Archive for July, 2008

Random Ridiculousness!

Posted in Uncategorized on July 30, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“Before you learn how to rhyme/ you better learn how to add, its mathematics/ – Mos Def

 

I wanted to write about my birthday but then about a paragraph into the damn thing I got bored. Then I wanted to write about hip hop and then again I got stomped. I have therefore decided to just start typing and whatever ridiculous thought that comes to mind goes down on the page. The other day it came out that Rick Ross used to be Mr. Johnny Law. This would have not really been an issue had Ross just shut the fuck up and let the blogs have a field day with it to the point that these bloggers have actually pulled up stuff on Ross’ mother and shit. Either way it provides for great humour when you’re bored in the office as I am. Everyone’s making jokes about it.

 

The other thing I have noticed is that I have weird mannerisms, behaviours and beliefs. I know everyone will act a certain strange way time to time but mine are the ones that people will always comment on when they see or get to hear about them. Let me share with you a few:

 

I never go to church….at all.

I used to go to church up until I was 18 when I got disillusioned by all the different religions that there are and yet He is only one God. Ever since I decided that I will not let myself be drugged dragged into their bullshit and will instead pray to God on my own. I don’t believe in religion I believe in God.

 

I pray in the bathroom in the morning over a basin of water.  

As some of you may or may not know I live in a box with no running water which means that every morning I have to do what my boy The D.I. calls “the squats” i.e. I bathe in a basin/ pail of water. Before I do so every morning I pray to God before I touch the water. It’s just a weird habit I developed. It’s so serious that whenever I see a basin it reminds me of prayer.

 

I crap bucky nekkid. That’s butt naked for all you Lil Wayne fans (read slow negroes)

I went to a good boarding school known as Ditchez. Good school means that it was like a prison where teenagers are treated like the little pieces of human garbage that they truly are. We were tortured in all manner and form. Even enjoyable stuff like eating became terrible due to the food they served. Anyway the toilets had a stench that would stay on your clothes for hours so we always stripped down to our boxers before we ventured in to do our thing. Ever since those years I strip down to my boxers whenever I want to take a crap. I will walk in with clothes, yes but before I sit to do the dirty, I have to strip.

 

I have this thing where when I get drunk I want to eat hair.

This will however only occur if I am in the presence of a Nubian or Asian queen with authentic 100% made by God hair. I get drunk then I just find myself being lured towards taking a good clean healthy bite of her hair in the attempt to satisfy my need to include hair in the diet. I don’t even know what nutritional benefits hair has if any. Some people have called it a fetish, but I beg to differ, I think it’s just a drunken compulsion.

 

These are but a few of my quirks, I would have put down more but I’m too lazy to continue writing. I have given you enough fodder for you talk about on your boring date with the office accountant named Felicitus.

 

Pamoja!!!  

 

Me and My Crazy Girlz

Posted in Misadventures on July 24, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“I hate to see yall frown but I’d rather see her smiling” – Andre 3000

 

I have of late entered a serious relationship. Her name’s Babe. That’s right, I am monogamous and this has been quite trying given my track record with women. I can be quite the bastard at times and the ugly thing is that I have so many girlfriends that Babe has to get worried at the thought that I am kicking it with a girl who is known all over Nairobi for not wearing any underwear. This got me to thinking about the crazy girlfriends that I hang with from occasion to occasion who I might not be able to see too much of anymore.

 

  1. Nutta Panties: She’s one of my favorite people in the world. She is a beautiful actress who drinks like a fish and can get anyone to have fun. She runs with a pack of other crazy sistaz that I am acquainted with. Every night is a fun night when Nutta Panties is around.
  2. Bluntz: This is another one of the girlfriends that I chill with but her not so much ever since I discovered that she wanted to sleep with me. I call her Bluntz because she never has less than 3 blunts on her. If she doesn’t have any or less than three, then its safe to assume that shawty has been smoking.
  3. Elkay: Elkay is the kind of girl that every man who sees her wants to bone. Her and I are like best friends. I help her sort out issues and she hooks me up with girls who like to get freaky. Elkay is always willing to try anything once and has never been mad at me even the time I left her at the bar. No more hook ups for me.
  4. 3 Nipples: Yes she has three nipples. She is a drinking buddy. The kind of girl that will invite people to her house which happens to be mad far then throw some meat on the grill then proceed to get everyone who came so fucked up on drugs and alcohol. Come to think of it, she’s the reason I met Bluntz who was like 3 Nipples’ dealer at the time.
  5. LA: LA is my girl from way back. She used to be a jump off then her status went to best friend then back to jump off then to girl that I rarely speak to at all but then we became close friends again. The reason I can’t be seeing her anymore is that the girl has a way of influencing me to do or try and do some shit. I quit smoking blunts in 2004 but because LA wanted to try it in 2006, I not only bought the weed I sparked that Kush. She is liable to get me in trouble plus she’s quite attractive.
  6. Mwenda: I call her Mwenda because she is crazy. The kind of chick that has serious mood swings and acts all wild all the time. The 1st time my girlfriend met her the night ended with the two of them and their respective crews shouting bitch at each other. Just last week I almost overdosed from Captain Morgan at the hands of this crazy sista.

 

In a relationship you have to try and make it work by limiting certain things. You do not necessarily have to quit the habits just cut back. In my case I have to cut back when it comes to the girlfriends. It’s like 3000 says on International Players’ Anthem, “Spaceships don’t come equipped with rear mirrors, they dip” for those who are slow (read Lil Wayne fans), that means that you leave the past behind and don’t look back. Its called a metaphor something Lil Wayne’s ass may never know anything about.

 

Pamoja!!!