Archive for August, 2008

Liquid Diet

Posted in Uncategorized on August 28, 2008 by Saliva Vic

 

“All this smoking gon catch up/ all this drinking gon catch up/ but some niggaz just really don’t give a fuck/” – Ludacris

 

Now I was conversing with one of my girlfriends who is in hospital the other day and she told me that she was on a liquid diet before her surgery. My immediate reaction was:

 

Bella: What the fuck? I need to get myself sick and camp in here with you!

Bunny: What is wrong with you! Have you been drinking?

Bella: No, but if they are going to let you get drunk before a surgery, I want that shit too!

Bunny: *slaps me on the head* This is not your kind of liquid diet you alkaholik, I just can’t eat any solids dumbazz.

Bella: Aaaaah! All this bar talk has gotten me thirsty. Happy surgery!

 

So I left Bunny and hit the bar for my daily dose of medicine and as I sat there at the counter I got to thinking about my version of the liquid diet. The liquid diet is when you consume a lot more alkahol than you do food. There is the extreme liquid diet and the moderate liquid diet. I never recommend the extreme liquid diet to anyone unless its over a 3 day weekend where recovery can be done on the 3rd day. This is because the diet can cause serious physical harm like death or going to rehab and you know how sobriety sucks.

 

The diet also differs with what type of alkahol is being consumed as the liquid diet causes either weight loss or weight gain. Those mofos that drink beer and are on a moderate liquid diet tend to gain weight while those that drink spirits on the liquid diet will lose weight. Other conditions that the moderate liquid diet leads to will include:

  • Blackout Bobbing: This is where the individual will pass out involuntarily at any place even when not drinking.
  • Tongue Impotence: The individual loses his/ her sense of taste with time.
  • Date Amnesia: The individual rarely knows what day of the week it is.
  • Sexess: In cases where the liquid diet is practiced by a group of male and female friends then the chances that they will lay each other quadruple (see BBA 3). There could even be group sex.
  • Death by Liquid: This is where the individual falls into a coma where he/ she may sleep for up to 36 hours.

 

The other conditions are too minor for me to mention on this blog. Therefore friends and enemies if you subscribe to the liquid diet I subscribe to this is a regular thing to you and you’re yawning your ass off at this post. For the rest of you, what are you waiting for?

 

Pamoja!!!

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WTF Moments…

Posted in Uncategorized on August 26, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“Free like healthcare should be” – Murs           

 

I was walking down the street to Muthurwa like I do every morning to get the matatu to work when I happen to notice something that I have never before though it’s the same every morning. There is an old blind man who’s always begging for change at the fly over bridge but that’s not what caught my attention. This mofo had a radio that was blaring some vernacular station with him. That was when I reacted with the all too familiar term that the internets refer to as WTF! My brain just said it, what the fuck?

 

There stands someone that is asking you for change but the mofo has a radio with him. Why doesn’t he sell that piece of crap for a few loose hundreds to an electrician? It’s Muthurwa, the mofo couldn’t possibly miss a buyer son! This person will not and cannot convince me to spare him some change as long as he holds on to that radio. This made me think about other WTF moments that I have had in the past. Let me share some.

 

I’m walking through the city and I don’t know about you but when I’m in town I try to walk as fast as possible because I hate the way the streets are crowded and I just want to get to my destination to get away from the crowds. Then I get to a scenario where I encounter a woman who is walking so slow and swaying side to side so I can’t get past her. Now, I would be okay with it if the woman was drunk but no, she is carrying her grown ass son! The kid is damn near old enough to get laid and here is this woman carrying the mofo!

 

This is a common feature by the way and I always believe that if they are old enough to talk, poop and pee on their own then the little nuccas should be walking, I mean what the fuck? Another all too common WTF moment is the ladies that profile and front. For those that may not understand the term it generally means to act like you know or to show off and in my case it means both. Here’s one scenario.

 

I happened to be kicking it with some extremely spoilt rich kids and we were just getting hammered at Mwenda’s on every cocktail in the menu, just doing it real grand and so I got my mack on to this one chick that had her click with her. They joined us and we all went barhopping. I hated those kids because they like going to up market bars that I don’t  go to as you guys may know I like my alcohol cheap! Anyway I mentioned the bars and the girls said they had been there before but when we got to one club I realized the lie because they couldn’t find the ladies’ room!

 

Then when the rich kids suggested dropping them home the leader chick said that we should drop them in Karen. We get to Karen and my boy wants the name of the lane as being a Karen resident he knew the place pretty damn good and this bitch can’t name a lane she just says that if we dropped her off at the Nando’s then her sister would come pick her up. We do so and drive on to go pick up a bottle or something, I don’t remember really.    

 

A few minutes later we are driving back down the road and we see these chicks walking toward the bus stop and its like 3 in the morning so we stop by and they just give us an embarrassed look. One of the rich kids just says let’s keep driving on but me being a sucker I called a cab guy I know to that location and asked that he drops them wherever and I’ll pay him. The next day the mofo tells me he dropped them off in Donholm, that’s like the opposite direction of Karen and I’m screaming what the fuck? These little ass girls couldn’t quit while they were ahead? What point were they trying to pull? Be proud of Eastlands if that’s where you’re from!

 

I saw their asses again at the club and I was just shaking my head. What the fuck?

 

Pamoja!!!

HIP HOP vs RAP

Posted in Uncategorized on August 7, 2008 by Saliva Vic


“Hillary Clinton hated on you so that bitch is irrelevant” – Ludacris

I was cruising the internets on company time like I always do and before you start judging me I know you are doing the same as you read this blog post. I really enjoy the internets because it’s like reading all the newspapers in the world at the same time. Now what I stumbled upon was a video blog by this cat called Ill Doctrine over at XXL where he was talking about the Obama – Ludacris issue. Now I don’t usually weigh in on politics but I decided to speak on this as I saw it as a hip hop issue and not a political issue.

Those of you who are not Lil Wayne’s avid fans and therefore are able to read may have caught an interview that Barrack Obama did with Rolling Stone magazine where he discussed what he listens to in his iPod and he mentioned Ludacris among a slew of other artists. Obama has also personally met with Luda to discuss policy issues pertaining to the youth. Due to this, Ludacris who must obviously be a Lil Wayne fan, even though he graduated Summa Cum Laude, made up his mind that he must be Obama’s favorite rapper. This is despite the fact that in the Rolling Stone interview Obama hinted that Jay Z was his favorite rapper. Sidebar: Lil Wayne fans don’t read because Luda would have read this.

Seeing as he is Obama’s favorite rapper in his mind Luda did a song called Politics where he shows love to Obama in a Thugnificent kind of way. Let me make it simpler for you my dear reader, he wrote and recorded a rap record. A rap record that shows love will diss the opponents of anyone who does not show love to the person being given props using all the derogatory terms the said ignorant rapper can spit. Rather than go deep on issues like a hip hop record (think Nas – Black President) it is random humorous name calling.

The rap record is never to be taken seriously especially if the artist’s name is Ludacris but that’s the opposite with White America, they take Luda’s new record as gospel of what Obama represents. Now they are up in arms talking about the evil non American person that he is. Shit, even DJ Drama who did this joint must have not thought too much of it as he let Luda spit it over Young Buck’s Get Buck! Rappers and rap lyrics are not to be taken seriously as these people are dudes that just want money and fame. Hip Hop has been tainted by rap and Emcees by rappers. Real hip hop is out there that tackles relevant issues but due to the man wanting to keep it suppressed it stays in the underground.

Stop taking rappers seriously and give real emcees the seriousness that they deserve! If we don’t, eventually rap will kill hip hop.

Pamoja!!!