Diagnosis : The Human Condition

You should have been a cop/ fuck hip hop/ with that freestyle you bound to get shot! – Notorious B.I.G

Today I’d like to play a little House. No, I don’t mean that retarded pretense game you played as a shortie that’s the main reason you don’t get laid, I’m talking about Dr. House.

I want to diagnose certain diseases we as Kenyans suffer from as witnessed during the Hague proceedings yesterday. Since I don’t have a medical degree I just decided to make up names for these diseases though I’m pretty sure they’re real diseases.


The patient will be late like a chick with a bun in the oven! The patient can’t keep time to save his life & after being late will not apologise. The judge at the Hague was 3 minutes late & apologised dearly! Albeit she was late coz Kenyan MPs had clogged the entrance trying to get in.


The patient acts like a girl by filling in the blanks yaani KUJIJAZIA, answering questions they haven’t been asked & basically jumping the gun like girls do! Ruto was asked his date & place of birth and his occupation. This nigga gave the judges directions to his village including distance! He was asked whether he had been informed of the charges & he let the world know that he watched Hotel Rwanda! Huh? Just answer Yes nigga!


The patient acts like a man! Bullish, stubborn & can’t take instructions. Have you ever asked a man to follow a map? He will ignore it coz he knows a shortcut & eventually get lost! This disease is also called Man Syndrome! Yet again Ruto was instructed on how the procedure will go down but he tried to start defending himself! Sit your ass down William!

Happening syndrome.

The patient will want to be present at any event that will be the talk of his/ her circle. Denis Adari didn’t have to get into Psy’s at 2 in the am the morning he was murdered but he wanted to “be there” where it’s  “happening”! Those fools jamming the entrance to the ICC looked like a crowd trying to get into Uptown Thursday! It’s never that serious!


This is a common illness also called Illusionia! The patient doesn’t halluscinate, the crowds he/ she sees are real but the problem is that he will believe the illusion the crowd creates. The rallies held for the Ocampo 6 showed massive support for these suckaz! However when they stepped in the ICC it was clear that it was each of them as individuals facing the charges not the crowd. Ruto looked shook like a pretty boy walking into Kamiti with skinny jeans on, cornrows & baby oil!

The Jesus Walk

The patient will be persecuted by the same people he/ she rolls with. Let me explain, these alleged perpetrators of PEV kept talking shit at rallies getting more people to back them using hate only for the judge to tell them that if that is the route they wish to choose then the ICC will detain them. Jesus walked with the disciples one of whom betrayed him, the bigger his flock got the more dangerous they perceived him & the jews he repped were the ones who crucified him.

2Pac Personality Disorder

This is otherwise known as 2PD where like 2Pac the victim will exhibit paranoia & believe it’s him against the world with everyone out to get him. From Ruto’s odd display at the Hague need I say more? All politicians in Kenya suffer this at one point or the other.

Wamala Syndrome

If you’re familiar with John Ruganda’s awesome play then you’re familiar with Wamala. He was disillusioned everytime he was sober. Reality bitch slapped him in the face like a chick who just realised guys don’t really like her personality but her huge boobs! The rallies got the Ocampo 6 high as fuck! But at the Hague there was no crowd & they realised like Michael Jackson, This Is It!


The patient will forget the past. Some Kenyans are against the ICC but have they forgotten that Ocampo asked for a local tribunal to be set up for close to 2 years but nothing happened?  GTFOH! All in all we all suffer from these diseases, it’s part of the human condition known as LIFE, a sexually transmitted disease with no known cure!

Enough! Here’s something to rock out to! I love this one! It’s Death Cab For Cutie, it’s called You’re a tourist.



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