Archive for May, 2008

The Day I Kissed A Man!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 27, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“Niggaz mad coz I’m bagging chicks that look as bad as Jigga’s” – Erick Sermon

I came across an interesting article today, an interview with Usher that was carried by the Entertainment Weekly. The dude was talking like a grown man. The things that we choose to ignore or misrepresent. The line that caught my eye was when he said that when you are sleeping with all these different women nightly, are you a playa or are you being a whore? That’s real talk right there because I have been in a situation like that, where you make all this money and you’re young so all you do is party and get laid and that’s not right. It begins to eat at your soul after a while. It has to stop because there’s more to life.

This got me thinking about my past and all the wicked and crazy things that I have done and I will share with you a story that might make you sick or laugh. Either way I don’t really give a crap! Back in the day when I was gearing up to head to University I used to hang out with this crew of rich clowns that I liked to call Old Money due to the fact that they were like 2nd generation rich kids. We would hit up this local spot on Sundays called Ka Mandela’s and just drink up talking about everything under the Sun. One Sunday our focus was on gays. Everyone was against gays and I was playing devil’s advocate because I really don’t have a problem with gays. This led to those boys suggesting that the reason I was defending gays was because I was one especially due to the fact that I find other men to be attractive.

Then I shifted the story to the issue of actors who play gays in film and theatre and I was of the opinion that if the job demanded that you kiss a man you would do it because you know that you aren’t attracted to that person. In the same way, I can say that another man is beautiful and know that I can never do anything sexual with them. My boy Allan at this point was pissed and dared me to kiss his cousin, some clueless cat we’ll call Geezer. I accepted his challenge with one condition, he had to buy me a crate of Guinness! Now, I was pretty broke and thirsty so I saw opportunity and jumped on it.

Allan who was baller extraordinaire promptly ordered a crate of Guinness and paid for it. At first I thought it was a joke but once I was majestically stepping on the crate I knew it was the real thing. I grabbed Geezer and laid one of my Nairobi famous kisses on the mofo for about 15 seconds. Can you imagine that after I backed up off him the geezer was still there pouting his lips waiting for more. Everyone in the bar was spitting their drinks out and some dude was asking for bleach to wash out my mouth. I just sat down and sipped on my Guinness. I drank close to 12 that night and passed out. The remaining 13 were carried to my mom’s house and I acted on them the next day.    

This is just one of many crazy episodes that I will be sharing with you soon as the blog tries to revive to its old self when it was on Kenyanblogger. By the way, I think that dude that owned the website sold the IP address to Dear Kenya. Greedy bastard!

Pamoja!!! 

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My Celebrity Crushes…No Cam’ron

Posted in Uncategorized on May 23, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“I’m the best kept secret since the AIDS cure” – Phonte of Little Brother

I was lounging in the office today just thinking about random things like which one would I rather have sex with, a mop or a broom? That’s when it occurred to me all the odd crushes that I have had over the  years. I am not talking about those little kiddie crushes that last a week, I’m talking crushes when you’re good and ancient as myself and they never really go away even when rejected by the person. These thoughts in turn led me to think of the celebrities that I have had a crush on. I hereby give you a the top 5. A big “NO CAM’RON” precedes the following text.

NAMTERO MDEE

She obviously tops the list. This is because she’s the most beautiful of my crushes and she is the most recent one. I have it so bad for Namtero that on Facebook, one of my interests is to hook up with Namtero Mdee. I’ll be sending her IM’s randomly, cutting out her pictures from the paper and sticking those suckers on my wall, shit I’ll have my man whose paparazzi follow her and take pictures at events! I have it that bad!

JOHNNY DEPP

I have had a serious crush on Mr.Depp since 21 Jumpstreet! Back when he was Officer Hanson man! I couldn’t wait for Sunday evening when the show would come on. I would literally beg my dad to put it on if there was anything else showing concurrently. Of course, there would rarely be as there were only 2 TV stations back then. I am not gay but if I were, my dream dude would be Johnny Depp. The funny thing is I would never date a white girl for shit!

SANAA LATHAN

Sanaa…just the mention of her name makes my skin glow. I might have the meanest of mugs but just show me Sanaa and I’ll be smiling and looking fruitier than Cam’ron in pink! Brown Sugar is my favorite movie for two reasons, the beautiful story of hip hop and Sanaa Lathan. One of my least favorite movies is Disappearing Acts because of the scene where Wesley Pipes Snipes, gives her the dick! Karma is a bitch! See if he didn’t do a scene diddling my girl maybe he wouldn’t be going to jail right now. I almost kicked in my girlfriend’s TV set because of that scene.    

FAREED KHEMANI

I honestly don’t know why but I once had a crush on this dude. I think it’s the height and his “you ain’t shit but I am” attitude. This was short-lived however. It was kind of like the first time I drank Jack Daniels Tennessee Whisky, you get to hear all its praises, how good it tastes, how it knocks brothers out then when you finally sip it, it’s not all that! I’m not saying I diddled Mr.Khemani, I just hanged out with him at a party and he wasn’t all that, he’s actually just average.

 GRACE MSALAME

If Grace Msalame had Namtero’s face, that would be the perfect woman and if Grace Msalame had Namtero’s face that would be the perfect woman. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking Ms.Msalame’s looks because shawty is hot, I’m just saying that Namtero is cuter face wise. Grace is buxom just like I like them and has a serious sense of style! I would watch Straight Up and just dream of sucking face with Grace. If I were the type that believed in marriage, this is the woman I would marry!

