I Want Her But I Dont

“Imagine, if this was the last bars I ever wrote/ or the last words I ever spoke” – Big Pooh of Little Brother


I have been blessed in my life to have sufficient looks and wit plus an awesome sense of humor by the great God almighty, so suffice it to say, I have laid the pipe in quite a few broads and been in my fair share of relationships. I am not a loose Negro so don’t get it twisted, it’s just that for a period in my life I was a serial monogamist. As surprising as it may seem, yes, Bella used to go out with one girl at a time.


Of late, I have been battling with myself on whether or not I should hop back on the saddle and start dating again. For those who are not up to speed, I broke up with my last girlfriend about 9 months back and now I have taken a vow of celibacy. I am however, highly successful in this vis-à-vis my battle against the sauce. What stops me from getting back into a relationship is that I seem to bring out the drama in all the girls that I date.


Case In Point 1


After my mom, there was hip hop and after hip hop there was El. These are the loves of my life. I met El when I was a shorty rapping for fun at the centre of a circle of niggaz at the music festivals. I was sixteen but I knew what love was. Love looked, sounded, felt, smelled and tasted like El. Shawty was the shit! What did I do with this precious gift of love? I cheated on El with her best friend and she forgave me, then with her roommate and she forgave that too. That’s how great she was. But one night after a show I got with this groupie and we went to make out in my dad’s car.


Just as things were getting steamy, she asks about El. I ask why she would want to know if I knew her and she said that it was because they were cousins. I froze, my dick size reduced to a shadow of its former hard self. That was it, I kicked her out of the car as she insisted that it’s okay she won’t tell El. Needless to say the next day El was on the horn crying and cussing me out. The cousin lied that we had gone all the way, she even described the cigarette burn on the roof of my dad’s car that she had noted while flatbacking. I lost El forever.


Case In Point 2


A couple months down the line, some depression here, a little attempted suicide there, I was dating again. That’s when I met Yve. She was short and stacked with the looks to stop a mack truck at its highest speed. When I met old girl she was 15 and I was 18. My crew always made fun of me when we went out with her because of that. I remember once RK went up to DJ Adrian at club in westie I think it was Q Stakes or Jayks and asked him to play Guilty Conscience by Eminem then to shout me out at the beginning of the second verse. She was pissed. Google the lyrics if you are slow when it comes to rap music.


I never stopped my friends from dissing her and I didn’t realize that she was getting angrier everytime. One day, we were out at Carnivore close to a year later, she had just been expelled from school for starting a fight and spitting in the face of the headmaster. She had also been linked to a cult that wanted her to have sex with her cousin. I’m telling you these new school kamba kids! I just shrugged it off though my boys were scared of having her in the car.


RK made one wise ass comment but Yve didn’t react, something to do with Satan. Almost an hour later, we’re chilling, sipping and laughing when Yve sucker punches RK right in the diaphragm. RK is bent over not breathing and shawty is screaming, “Finish him! Finish him!” I am in shock and after RK recovered we took her home. The next day she came over and we went to my room. She climbs on top of me and places her knee on my diaphragm and laughing says, “I want to see how long before you stop breathing.” Let’s just say after this incident I was ready to be out of the relationship.


I didn’t want to break up with her though because I really liked her. God had planned otherwise because I called her place wanting to talk to the sister but instead she grabbed the phone. She questioned why I would want to speak to her sister and since it was a surprise for her, I made up a story that I wanted to ask if she was a virgin. She hang up not only on me but my life.


To paraphrase Too Short, those are just some tales, the freaky tales, those are the tales that I tell so well. Should I go back to dating with my track record?





6 Responses to “I Want Her But I Dont”

  1. BlackSocialite Says:

    I came across this blog randomly,I think your talented! I really enjoy your stories..there funny and entertaining…Keep doing you.

  2. Yes. I’m sure thez a broad around town that actually deserves you…. LOL! But seriously… yeah! For material. Let’s face it, artists crave experience…

  3. funny ish!

  4. Eish! Pole ndugu

  5. Case No.2-That is some scary ish!

  6. ^^ my sentiments exactly, are you sure she never sucked blood from your neck at any one point??? (goosebumps all over)

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