Archive for June, 2008

Lil Wayne’s The Carter III Album Review: Syrup Edition

Posted in Alkahol, Hip Hop, Music, Music Reviews on June 24, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“The best rapper alive since the best rapper retired” – Lil Wayne

I look at that line in retrospect and get a sick feeling in my gut. The reason being that at the time Weezy spit that, I was a big fan of his work having grown up with him through my teen years and he was finally getting recognized after years of being overshadowed by his less skilled label mates. Don’t get me wrong the dude isn’t that hot shit but he was okay. Since The Carter I have watched Wayne slip further and further into nonsensical rhyming and subpar writing that made me loathe his music. The only thing I like about him now is his addiction to lean. Therefore, to review his new work, I decided to down some cough syrup and Napps then pressed play and this is what we got.

3 PEAT

The gremlin reminds me of bogs and swamps with the title, go figure. That’s what a peat is, rotting vegetation. This is his version of wordplay due to this being the 3rd Carter album. Killer line on this one when he says, “I don’t give a motherfuck/ have your baby kidnap/ have your baby mother fucked/”. As it goes on Lil Wayne sounds constipated, like he’s in the toilet trying to get that shit out but it’s not coming.

MR. CARTER FT. JAY – Z

This one has the best rapper retired on it. Jay impresses as he did on that Ross album. The sample for this beat is incredible. I would pay good money to know where it was lifted from. Another reference to dead things, the dude says Beetlejuice 3 times like in the movie for him to materialize. I told you he’s a gremlin. Lil Wayne surprised me when he spits a metaphor using the 4 seasons, “I got summer hatin on me coz I’m hotter than the sun/ I got spring hatin on me coz I ain’t never sprung/ winter hatin on me coz I’m colder than yall/ and I will never, I will never, I will never fall”. I could use more of those instead little dude starts begging for acknowledgement.

A MILLI

This beat bangs like a motherfucker! It’s the ultimate banging down your block joint. When you listen to what he says, you want to turn up the bass and just let the beat knock. This song is absolute nonsense save for the part where he declares himself as a venereal disease. How accurate, he is a VD on hip hop’s dick.

GET MONEY FT. T-PAIN

The gremlin recruits the Jamaican monster for this one. As always T-Pain delivers an infectious hook. Play-n-Skillz sound like a budget Cool & Dre on this beat. It’s been a long time since “Ridin Dirty” so it’s a good look that they got to work on what will probably be the most popular album this year. I hate this song though; it embodies all that’s not right with hip hop.

COMFORTABLE FT. BABYFACE

When the beat starts to knock I wanted to shout Mr. West but I was forced to open my mouth in utter amazement at the voice that was coming through the speaker. Lil Wayne found the burial ground where we placed Bobby Brown, Johnny Gill and them and dug up Babyface for this one. He swagger jacks Bey at the beginning when he spits, “To the left, to the left” then its downhill from there. He sounds like someone was choking him while he rapped on this.

DR. CARTER

Could the intro to this get any gayer? The concept is that Lil Wang is a doctor of sorts trying to cure wack rappers. I find this amusing coz if he can cure wackness then he should begin with himself. The beat is incredible, you wouldn’t believe Swizz Beats did it unless you were reading the credits as I was. This is actually quite good. I also found it hilarious that he refers to Jeezy and Ye as his fellow doctors. The last line on the song makes me want to slap the taste out of his mouth.

PHONE HOME

Remember the intro to Dr. Carter that was gay? This is gayer with a piano and a notably high Wayne screaming that he’s a martian. Those who do not read this gremlin’s interviews will get lost in this joint but this stems from an interview where he said we don’t understand him because he’s a martian. I think we don’t because he stays high as a giraffe’s butt, I mean, “Hip hop is my supermarket/ a shopping cart full of fake hip hop artists” shouldn’t he be in the cart ?

TIE MY HANDS FT. ROBIN THICKE

The first thing that came to mind when I heard this was Devin the Dude. It sounds like something Devin would rap to. I actually wish Lil Wayne would have had him collaborate on this. Robin did a great job on the beats, the sample is familiar, if it is a sample but I feel Wang could have written a lot deeper than this but he must have been stoned. It’s an okay track, you feel a lot of emotion in Weezy’s voice as he talks Katrina, and I wish Akrobatik rapped this.

MRS. OFFICER FT. BOBBY VALENTINO

This must have been inspired by his condom ads, so he flipped the script and the officer is a woman now. We all know he’s talking about a man. I know Bobby and Wayne have been streaming Homeboyz Radio and listening to G Money coz they pull that thing that G does when he plays Makmuga, wii, wii, wii, but in their case they want to imitate the siren. Its pop shit but listenable and one line got me, “All she want me to do is fuck the police” lol! Lil Wayne should be a singer.

