Archive for December, 2008

Pour Out A Little Liquor

Posted in Hip Hop on December 31, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“I pour some liquor for my shortie who ain’t here/ I’m from the ghetto so listen this is how I shed my tears” – Mr.Cheeks

Speaking of people that’s in my prayers, I was on the internets just now and stumbled on this great record Jadakiss & Faith Evans have done for the Notorious soundtrack and just had to post. This is a letter to B.I.G. but we can all relate to it.

We lost some people this year, friends lost kin and I just want those who did that read the blog to hold tight. Things get better with time and acceptance. On that note, some good hip hop to end the year.

Letter to B.I.G.

Pamoja!!!

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Mazel Tov! It’s a celebration bitches!

Posted in Alkahol, Misadventures on December 31, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“Open your eyes before you die” – some chick on a Immortal Technique record

I woke up feeling more positive than I have ever felt throughout the whole year. This is beside the fact that I woke up with cold sores the size of baseballs on my lips. This is very uncool because I am already a big lipped dude so I look like those blackface carricatures from back in the days. I wasn’t stressing it because nothing will ever beat how sucky the end of last year was for most Kenyans.

I am positive that the new year will be a lot better than the past year that saw a lot of businesses collapse, a lot of people lose their lives and a lot of people lose their livelihoods. As you go out to get high and celebrate the new year please bear in mind that there are people out there that are not as fortunate as you and I are. I have especially in my prayers the Palestinians in Gaza who are getting blown the fuck up on a daily basis.

I pray for those starving all over the continent and my buddies that have to figure out how to take care of their kids now that they have been rendered redundant. I pray that with the new year I can be part of a miracle that will bring change into an individual’s life. Don’t even trip and think that I am becoming the fake ass preachy magnificent Barrack Obama aka Super Nigga.

Otherwise here’s to the new year. Have a good one. Don’t drink in moderation and don’t drive. If you must drive, my nigga don’t touch a drop of Bella’s Nectar. I need to hear from yall next year.

Pamoja!!!!

You Ain’t Gettin Chips’d In 2009

Posted in Alkahol, Misadventures on December 29, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“She said jigga man you rich take that doo rag off/ hit a u-turn ma i’m droppin you back off/ in front of the club like Jigga why you do that for/ Thug nigga till the end/ tell a friend bitch/ won’t change for no paper plus I’ve been rich.” -Jay Z

This weekend I found myself hanging with some new friends who were very intersting charachters. All we did for a couple of days was getting extremely sipped and chopping dimes. At least most of us. I was chopping the dimes this weekend just got my drink on and now I may be sick but its nothing a little OJ can’t cure.

Anyway we were discussing mad issues when the topic of Chipsing came up. Now to Chips someone is to pick up a girl from the club for a lay that night and it got touchy on what some of these girls, Chips Funga, are quite dodgy. This led to my new pal JK aka Jina Kubwa showing me the following note he posted on fuckbook facebook to quite some controversy.  

Disclaimer:ths note doesnt represent my views
1.If u you cant speak english. Me always asking you somethn in english n u reply in Swa wont be allowed.When ur palz u rhumbad wit call u askn where u r u reply in some hard sheng like”me niko aire morgan nilikwachuliwa na buyoz flani ubabini”

2.If u can speak English but u exposing how far from Nairobi uve lived o studied..i mean calling thursday dhazday is a no-no..calling wednesday wenesday instead o wensday is allowed even me i do that but dhazday. Then this people have a tendency to say my “siz” instead o my “sis”.Shows ur RUM RURAL URBAN MIGRATION bt cn also show if the babe z rich,u grwn up in a farmhse in outskirts limuru,kiambu,redhill,tigoni!

