what the hell? I like joking & I can make fun about anybody or anything. Nothing’s private, No one’s sacred. If it offends you, get over it. Don’t be chanting all over the place like you’re about to unleash Armageddon. Shit. Did God die & made you…well, God ? I don’t want to mention names because you know these characters.

Rhyme No. 3: If you ain’t bout it/ don’t shout about it.

I always tell my man, people are sheep. It is for this exact reason that we have a bunch of dumb asses running this beautiful nation of ours. You know nothing yet you run around talking like you invented the shit! Don’t claim it if you ain’t name it. Can all these posers style up in 2012. Don’t come up to me when I’m talking about Muthoni The Drummer Queen’s new single & feel compelled to add, “I know! That mama has so much drama!” Like what the fuck? Really?

Rhyme No 4: Get it spend it/ own it don’t lend it!

It’s going to be election year in 2012. With that comes campaign money. Politcians will be riding around throwing more money at Kenyans the same way I feel compelled to throw money at a stripper. But I don’t. I’m cheap like that. Take the money they will give you, feed yourself, feed your kids, buy an iPhone, shit I don’t care. But when you cast your ballot use some gotdamn sense!

Rhyme No.5: Peek it, if you don’t speak it/ don’t tweak it!

Can we please speak English in 2012? I am tired of text messages that take 15 minutes to decipher & I still don’t comprehend it! What the hell is “Mrg. Thx gt t.”? Something to do with the mortuary & surround sound? Fuck it! If you can’t speak English leave it the fuck alone & speak in a language you’re fluent in!

Rhyme No.6: It’s played out/ let’s have it laid out!

I’ll be the first to admit it. When the leso dress came out, I loved it. I would have copped my girlfriend one had she not left me. Then all of a sudden, as is often the case with the Nairobi vagina owner, damn near all of them had one! I am sick & tired. Do yourself a favour cut that dress up & let’s sit on it at a picnic or something. It can still be useful. As for those shiny suits…just burn those!

Rhyme No.7: It’s an oil well/ not a wishing well!

Speaking of vagina owners. Girls, can you please stop mismanaging your vaginas! Why are girls giving it up to every Dick, Dick & Dick who flashes a glance in their direction? Is that their idea of women’s lib? To get as many penises as possible to peruse their vagina walls? God gives you great power when he bestows the vagina upon you, it’s precious. As Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility”. Stop that shit in 2012!

Rhyme No. 8: You’re our stars/ not aliens from Mars.

This is to our National soccer & rugby team! What in the name of Nameless’ receding hairline is going on guys? You’re supposed to be our pride & joy not our shame & despair. Style the hell up in 2012 & let’s see some wins! 2011 saw us lose the mothalovin Safaricom 7s! Damn.

Rhyme No. 9: YMCMB or MMG/ it’s initials not gospel to me.

Teenagers & rap fans with peculiar taste in music, can you stop acting as if everything that has the said initials is hot! I admit there are some hot records from these 2 camps. But most of the cats on these 2 labels just need to say the initials & have idiots jump up & down going ape shit like LPG prices just came down! What the fuck is a Gudda Gudda? Fail.

Rhyme No.10: More love/ less hate all glove!

Now that I got that off my chest, can we love one another? Like my current favorite female singer Nanjira says “There’s too much hate in the world”. Can we spread love? In 2012 let’s dead the beefing and start the loving. By the way, use a rubber! Don’t get caught out like me, some of these vagina owners are harvesting sperm to plant babies on this already overpopulated planet.

Let this be your guide, your map & dare I say it, your Bible as we roll out into 2012. Let’s Steve Jobs 2012! By that I don’t mean get cancer & die…though you probably will. What I mean by Let’s Steve Jobs 2012 is let’s win in 2012!

Pamoja!!!!

The Vagina Club : The B & Dub Version

Posted in Alkahol, Music, Women on December 20, 2011 by Saliva Vic

I love em brown yellow Puerto Rican or Haitian/ the name Phife Dawg from the Zulu Nation – Phife of A Tribe Called Quest.

This past weekend, my girl accorded me the lovely honor of being my date to 31st Edition of Blankets & Wine otherwise known to me as B & Dub. The main reason I was excited was because technically it would be our 1st date. The other reason was because an artist I consider a god amongst mortals, Eric Wainaina was set to perform a few songs off of Love + Protest, his spectacular new album.

This post however isn’t about music. It’s about women. Seeing as I wanted to enjoy the music & my lovely companion to the fullest I decided not to drink too much whiskey. I was in moderation mode which left most of my acquaintances in awe, as never before has the Jesus Juice played the backseat for one of my dates. This sobriety resulted in a lot of observation on my part especially with relation to the bearers of vagina i.e. women.