LET THE BEAT BUILD

Great sample from Mr. West again. The beat gradually builds from the loop, the snare, then the kick until the beat is complete. The rhymes are absolutely horrible but the beat saves the song. The machine gun rap is not fitting here at all and Kanye should have given this beat to Common to save us from that horrible Pharell joint.

SHOOT ME DOWN FT. D SMITH

This is the worst beat I have heard this year. It’s annoying. It sounds like Eminem but it isn’t its some kid called D. Smith. I couldn’t finish listening to this, it was pure torture like a Wawesh CD.

LOLLIPOP FT. STATIC MAJOR

The most popular song in the world, what am I going to say about it? I may at times sing this when I’m alone in the box but its not a song I particularly like. I also think that this could be a gay anthem.

LA LA FT. BRISCO & BUSTA RHYMES

I’m thirteen songs deep by now and the kid is seriously annoying. I wish the album would have been over by now. It also occurs to me that Birdman isn’t on this record even though Wayne was on virtually every song on 5* Stunna. The hook to this is disgusting, the beat sounds like some rider nusic and Busta’s verse is okay compared to the bullshit he’s been putting out.

PLAYING WITH FIRE FT. BETTY WRIGHT

Who the fuck is Betty Wright? She’s’ an old r & b soul singer who is known for doing soul and gospel which makes me wonder if they lifted her voice or did she actually go to the studio for this. The beat is angry and doesn’t fit the hook, Lil Wayne sounds like a bitch crying and I couldn’t muster the courage to listen to the whole thing.

YOU AIN’T GOT NOTHING FT. FABOLOUS & JUELZ SANTANA

This is easily the manliest song on this record. Alchemist did his thing on the beat, it knocks serious and Fab is pretty impressive going off the bat like that. One thing that stands out is how good Wayne sounds singing the hook. That’s what him and Fiddy need to start doing, hooks! Juelz mother must be proud because not only can the kid form a whole sentence, he’s learnt how to rap. Not a bad joint.

MISUNDERSTOOD/ DON’T GET IT

This is a great Nina Simone sample, it was chopped up beautifully by these new cats called Rodney & Mousa. Did he just compare himself to Jesus when he spits the line about his hair is like wool? It’s kind of a lame song but you can feel this. He talks a lot of shit at the end getting political and what not. I am surprised the kid stays high but he remembers what he sees in the news coz he quotes mad statistics. As he rants you realize he is high and probably wears glasses. At least he disses Al Sharpton. ROFL!

All in all it’s listenable unlike The Carter II but lacks what Mannie Fresh did on The Carter. The tracks I fuck with are Mr. Carter, Dr. Carter, Tie My Hands, You ain’t got nothing and Misunderstood. This is however far from classic.

Pamoja!!!

Nasty Experience

Posted in Misadventures on June 19, 2008 by Saliva Vic

A sick middle name like Charlie Flu Brown” – Black Milk

I have been blessed by the Lord for most of my life with good health. I have never been admitted to hospital thankfully, the most time I have spent in hospitals was just enough time for me to get stitches. As luck would have it I have an irrational fear of hospitals and doctors, I always feel as though if deat had a smell, it would smell like a hospital. My luck ran out yesterday when I had to go and get a whole check up done. It was a pretty nice spot, no death smells and the receptionist was fly so I was easy. As I sat there flipping through old issues of FHM, the first doctor call me in.

I checked in and it was relatively simple, she just wanted to check my blood pressure and suck some blood out of my veins like a vampire but before she did this she asked me to take my shoes off so that she could check my weight. Now some of you may or may not know that I live mad raw. This means that the rawness does not stop at the box but even with my gear. I ran my thoughts quickly knowing that I had on torn socks and I knew that I had to remove my shoes and socks simultaneously. I was successful with the first foot which was when she said I needn’t take off the socks. I quickly quipped that I don’t to be the guy with one sock on so I took off the other.

This was going good until I saw her pick up to itty bitty containers and placed labels with my name on them and I knew the moment I dreaded had arrived. See, my girlfriend, yes you read right, I might be an alkaholik with a penchant for talking trash on this blog but there are some special girls who find yours truly to be the shit, anyway I digress. My girlfriend and I were texting and she told me that I would have to pee and poop in a cup but I was telling her there is no way but as expected I was wrong and she was right. My major problem with this was that I had already taken a crap before the hospital so where was more going to come from?