3.If you lookin langaish..u may not be a langa but u lookin langaish azin brown braids, mingi makeup,mingi cosmetics in ya purse,n a tattoo(langaz aford ths nwadays),..ethopians,somaliz ts a no-no coz 85% o dem in hurlingham who club r langaz n you wl only find em in redtape n black d coz Izoh in qz cn detect em too

4.If u know the whole universe..even if u r moto it irritates me..sana sana ths happens 2 nairobi dendais who r the slash type’/’ azin model wit clasic models/doing activation for novida,smirnoff/usher at bba eviction party n idols/failed at an advert audition/faild in wingu la moto n tahidi high auditions/tryd out ktns yu presenter reality auditions/doing a track wt jomino/student at daystar azn i hate those babes on the rhumba knws dem guys n babes..then rich guys who r bila game to kula dendais their own clas,have kulad ths type

5.if u never check if am strapped..after ave chomoad kiboko n uv jus spread uko nt cncerned if ave downloaded kaspersky antivirus or not it worries me coz u prolly been kulwad bassanga aka raw by other people n me i ogopa ukedi n al sorts o coughn diseases

6.if u extrmly fat..azn i like chubby bt xtrmly fat aka obese am sorry..am 2skinny n my role aint to raise self esteems.

7.if u feeling too smart i wont ng’ang’ana or fuatilia..ati pickd u up,went for drnks we sipped,hit the club then hapo u feeln clasy so i nunuad tequilas at 1st u nt too sure wt to do wt da salt or vn maybe u were on point n acted da part den i uliza u so leo wasup n u like i dnt do randoms…ok am easy n i lenga u stl wana hang out wt me hmetime stl wana go hme wt me…ati evn if ul gve it up al have to jitetea 4an hr n prv i penda u..u knw what in 2009 its never that serious..coz as sun as i pickd u up4drnks n we nt close frnds do u thnk was caln u coz i needed help cmpletn a sudoku puzzle.

8.u from south c!say what u wanna say but ave been robbed twice in the cox by dendais from south c..one my 3ngwaa the ada my ipod nano il even add TRUESTORY

9.u remove stupid comments like am codered…stupid the same way eustus cals courage stupid in the cartoon courage the cowardly dog..when u say u codered i tell u am blackstar n we dnt like codered so bounce..matatu to tao walk up the road youl c em cz evn my ngata ishad wn we arivd digz

10.cant chibo an alcoholic..in the morning tryna make me feel guilty n shit wt stuff like what happened to me..stupid when in reality u evn chuckd ya clad solo wt no help..pole if u cnt handle ya drink in 2009 not me No!

Sorry for the text message english that the main dude JK used but I’m too lazy to edit that shit for yall so decipher the message or blow me. Only then might I decide to do something about it. Otherwise good luck chipsing, as you can see from the lyrics above, not chipsing when you believe in it is alright.  

Pamoja!!!

The Recession: Great Depression Part 2?

Posted in Alkahol, Misadventures on December 17, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“Niggaz talkin bout the recession/ shit is depressin” – Jay Z

I am not one to talk much about the economy because a) I never really give a shit and b) I am a total idiot when it comes to this, sure I may have got a passing grade on Micro & Macro Economics in school but everyone knows all that knowledge has been eroded by the vast amounts of alkahol that I consume 4 years after the fact.

I am however forced to weigh in my two cents because the recession has finally caught up with me. THE PRICES FOR SPIRITS HAS RISEN TREMENDOUSLY! I went to my local pub on Sober Sunday only to be shocked that the price of Napoleon had gone up by a whole 50 bob! It didn’t bother me much coz I just figured to order a beer and then import the precious liquid from the supermarket only to find out that the price had risen by 2 bob there as well.

Later on, as I made my way home I stopped by an off licence to get a take away bottle of liquor to put me to sleep and the shawty who’s a friend of mine warned me that she was about to hike her price by 50 shillings the next day. I therefore started thinking that it might be a neighbourhood thing, how I wish.

Last night I arranged to meet with Lola so that she may have her first taste of Napoleon. Lola is one of those uppity ass yet down to earth type chicks that I meet and wonder how they have managed to exist drinking all that expensive shit. You all know I stay broke as a mofo so I can’t be at Crooked Q on a loose Wednesday or Thursday participating in some random drinkfest like Lola.

I therefore told Lola that we should meet at this great off licence just down the road from where she works. This place is great, it looks like a garage and all the hawkers from the vicinity come to drown there disappointment while hurling insults at the TV during the news. Now I got there before Lola as I always do, and as I ordered the Napoleon and handed the Dubya my 100 shillings, he declined and asked for 50 more!