In our beautiful city of Nairobi there are as many vagina owners as there are Toyotas. However, after careful bird watching, if you will, I have characterized & grouped the female of the species into the following major clubs:

The Phat Girls Club aka The PGC

These vagina bearers will be in a pack of between 4 to 5 girls, each of whom makes the needle on the weighing scale tip to the extreme right when they get on it. There will always be 1 skinny girl in their midst. One theory for this may be that the skinny girl wants to make herself look good to the hovering vultures aka Team Mafisi. The other theory is that The PGC wants to throw outsiders off the scent that the real reason they all hang out together is to hate on skinny bitches (not my words). One thing about The PGC is that they are always strikingly beautiful face wise, are usually uber intelligent & actually come to the B & Dub for the music.

The Posers Club aka The PSC

These are the vagina bearers that I dislike. As the name suggests these girls are nothing but posers! These are the girls who you will see wearing the biggest hats & some African print/ leso attire with a dolled up face. Dolled up is an understatement, The PSC come through with faces covered in war paint & trust me, war paint it is because they come ready for battle. The PSC comes to B & Dub to fight for the penis of some uppity ass new/ old money yuppie dumb enough to believe the hype. A sharp penis bearer such as myself has probed deeper to realize, they know nothing about the music, the artists, the uppity lifestyle they’re trying to portray or even the drink in their hand! These are the ones who think Single Malt is a beer & Rosé is pronounced Rose. One thing though, they’re always very attractive.

The White Girls Club aka The WGC

These are as the name suggests the Caucasian vagina owners. They usually don’t dress up, come through with a picnic basket full of goodies accompanied by their white boys who proceed to take their tops off & bask in the African sun. They are really hilarious to watch dance & if you can show them a move or two, chances are high that you can hit that. Trust me, I speak from experience. All you need is to make sure you’re wearing beads of some sort & know at least 1 song in Swahili or any other native language. They are good fun but I’m lactose intolerant, just black coffee no sugar, no cream.

The Uptown Girls Club aka The UGC

When I say uptown I don’t mean Harlem or the dancehall station. I’m talking vagina owners who reside in the leafy burbs! The girls who live the uppity lifestyle from breathing uppity air, sipping uppity drinks, dining at uppity restaurants to stroking that uppity penis! Most of The UGC come from old money. A typical member of The UGC’s last name can be found in your Form IV history books (that’s for my 8-4-4 niggaz…if there are any who read this genius blog). They fall into 2 categories: UGC Drama & UGC Lost. UGC Drama will raise hell in an instant over the littlest shit coz they think know they own Kenya. UGC Lost have emotional issues & find poverty romantic. If you’re a broke nigga, Christmas comes early!

The Aspirational Girls Club aka The AGC

I love these vagina bearers. These are the vagina owners who work hard every day to make a better life for themselves and their children if they have any. They typically have middle class backgrounds but have made it to middle level or even top level management in Corporate Kenya. They are usually genuinely interested in the arts coz they figure this is what uppity ass people do with their free time right? Or someone, usually a boyfriend put them on. They want to be in the society pages they perused as teens, they want to be noticed & dare I say it, they want to be famous. They are often very aggressive & call it a girl’s day out when actually no man wants to be caught dead near them lest his penis gets chopped off for looking at another woman.

The Society Girls Club aka The SGC

These aren’t as the name suggests the elite. These are the furniture. They are at every party & event you will ever attend. No matter the day, No matter the time. Some may be event organizers but mostly they’re the girlfriends/ side pieces/ wives of entertainers, athletes & rich old men. If you don’t think Kenya can produce a “reality show” like Basketball Wives, I am ready to unleash “Rich Old Men Side Pieces”. They are the girls who will want to be in every picture & will randomly strike a pose at the sight of a camera flash!

The Groupie Girls Club aka The GGC

Last but definitely not least, right? The GGC aka The Groupie Girls Club as the name suggests are the groupies! They want to be around famous penises & vaginas. They may not even necessarily want to fuck but just to be kind of famous by association. You will always find them perched on a blanket where an artist, media personality or politician’s son is sipping. I know right? When did being a politician’s son qualify you to get groupies? I work hard on this blog for my groupies! I digress. The GGC are always good fun as they massage egos however when they get greedy with the Black Grouse the ensuing embarrassment is often catastrophic.

These are the observations I made at some of the lovely vagina bearers who came through for what can be described as one of the most epic editions of B & Dub since its inception. Eric Wainaina killed it & buried it so deep that Liquideep couldn’t find it to kill it again. Liquideep were rubbish performers but then again, they’re new to this & can only get better right?

Here’s the song that reminds me of how my 1st date ended. Liquideep with Alone. Shut the fuck up & listen to the lyrics before drawing conclusions!

