Archive for October, 2010

Kuwa Serious : Foreword

Posted in Hip Hop, Music, Women on October 22, 2010 by Saliva Vic

“It’s fuck a bitch/ more fish in the acquarium/ I rarely hear no like when niggaz ask you to marry em/” – Loso aka Funeral Fab bka Fabolous

I love rap music, no, scratch that I love Hip Hop. Rap music is only a part of hip hop but one of the reasons I love rap music is the lyricism. No other genre of music has lyrics as cocky and ridiculous as rap. Rap music always has me pushing the pause & rewind buttons as I SMDH i.e. Shake My Damn Head & ask myself, really? Kuwa serious. (I even developed a segment on one of my radio shows for this).

In the same way I’d like to start doing it on the blog. Just a bunch of random observations that make me think to myself, Kuwa Serious (Get Serious).

First, why are people still e-thugging. It’s 2010 & e-thugging is at an all time high like this was 2007! If you don’t know what I mean, an e-thug is someone who is all hardcore behind the keyboard as he sits in a cyber somewhere on Kimathi street or worse a cubicle at one of those multinationals where employees have no idividual identity aka Drone Central. Internet gangstaz will threaten you on blogs, the twitter & even the facebook.

The funny thing about  e-thugs/ internets gangstas is that when you meet them in public they are likely to soil themselves once you announce your internets moniker. Believe me I’ve witnessed this! Two words Kuwa Serious!!!!

Another thing that has me SMDH & asking myself, really?, is my man Bob. Bob was my hero growing up. I was a history buff & I loved the African Nationalists & Bob happened to be one. Bob is better known to the world as Robert Mugabe but with recent years he has made some questionable moves. Yesterday he decided to call Munya the true winner of  Big Brother & the most handsome. Munya is my man, don’t get it twisted, but most handsome Bob?? Kuwa Serious!

As it turns out Munya is quite the popular guy in Zim so Bob & ZANU PF just using this guy for political mileage.

Moving on to my man Will Smith, I know you want to live forever but naming your child Willow Smith, makes her sound like some Asian guy is trying to say Will Smith but can’t pronounce it. I saw his little girl cry on 106 all cute & shit, then I listen to whip my hair the remix and there is Nicki Minaj talking about grabbing her crotch! Nicki Kuwa Serious!!!!!

That reminds me, Waka Flocka Flame has been named the Number 8 hottest MC in the game. I have no qualms with this, my problem is the loose use of the word MC. What the fuck is Waka? He said it himself that he doesn’t rap but he does do something and he’s incredible at it! So MTV Brain or whatever they’re calling themselves this year kuweni serious!

But this is the biggest one & this nigga had me and my boy dying in the studio last night coz of his buffoonery fuckery! This is a parody of the president of the United States & as much as it brings joy to my life, I wish there was a limit to how much you can clown the president of the free world but till then let’s enjoy!


Poverty loosens morals!

Posted in Alkahol, Misadventures on October 12, 2010 by Saliva Vic

“And there was days I had to go to Tek’s house with a note/ sayin Gloria can I borrow some food I’m dead broke” – Ghostface Killah

I found myself on very familiar territory this weekend. It’s a little paradise known to myself as Poverty Island. Those of you reading this and you’ve always got money in your bank account regardless of the date, will have no clue. However I am sure most of you can relate.

Some Kenyans visit Poverty Island on the 3rd week of the month just before pay day while majority of Kenyans reside on Poverty Island all their lives! This is due to the high cost of living and being taught dick about money management growing up! The worst thing about this phenomenon is that if your parents lived on Poverty Island you will most likely inherit this piece of crap island from them as well!

Another issue that affects the residents of Poverty Island is loose morals! Have you ever noticed that the poorest people will live the most dishonest & vice filled lives on the planet? This is my personal opinion so don’t be all up on my nuts as I break down why this is the case.

1. Drugs & Alcohol : If you live on Poverty Island you will want to get intoxicated at the lowest cost possible. This usually leads to consuming cheap alkahol with a higher addiction level or resorting to chemical warfare. Chemical warfare will involve mixing all manner of drinks & substances in a bid to get more for less.