That’s when we started arguing with the rest of the hawkers on how the bar guys are eating too much! One guy actually said he bought a Furaha drink for 65 bob at 10am and when he came back for an afternoon pick me up of Furaha it was 80 bob! Dubya, the bar guy, just told us that the suppliers had hiked their prices and so did he for his mark up.

I just accepted the blow that the economy had dealt on my leisure and proceeded to drown my faliure with the Napps as I awaited Lola’s arrival. As soon as Lola came through we drank 2 Napoleons together which was all the budget could take (Sidebar: I am yet to factor in whether her drinking a soda messed the budget of three).

The upside to Lola’s presence was that this Fat Cat that was sipping at the off  licence was caught by her beauty and added another Napoleon and mixers and so Lola and I managed to get tipsy as planned. Bonus!

Fuck a recession! Fuck a George Bush!

Pamoja!!!

Follow the bottle…

Posted in Uncategorized on December 11, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“Follow a dollar to the corporate offices/ Follow a dollar and you’ll find corpses” – Noreaga

I got to the work at the ass crack of dawn as I always do every morning so that I can have at least an hour on the internets before I have to start working on the plantation for the man! I went to my favorite site and found the song whose line I have quoted above. There is no better way to start a day than some soulful hip hop music.

The concept of the song is to follow a dollar that you have in your hand aand trying to trace back where it came from which got me thinking, (rare occurence, I know!), what if I followed an empty bottle? It just so happened that I saw a bottle of Kane Extra on the streets with some glue in it. Let’s have a look.

The plastic bottle starts its journey in the Dandora dumpsite where a bum picks it up and trades it to some unscrupulous cat that makes fake booze. This dude then runs it under a tap to get it clean, prints a Kane Extra label together with fake KEBS sign and slaps it on the bottle. As the glue dries, he brews some concoction that is a mixture of ethanol, some dead cats for taste and a splice (is that a word?) of Tropical Mint to conceal the dead cat stench.

This is then poured into the bottle and using some thingymajig creates the seal on  the cap and carefully taoes the KRA sign that he has been taking off legit bottles courtesy of his job at the liquor store. As soon as this is done he sells it to Mack, my friendly slum bartender, who in turn sells it to me on those days that I need to drown my sorrows and disappointment!

I down the sucker in 10 minutes and go into a trance which involves multiple nightmares and night sweats. The next morning I toss out the annoying and now empty bottle only for it to be picked up by that cobbler that fixes my messed up shoes so that he can fill it with gum to sell to a street kid.

The street kid gets it, sniffs it and in his highness decides it will be a good idea to harass this harlot looking lady outside Taco’s only to discover that she has ties with the bouncer (probably his little sister) and so he gets an ass whipping delivered at no cost immediately. The bottle falls out of his hand as he runs off battered and bruised.

I see the bottle in the morning as I pass outside Taco’s oblivious to the fact that my lips were on it about a couple nights ago until I sit down to type this. Now if I put this in rhyme form wouldn’t that be a killer record?

Click here to listen to the inpiration.

Pamoja!!!!

Despite the Puke, She was a good look!

Posted in Uncategorized on December 10, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“You’re all that I need I’ll be there for you/ If you keep it real with me I keep it real with you” – Method Man

 

Today I got in to work early and sat in front of the computer to clear up those emails that come in the dead of the night and make you feel like you’re not working at all when you left the gotdamn office at 7pm. As I was replying, forwarding and deleting I came across an email from one of my ex-girlfriends and she was asking for her stuff back. Now, I haven’t been in touch with this girl for a good 3 or 4 months but a lot of her stuff stays lying around the crib such that I even started considering them mine!

 

That’s however not what I wanted to write about because there’s nothing remotely funny about being reminded that a part of your life is over considering how much I liked this girl. However, what is funny is what lengths I am willing to go to if I like a girl. I mean really like a girl. One incident particularly comes to mind. There was this one time my homegirl invited me to a house party and it was the best kind, BYOB! BYOB parties always result in foolishness due to the obscene amount and variety of alkahol that is brought in by various individuals.

 

I decided to come through with my girl then, let’s call her Cherry. As soon as I checked into the spot mofos were eyeing her and getting all green with envy that your boy had a dime piece on his arm. I proceeded to mix drinks which was my specialty and people started to get shit faced. Cherry at first was being real cautious as to what she allowed to go down her gullet but as the hours elapsed and she got in the mood she started guzzling everything that was handed to her.