Liquideep – Alone

Pamoja!!!

The Dreamer/ The Believer : Common Album Review

Posted in Alkahol, Hip Hop, Music, Music Reviews, Women on December 15, 2011 by Saliva Vic

How can I say this/ Fuck it I’m the greatest – Common

The Dreamer ft Maya Angelou

Com kicks off the album with some braggado rhymes. Quotable: Trying to fuck the world, she only let me finger. The beat is so soulful reminding me of Dilla. Of course No I.D. can channel Dilla when he pleases. Common even does that weird “thicki thicki thick thack I thack” thing he did on the Dilla produced Grammy nominated “The Light.” Maya does her spoken word thing about dreams & ancestors.

Ghetto Dreams ft Nas

This was the one that came out 1st. Common & Nas talk about their ghetto dream girl. Huh? These are 2 rich niggaz talking about ghetto chicks? Oh wait. It’s a ghetto nigga’s dreams. Well at least Nas married 2 ghetto girls Carmen & that mullato Kelis. This guy is the epitome of fail when it comes to picking women. The beat bangs something ridiculous. I approve this.  Quotable: Call me a pro in the pussy category. Really Nas? Really?

Blue Sky ft Makeba Riddick

The one with white people in the video. I love this sound. The rhyming is top notch stuff. The jam for everyone chasing a dream. This song keeps you going through the struggle till you get to your sky where you’ll find your light & shine. Quotable: Aston Martin King Luther with dreams/ a young Denzel the way I move through scenes.

Sweet

Common attacks an imaginary young ass disrespectful singing rapper. No names are called out but we all know these kids singing like they’re Sinatra. Drake, Wiz, Sean, Cole, the list is endless. Quotable: I rap for the commoners/ my name is synonymous with prominence/ I’m to rap what Obama is to politics. The vocal sample on the hook sounds like his ex-girl Erykah Badu but it’s actually Doris & Kelly. That would have been weird if it was Erykah.

Gold ft James Fauntleroy II

The beat has a serious bounce. My head is nodding even before dude rhymes. Shit. I think this is Common’s coming of fame record. Just like Hov realized he can no longer go back to the block after 100mil Common has to speak on being a big azz star, he’s no longer that conscious kid with a retrospect for life. I like. The lyrics are forgettable though & who is this James kid with a weird second name?

Lovin I lost ft James Fauntleroy II

I would have sworn that’s a popular sample on this. The way No I.D has chopped this I can’t tell. It’s real soulful. Com talks about lost love. Is he talking about Erykah like 3 Stacks used to. I had to listen to this again. It makes me think of this 1 girl I loved when I was young. Wsup Kui! Quotable: Now that we ain’t together/ Is this our new forever.

Raw (How You Like It)

I hope this is about unprotected sex. I think it is. He’s talking about meeting some girls in the club & loving the behind. I can’t make out what the chick singing is saying. Oh, if you like Common’s conscious side, you won’t like this. Shit is tight but then he starts to rap-sing like Mos Def, I mean Yasiin Bey. I’m confused. This can be a single.

Cloth ft James Fauntleroy II

Damn! I love No I.D.’s kick drums. James is back on this. Is he related to No I.D. or is he Com’s weed carrier. He’s flipping that phrase “cut from the same cloth”. It’s a desperate love song this one. I don’t care for it. Not saying that its bad, but dude tells the chick let’s have some cubs. Really Com? Really? Quotable: It’s 2 things/ that seems to hold us together/ God is our tailor & Forever.

Celebrate ft James Fauntleroy II

I love this. This is the perfect record for any party. A braai, a weed session, a sip down, a kiddie party, this is the anthem. James the weed carrier on the hook sounding like Joe (I bet the kids don’t know who Joe is. Fuck my life.) He says “this raw bitch comes in”. Could this be what he means in the other song? Raw?

Windows

Great strings on the intro but then James the weed carrier starts singing again. He’s flipping that phrase “the eyes are the window to the soul.” What is this? Literature class? SMH. No I.D. channels Kanye West for this. I like it. Common is an expert at rhyming from a chick’s perspective. Weird.

The Believer ft John Legend

No I.D. channels Kanye West again. This is conscious Common. The weed carrier didn’t sing this hook. John Legend instead bodies it. Quotable: Destiny’s children/ survivors soldiers/ In front of buildings they eyes look older/ hard to see blessings in a violent culture.

Pop’s Belief ft Lonnie “Pops” Lynn

The one thing that remains common about Common’s albums with the exception of “Can I borrow a dollar”, “Electric Circus” & “Universal Mind Control” which if you think about it, were quite un-Common, all pun intended. His father always does this spoken word thing at the end. Dope as always.

