Archive for November, 2011

Top Shelf vs Bottom Shelf

Posted in Alkahol, Misadventures, Music, Uncategorized, Women on November 3, 2011 by Saliva Vic

“I don’t discriminate I regulate every shade of that azz! – Big Punisher

I’ve got this buddy called Mani. Mani is your regular well to do yuppie, mad fun to hang with but he is also the ultimate definition of going Hollywood. What do I mean? I mean that he done came up! He’s been successful & so he’s upgraded his lifestyle. One of the things that I found amusing about Mani is that the jaluo in him won’t let what we term as “Bottom shelf whisky” touch his gullet.

There is nothing wrong with upgrading because as Hov said “Niggaz don’t be mad coz it’s all about progression” and he should know. Dude went from banging Foxy to Superhead & now ultimately Beyonce. Hov upgraded from Bottom Shelf Vagina i.e. Foxy Brown to Top Shelf Vagina i.e. Beyonce. Let’s talk a bit about that now, what is Bottom & Top Shelf Vagina.

For vagina to be considered Bottom Shelf the bearer of said vagina will possess these key characteristics:

  • Her reading material of choice is The Pulse.
  • Her music of choice is dancehall. Now don’t get it twisted I love dancehall but if you come through the crib & press play on my V6 riddim CD, I’m looking at you sideways.
  • Her favorite haunts are Maggies, Winkers, Bettyz, Tacoz & Heartz. Yo! Don’t get it twisted I drink at Kwa Mark in Kijiji but if your idea of a good time is the two of us at any of these fine establishments your vagina is bottom shelf.
  • She’s great for a booty call when the horniness demon strikes but she’s never been invited to a drink up with your friends leave alone a family function.
  • She’s a poser. Let me give you an example, she’ll say she likes rock music but doesn’t know who Coldplay is, she’ll claim to live in Karen then you’ll spot her at Muthurwa catching a jav to Eastlands after the rave.
  • She dresses like a video vixen. Bottom shelf vagina owners copy trends from music video. This is an epic fail because video vixens are meant to look like prostitutes.

That is all for the Bottom Shelf Vagina. Feel free to add your own take in the comments section below. Let’s move to Top Shelf Vagina. This is that rare, valuable, hard to get your hands on type of vagina. The bearer of said vagina possesses the following key characteristics.

  • Her reading material of choice is Leo Tolstoy, Lesley Downer, George Elliot, Vladimir Nabokov etc. You get the gist, she reads novels. I once encountered some top shelf vagina whose bearer was reading Labyrinths by Jorge Luis Borges!
  • Her music of choice is nu-soul, jazz, and hip hop soul, you know, the likes of Foreign Exchange, Little Brother, Common. Basically, this girl loves Soulful music.
  • Her favorite haunts are Art Caffe, Pots & Palms, Mercury, Sierra, Brew Bistro, Don’t get it twisted she can downgrade for a loose drink at the Motowns & Motor Sports but her choice would rather be the ambience of any of the Sierras. Shout out to Ozzbeco.
  • Her abode no matter how humble will be immaculate décor wise. Top shelf vagina owners have style and it shows not only in their choice of wardrobe but living quarters as well.
  • She’s fashionable. Top shelf vagina owners have style & if she apes anything it will be the trends from the runway during the latest fashion week or what the stars rock on the red carpet.

And with that I conclude today’s lesson on what is Bottom Shelf & Top Shelf Vagina. Which one are you? Better yet which one is your girl?

Update: As Praka pointed out in the comments how could I fail to mention what drinks that the lovely vagina bearers consume! Here we go.

Bottom Shelf vagina owners tend to consume Smirnoff Ice, Redds & Tusker Malt. I think someone somewhere lied to them that this is what girls drink and they followed. Remember she is a follower, never a leader.

Top Shelf vagina owners on the other hand may have the occasional Smirnoff Ice but her poison of choice is normally a cocktail preferably a Daiquiri, a Pink Lady, a Shirley Temple or just straight up G&T!