2. Poor Man’s Greed Syndrome : The residents of Poverty Island all suffer from this. When a poor man/ woman is bought food & drink by a rich partner we tend to go overboard because we can’t be too sure when’s the next time we’ll enjoy this windfall! The poor man will drink way too much or eat to the point of sickness. This only results in hospital bills!

3. Sticky Fingaz : Being stranded on Poverty Island will turn the best man into a corrupt thieving summamabish! Look at cops and that’s all the proof you need. Due to perennial poverty our brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers in the force will extort bribes from anyone & everyone. The guys in parliament are no different, stealing that CDF paper out of their fear of Poverty Island.

These are the few that I could come up with off the top of my head but I am sure as you sit there and think about it, you can come up with more reasons why poverty leads to loose morals!

Here’s a joint that got me through some lean economic times coming up! Be inspired and not unwired brothers & sisters!


Alkahol Makes You Forget Things!

Posted in Uncategorized on October 7, 2010 by Saliva Vic

“Saturday morning just wakin up/ with a hangover/ smelling like I fucked/ I really can’t remember coz I’m still kinda faded” – Domino

As a young dude coming up on the lovely neighbourhoods of Lang’ata, I was exposed to a lot of vices. Nowadays, I don’t consider them vices but rather life experiences. Among them were the herb which I would rather refer to as the dehydrator because I would always get the nastiest cotton mouth, the drank which I would rather refer to as Sheesus Juice because I always thought it was the second coming of our Lord & saviour and of course the cootchie which I referred to as the loving!

One thing you must understand is that in the 90s Lang’ata teenage girls would give up the loving as if it had an expiry date on it that read the week before. The number of girls that were throwing that “thang thang” around was like when Uchumi were literally forcing alkaholiks to take home that shitty Bacardi breezer 6 pack at christmas time! This led to the most bizarre of encounters so I thought I’d share.

As a teen, the whole puberty process was darn right confusing and brand new leave alone sex! The problem was that sex was there so we had to have it! Anyway, this one time at a party my boy threw at Akiba Estate for his 16th birthday, I got lucky and went into the bathroom with this one tipsy girl, she was so hot! I was a bit drunk (10 satchets of Meakins Rum) but I pulled the full Yellow Pages and let my fingers do the walking. To those who are a bit slow, I explored her nether regions with the digits of my hand. Is that better?

As I got to the loving, I felt a stringy item and the Sheesus Juice started wearing off! In her tipsiness she just asked why I was stopping and I screamed back that she had a worm down there! The hot tipsy girl got this red look on her face (yes, she was a yellow yellow) and dashed out. I took a minute to regroup then left to ingest some more Sheesus Juice. Later as I narrated the ordeal, my boys laughed & explained that I had come in contact with a tampon! After dousing our livers with some more of the Sheesus Juice the encounter was all forgotten.

What reminded me of this ordeal is a video I ran into posted by Twin City TV where this kid Jaguar gets the shock of his life because the drunk girl he is daggering forgot it was that time of the month! It’s hilarious! To the girls who will read this, if it’s that time of the month, don’t get so high and lost in the pleasures of the flesh that you forget to give a brother a warning! If a brother knows what to expect,  he’ll be prepared, otherwise he just ends up with that dumb look Jaguar has on his face in the video below aptly titled Tampon Fail! *dead*


The Kingdom of Rust

Posted in Uncategorized on October 7, 2010 by Saliva Vic

“I ain’t got no maybe baby/ but I’ve been living the good life lately” – Donnis

Hey yall! It’s been a minute and then some! Many of you who used to read this blog follow me on the twitter so I won’t have much catching up to do. For those who don’t or for those who are new to the blog here’s the short version. I have been away on one of the most exciting expeditions of my life! I was monogamous for 3 years & enjoyed the love of a good woman. My professional life took a complete 180! My drinking habits changed & my love affair with tobacco begun all over again.

That said I want to begin posting on this blog once again! Bella is back with a shitload to speak about from music, women, alkahol, the social scene and of course the realest niggaz quotes that always accompany every post. Shit! I’m feeling so good about writing again I may even go out and rock a pair of skinnys! Yeah right!

Well until we meet next time which I promise will be soon, here’s a parting gift courtesy of Di Teacha! Watch what my weekend will be like…minus the corvette…minus the lovely view…minus the Street Vybz Rum! *Cough* Ahem…the girl will be there though!