I love that Common got No I.D. for production on this. The beats are fresh yet the sound is still reminiscent of their other great collaboration, the classic “Resurrection”. This isn’t an album for fans who want Common’s old shit. If you want that, buy the old album. Common is a star, who’s achieved his dreams & wants you to do the same. Dream & Believe. Believe & Dream. I know I will.

Favorites: Sweet, Blue Sky, Lovin I lost,  Celebrate, Windows & The Believer.

Pamoja!!!

Love & Protest : Eric Wainaina Album Review

Posted in Music, Music Reviews, Women on December 13, 2011 by Saliva Vic


I’m talkin about revolution – Tracy Chapman.

Revolution Time.

This one is all piano. I like the girl doing the background. According to the credits on my autographed CD its Noni Mburu. I think I might be in love. This song however is a very dull start even though it sets the theme of the album.

Sing Mercy.

It features the London Adventist Chorale. I love it from the jump off! The guitar is absolutely fabulous! Tim Rimbui produced this & it’s incredible. This is that dance with your girl rocking her headwrap & leso dress at Blankets & Wine type music.

Marianna.

This may be my favorite record on the album. Eric sings a strugglers’ anthem for all the young hustlers who want to make a better life for the ones they love. I am crying as I type this. I remember I lost a girlfriend who left me coz I didn’t have any money.  Nanjira on background. My future wife.

Other People’s Lives.

The guitar reminds me of Asa’s Jailer. Eric wrote & produced this. He speaks about the fake lives that most yuppies live. Twitter tells you who’s cool. The tabloids tell you who’s famous & the media basically tells you how to live. Wake up people! Live your life. Eric does that weird singing like an instrument thing at the end.

The Road.

This one features Senegal’s Baaba Maal. They use African’s way of giving directions. Take the corner after Mama Joe’s, turn left after you cross the road, go past the old woman selling mangoes. Oh! I’m actually dancing at the plantation as I play this!

Orutu Special.

Whoa! When Eric starts singing I think he’s speaking to me coz he says I don’t mind reggae, ragga & soca! All the music I used to play on radio. This is feel good music to just bounce to while you smoke your ganja or sip your whiskey. Nanjira again. She’s the lead singer in Ma3 band.

Selina.

I knew a girl called Selina back in Uni. This makes me think of her. This is a record against violence against women. If you raise your hand to a woman you are a bigger coward than a Tupac fan at a Biggie concert! Or a AFC fan at Club Kuche Kuche. Haija! This song has a climax like a lingala song.

Baby Don’t Go.

This makes me think of the troops fighting in Somalia. I see these soldiers coming to the hospital wounded. My prayers go out to them. This song made me cry. The sad thing is that people join the army for a better life but some get a worse death.

Rain On You.

Is this nigga gonna sing acapella? Wait the piano just came on. I think this song is about a revolution. This is kind of boring. I like the message but it sucks. Neema sings background on this, maybe that’s the reason I don’t like it. I can’t stand that chick!

Isn’t It Funny.

Atemi plays the background. This sounds like Oliver Mtukudzi which is very cool! Is Eric singing about his debacle with Sheba & what’s her name? That singing chick from the reality show that he got pregnant…..Valerie Kimani. I’m just saying. I like this tune but it’s weird!

(Set The World) On Fire.

He does that thing where an artist gives a song 2 names i.e. (Set the world) On Fire. This song would sound great live. My future wife Nanjira sings background on this. Sema fantastic? There’s no justice in Nairobi. I agree. She should be my wife already.

Fancy Car.

This makes me so angry. This is the revolution! I think Eric should have had this as track 1. DJ Moz scratches on this. Does he want to be Kenya’s DJ Preemo? Epic Fail. Tim Rimbui should have done the cuts. Enovator knows his shit. Great record though.

Hii Ngoma (Twist).

He did the artist 2 name thing again. Wow! You can actually twist to this. It gets a bit monotonous toward the end though.

Tabasamu.

Bonus Track. Whoa! Eric does a cover of my favorite Mercy Myra record. What the fuck? It’s incredible, he gave the song beats. I only wish Mercy would have been around to record this as a duet.

I love this. With the exception of Rain on you, I wouldn’t skip any record on this album. Well done Eric. I only hope that he’ll be coming through for Blankets & Wine the coming weekend so that he can perform some of these records live. In case you were wondering, the artwork for the album was shot in Ngara, how gangsta is that?

By the way this picture is an alternative back cover with the songs arranged different vis-a-vis my autographed CD. I have to make that clear. Signed by the living legend himself.

You can follow Eric on the twitter @EricWainaina & peep his site by going to www.thatguyfromkenya.com

Pamoja!!!