These are the top 5 celebrity crushes I have had in my life. If any of the said celebrities ever come across this little blog of mine just know that I’m just saying….

Pamoja!!!

It Is Officially In Vogue To Suck Balls!

Posted in Alkahol, Hip Hop on May 22, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“To emcee requires skill, I demand some shown” – Black Thought of The Roots

Yesterday was a pretty busy day for me at work. I had numerous client visits to handle and I was exhausted by the time it was four in the afternoon so I decided it was quitting time. There however was an incident that led to the 4 o’clock qutting time. My boy Jay and I were in the loo and I was in one stall while he was in the other. We were chatting as we handled business and he was simultaneously sending some money through M-Pesa on his celly. Now if ever there was an example of men not being able to multitask, this was it because the next thing I heard was Jay screaming that he had just peed himself!

The dude concentrated on the phone and peed his pants, I therefore had to get his jacket to cover it up and we sped home in his car because we live in the same neighbourhoood. This shit was funny because all the way there he kept bitching about drivers on the road with no sense of urgency. I reminded him that not everyone on the road had peed their pants and needed a change. I should have called him Diaper boy.

After laughing at his expense I went to the local for some R&R. As I sat there sipping my drink and watching this show called The Beat, something occurred to me as these random monotonous videos kept coming on, it has suddenly become fashionable to suck balls as an artist these days. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not mean to say that they perform the sexual act of ball sucking (an act I particularly enjoy if its done on me) I mean that they make music that sucks. I’m talking about really really bad music!  

Picture this, they started with that God awful bar tender song by T-Pain that always sounds to me like the kind of noise one would make when constipated, then Rihanna’s umbrella, do I even need to comment on that one? Rihanna is the most successful no talent hack of all time. She’s the queen of no talent. I was watching in disgust but little did I know the worst was yet to come. I see R Kelly appear on the screen and I get excited because Kellz is gifted then I see the title of the song, “Hair braider” this makes me think bartender like T-Pain and that’s when it happened.

R Kelly started singing and all I heard was T-Pain. The mofo was using a vocoder on that Auto tune bullshit! Why would R Kelly do this? It gets worse because not only does he sound like T-Pain as the video progresses he looks like T-Pain. The dude has decided to adopt Goldilocks style and dyed his braids gold like a Sisqo with long hair. I don’t even get a chance to get over the R Kelly thing because this video by Sean Garett comes up on screen. For those who don’t know, Mr.Garett has written numerous number one R&B songs from way back for the likes of Aaliyah, Missy and a whole slew of artists. The mofo starts singing and guess what? He sounds like T-Pain too. By now I almost choke on the drink at the mere thought that T-Pain might have just become the most influential artist of the 21st Century!

When we set the bar so low is it a surprise that the best you get is Akon & Rihanna? I really feel that artists need to get back to making good music, if not for themselves, for the sake of the artform. R&B has been dead but damn! Let me not even start on rap music. I’ll save that for another post.

Pamoja!!!!   

Celibacy Is Hard!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 21, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“When we riot they don’t care about the dollars lost/ they sippin cocktails while we throw the molotovs” – Akrobatik

I haven’t written in a minute because I’ve been job hunting, boozing and listening to top notch hip hop like the song I have quoted today, Front Steps Part II by Akrobatik. The song is on the album Absolute Value and is arguably the best written rap song this year. The lyrics carry a strong message to all youth regardless of where you’re from. Besides being a conscious brother I have been trying hard to fight the urge to get back on the sexual horse. As some of you may have known I practice celibacy, for those that do not have a command of the English language that means I do not have sex. At all.

This has been hard due to the fact that I am a flirt and that means that most of the time I can charm your girl off of your weak pimp hand. Let me give you a brief scenario. I was chilling at the crib just sipping a six pack of Guinness that my girl Malaika had just copped me when I started text-flirting this girl called Ekay that I had been acquainted with for a while now but was proving to be quite elusive. I had been out with her once but when I leaned in to kiss her she had turned away. She had spotted me sometime when I was feeling down and she wanted to come over for lunch to cheer me up.

I could have told her that all I needed to cheer up was a lot of booze and two big booty girls shaking in front of me, all free of charge. However, I’m not stupid, so I saw an opportunity of playing kissy face with Ekay. I quickly cleaned up the crib and lay in wait for Ekay. Once she arrived I warned her that I live raw. Since no one comes over to the crib very few people know that I live raw. I use this term seriously, I live on bare essentials, no luxuries like toilet paper or running water and guess the first thing that Ekay wanted, to wash her feet and pee.

Looking at her purse I could see she had no space for toilet paper so I asked her to pee and drip dry to which she absolutely refused. I therefore took the little money that I had and bought the toilet paper. The meal was kind of alright because I had prepared some fried cabbage and like 6 pieces of meat and lots of onion in the stew but I didn’t have enough flour to make ugali and no money to buy some more but she didn’t mind. She was that cool and gave me props for living in self imposed poverty.

A few minutes into conversation after the lunch from rawness we started kissing. It was all good, we kept kissing and talking then I don’t know what happened but we started getting hornier and shortly clothes were coming off. I couldn’t stop myself, I just wanted more then she stopped me and asked if it was true what people said that I was celibate. The answer was yes and immediately she put her panties back on. The reason for this was that she was not going to be the woman who makes me break my celibacy.

We laughed about it as we got dressed then she admitted that she had wanted to have sex and was possibly going to at the party she was headed to. I later that night got really drunk and passed out. Back to reality.

Pamoja!!!