I check in to the loo and for the next half an hour or so I struggle to get some shit out of my large 98kg ass! It was horror and when it finally came out the sucker was disintegrating in the water! It was like soil…oooohh…that’s why they say you soiled yourself. I figured since I couldn’t scoop it up I just picked it with the water and shut the container. I need to get off my liquid diet because its resulting in light shit. Please note when I say liquid diet I don’t mean one of those detox diets, I mean that I stay on that alkahol all night all day.

Thinking that it was over I decide to bail but I’m led to another room where I meet another doctor. She looked like with one glance she would have a diagnosis, like “this patient suffers from heart disease, liver cirrhosis, gout, VD…Oh yeah, he also has VD”. I sat down and we started talking about my medical history. It was pretty downhill from here with nothing to write home about. What I learned from my little experience at the clinic is that they need to prepare someone mentally for the kind of stuff that you have to go through at the doctor’s. I need to know that I will be scooping up shit, taking items of clothing off and what not.

Have you had a nastier experience this week?

Pamoja!!!

Lil Wayne Can Totally Smash Your Chick…If He Was Straight…

Posted in Uncategorized on June 19, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“She’s my friend she doesn’t judge me/ she has no idea I’m ugly/ So I’ve absolutely nothing to hide/ Because I’m so much prettier inside/” – Ceelo of Gnarls Barkley

Its been a hot minute since I decided to blog about anything. I just kind of lacked the inspiration needed to constantly write for free for a bunch of clowns who’ll in turn call you an alkaholik wanker. It’s kind of like being a teacher, a thankless job really. However thanks to a few friends I think I’m being inspired again and so I will put my finger to the keyboard and tell you about a little observation I made earlier this week.

I was lounging in my humble abode that I will from now on refer to as the box, just sipping on some good stuff some sweet sweet J&B and masturbating holding my nuts. I decided to cruise tv land as I can’t access the internets from the box. Now before you dudes start to think that I’m on some kind of DSTV shit I’ll have you know that my set can only get up to four channels so it wasn’t like I was spoilt for choice when I had to pick between some crappy news about the middle east, an old movie I watched a hundred some odd times, a sitcom that I couldn’t hear a word of on account of the static and my arch nemesis…Lil Wang Wayne.

Lil Weasel Weezy performing live for his fan club was what I ran into on KBC and I had to pause and watch because of two reasons. First, I caught his set just when he was doing lollipop and I wanted to hear him without the vocoder and see how absolutely rubbish it would be. The other reason I decided to watch this little performance was at the outrageously female dominated crowd. As a matter of fact I don’t think that there was a dude in the audience. Its like Birdman was jealous of his little plaything protege finding a jump off and ordered that the fan club only let in the girls.

I figured that there would be some good looking broads in the crowd for me to ogle while Lil Wayne was croaking in the background. This ended up to be a invalid reason coz I could barely make out the girl’s faces, what with the cameras staying on Weezy except at only one point when my eye caught a girl with a ridiculously large bottom (those girls from the south could give Kenyan girls competition). Anyway what surprised me is how much the girls were screaming young dude’s lyrics. He was performing lollipop which by the way he pulled of quite well without a vocoder partly because he sounds like a troll on Sweet Menthol of course.

What was particularly amusing was when he got to the part where he says, “hit it hit it like I can’t miss” he did this thing with his groin that looked like he was tip toeing while someone had a leash on his shlong! The girls went nuts! That wasn’t it though I start getting into gayboy’s antics and next he’s doing leather so soft and he has a guitar with him on stage and before I know it he’s strumming the hook. Not that he was any good, he sucked balls but the surprise was that he can actually play a little bit. I used to think the syrup got him retarded. As if this wasn’t enough, the boy would pull another fast one on me. He started talking about his favorite ho guest verse which he said was the verse he laid on the remix to Shawty Lo’s Dey Know.

 Now I don’t mess with the radio so I had no clue that there was a remix to this song and what surprised me the most was that as soon as the beat started knocking seriously and he jumped off into the verse, the girls were screaming his lyrics louder than Lil Woody Wayne was. I haven’t seen girls react like that since LL Cool J, and with Uncle L it was coz he sang for the ladies and was really good looking. But the gremlin? Could it be that gay dude appeal? I mean they think he’s their equivalent to my Rakim. Nullus.

That’s when it hit me that we need to be thankful, as men, that this guy gets pounded in the bum by Birdman and that he lives on the other side of the globe. That’s because at this rate, the boy can lay the pipe in any woman who has the capacity to listen to the radio and watch television. The man would smash the daylights out the head of your little girlfriend.

So all in all I believe that the troll aka gremlin’s performance deserved at least one thumb up…what do you think?

Pamoja!!!