 

I didn’t bother to slow her down because I was willing to take care of her no matter what happened. Little did I know what I was getting myself into, Cherry got so drunk she started lap dancing on various of  my pals who were loving it especially coz they’re a bunch of horny buggers the DJ was playing trance and the room was lit up in neon it gave the best atmosphere. After the stripper session she went on to kiss a few of the girls at the party then out of the blues she just sat down and blacked out.

 

I got my man to bring the car around as it was my luggage and I liked her so I was going to take care of her even if it meant leaving the party early. I carried Cherry to the box and laid her out on the bed when it happened. She threw up all over the sheets man! There was her dinner, lunch, breakfast and even some dinner from the night before! It was a lot of vomit I tell you. I didn’t panic; I just cleaned her up and cleaned the vomit too. I let her sleep on the not so wet side of the mattress as I lay there on the semi wet side sipping a newly cracked open bottle of Napps.

 

The next morning we woke up and I didn’t remind her of the puke. I did crack open another bottle of liquor for her to get over her hangover and just messed her up even more. She got so wasted that by the time it was lunchtime she was more the walking dead. Then to make matters worse my mom had invited me for lunch so she passed out again at my mom’s crib where she also puked and I cleaned it up. I still really liked her though.

Therefore ladies (the few of you that read this blog), if a man cleans your vomit not once, but twice within 24 hours, that’s a man who loves you!

 

Pamoja!!!!

 

 

  

Hi Hater!

Posted in Alkahol, Misadventures on December 9, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“I was dying to meet you hater/ please don’t hide I need you hater” – Maino

 

I was getting sipped the other night with one of my lovely ladies just trying to get through the Sunday as I do any given Sunday when I went overboard. Now most of you are probably asking yourself what’s new about this as every sober Sunday dictates that I get high as shit and commit random acts of buffoonery. This was different in the sense that it was the first time I realized just how much we hardcore drinkers are hated on by majority of society.

 

I realized this after I went to the store to get credit and some other shit but halfway down the road I forgot what I was going to buy and my mind having been contaminated with shitloads of alkahol decided to do a rewind and took me back a month ago when I needed a light bulb and so I bought a light bulb. I went back to the box where this fine shawty and I were chilling and she tells me that I was supposed to buy credit at which point I head back to the store and with my slurred speech tell the store clerk that I needed eggs and give him back the bulb.

 

When I got back to the box I was sent back by Miss Thang who insisted I get my money back for the bulb. I went to the store the third time asking for my money and that’s when the store clerk started bitching about drunks and all the dumb shit we do and then asked me to leave without giving me the cheddar! As I got back to the box now Miss Thang was pissed, talking about I drink too much, I had eggs and no credit and to add salt to the injury I had no money left to go to work! All this because society wants to hate on the drunk and not assist his drunken ass! Let’s see why this is.

 

  1. We have too much fun. A drunk dude will always have a good time even if the music sucks, the company is boring or even if there was a war going on outside. Alkahol just makes it look like nothing really matters as long as you get wasted.
  2. We have big balls. It is on a very rare occasion that you will come across a drunk dude that is afraid to take on a dare. Make the mistake of placing a wager that is tied to a dare when I’m drunk and say goodbye to your money.
  3. We forget stuff. This one applies to girls mostly. They will hate if I have a huge disagreement when I’m drunk and then I’m all smiley in the morning having forgotten all the bullshit. They should actually be happy I don’t remember.
  4. They want to be us. A lot of people will hate on the drunk dude just because they wish they could trash their livers like tomorrow will never come but they’re just too scared.
  5. We get laid. For some strange reason that I am still trying to figure out is that most girls that frequent pubs and clubs have a thing for that drunk dude especially if he is of the creative tortured soul type. I have an artist friend who gets wasted and the women that chase after this fool like he was driving a GT continental are numerous. They must want to super save a drunk or something.

 

If I can think of more reasons that society hates a drunk dude I will do a sequel to this blog with the hopes that it won’t suck as much as that Bond film. Fuck a Paul Haggis!

 

Pamoja!!!