Drunk By Myself : Valentine’s Day Edition

“I’m staring at the woman in the corner/ it’s fucked up when your minds playing tricks on ya/” – Scarface

I was listening to that old Nas collection of unreleased records from back in the day, Lost Tapes this morning as I got ready for work. On that album, there was a track called Drunk by Myself that reminded me of the past Valentine’s weekend. Before I get into the story you may want to listen to that Nas right here.

This past weekend, on Saturday, I got a call from one of my partners who wanted to talk to me about writing a few music related articles for a site he was working on. Being both hungry and thirsty due to my precarious financial position, I decided to meet with him that afternoon. The same afternoon I was expecting a call from my girl but instead I received a text saying that she was heading straight home and wouldn’t see me that day.

I thought nothing of it and got to the meeting with my partner. After a brief discussion, and an agreement later, my partner gave me a bottle of Brandy as a parting gift. I got back to the crib to start working on some ideas and decided that I might as well go in on the bottle of Brandy. I don’t know how many of you reading this have ever decided to get drunk all by your lonely. If you have, you may be able to relate to what happened to me next.

I stopped writing and switched to MTV Base’s Big Base Beats. The first video I saw was Craig David’s, One More Lie. Picture this, there I am, taking shots to the head from my free bottle of brandy and thoughts start creeping into my head about my girlfriend and I decided to send her a “Safaricom flashback” so that she could call me back. All this time I start to question all these little incidents that are playing back and forth in my mind like, where is she? Why did her class end so early? What if one of those mothafuckaz in her Masters Class scooped her up in a SLK? What if she’s chilling with someone else? Do I satisfy her sexually? Mad thoughts!

For some strange reason, the more shots I tossed back, the more paranoid I got. The next video MTV put on was “Do you think about me?” by 50 Cent. At that exact time, I received a text from an ex girlfriend who said she was just checking up on me. By now, I am sure the universe is fucking with me. This shit couldn’t be a coincidence. The video ends and I decide to send a couple of more flashbacks to my girl with no reply.

I go in even harder on the shots as the bottle starts to wind down and by now I am absolutely, completely knackered/ sorted/ zonked/ wasted and my mind is all over the place. In my mind I am re-evaluating everything from my relationship with my girl to my boys and questioning myself on who I could really trust. I send my girl another flashback, which also happens to be the 5th one, which is the limit and no reply still. Right there and then while I’m contemplating where the units for my phone were going to come from, MTV start playing that new record from 1ndile featuring Khuli Nana and its as if they have read my mind.

This record was summarizing my wishes at the moment and just then my girl called me and after a brief chat, my paranoia reduced but the high was still in the sky. I decided to light up a cigarette and put on some DJ Jazzy Jeff to ease my mind. Right there in my drunken state I had an epiphany. I realized that whenever you are paranoid about your girl/ boyfriend being with someone else, it is actually the insecurity within yourself that are manifesting itself in that manner.

You may actually think that you aren’t good enough for the girl/ boy or you may have doubts at the back of your mind about the strength of the relationship. The only way that you can be happy in that relationship is to deal with whatever it is that makes you feel undeserving of that person. Whatever it is that raised those doubts must be dealt with. Attacking that person due to your personal insecurities is misplaced and actually abusive to the person being attacked.

Today take time to deal with your personal issues instead of taking them out on your partner. I leave you with something to jam to. This is a classic love song for any person who fell in love with hip hop in the 80s.



8 Responses to “Drunk By Myself : Valentine’s Day Edition”

  1. LMAO!! Told you to stop drinking whatever it is that u are drinking coz it makes you start hallucinating.. and you started smoking again?? Good to know

  2. Well written & possibly true if not for the following exceptions
    1) there is alot more to this story than you’ve documented..that could possibly change the conclusion
    2) I noted you said your paranoia ‘reduced’.. doesn;t sound like there’s finality there.

    I agree with your analysis to a point, yes there may be some underlying issues for the person who’s paranoid…but there are also mitigating factors such as if ur partner has previously been unfaithful.. That would cause mistrust & would lead to the paranoia.. PLus, sometimes the paranoia may not be paranoia..it may just be ur instincts telling you sth is up..did you ever consider that? And as much as you should take time to deal with ur issues, u should also trust ur own instincts..

    There’s my 2 cents.. pamoja!

  3. Getting drunk by yourself is not a good look.

  4. @ Liz, now you got the brother in over-drive paranoia

  5. brok3ncyde Says:

    i get drunk by mself a couple of times…and as soon as the alkahol starts kicking in i get into drunk-dialing/texting mode…i call everyone i know and promise them atleast 3 rounds….funilly enough, none shows up…then i proudly say to myself “ile wangekunywa wacha ninywe”….
    …i get paranoid as well when im drunk by mself….probly a longterm effect of the weed i smoked during my campus years…. such is life
    aka blackstar

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