Le’Chaim! To Drunks!

“Ma hustla kwa project za ghetto/ ma rival ni ma cops na marifle/” – Zaka of Wenyeji

I went away last week to try and find myself and get off the sauce that I so love to sip and that was quite an experience although I thoroughly got sipped while I was there. I managed to find myself though and I am now working on a new alkahol regime that does not alllow me to get as sipped as I used to. That means that I will no longer be a member of the club, Blackout Bob. I am so streamlined at sipping that on Saturday by midnight my ass was still awake sipping responsibly that my old man was shocked to find me at the pub speaking coherently.

The only problem with this is that my eyes got to witness the utmost bufoonery from fellow drinkers at the bar. These are some of the people I got to notice that day:

  1. Mwaura: This is the mofo that after having more than his fair share of the liquid, he has no choice but to dial up mwaura. If you don’t understand, this means that he throws up. The first instance was this pretty boy who downed about 350ml of vodka in less than 10 minutes. The dude was high making out with his chick when he started making funny head movements. The girl, not being as high, knew that this guy wasn’t finding new ways to pleasure her and backed off. Like reflex the guy puked all over his jeans and a bit on her pedal pushers. It was hilarious! As if this was not enough for the night I spot another guy on the counter. This young’n flashes down a whole guinness kubwa, sips a few more then lays his head on the counter. The Pimp was watching him as he lay there and not being slow, grabbed his drink sreaming, “He’s going to die!” seconds later the guy is lying in this black vomit with sukuma wiki in it! WTF!
  2. Mr. Baller: This is the guy at the bar with the hottest cellphone, talks to all the women, has the sickest cologne, you know the whole shabang! Anyhow, in my mind I always thought that these types never get drunk, coz they need to keep up a sort of image. WRONG! WRONG! I watched this cat as he downed drink after drink, talking about everything from the cellphones to bragging about women to politics. The more he talked the more drank he seemed to consume. Then the odd behaviour began, first, it seemed he was looking for a flatbacker (woman to lay flat on her back in layman’s terms) then it seemed his mind wasn’t there, all of a sudden he’s putting on his socks on the counter. WTF!
  3. Die Hard: This to me was the worst drinker. He’s not the drinker who has to drink but rather the one who after having had his drinks elsewhere chooses to go to a local where he will die…hard. First example was this old man. He showed up at around midnight after doing the rounds. He gets on the barstool and orders his pints, bear in mind that right now, yuko mbele kama mfuko wa shati. He gets sipped on almost three and then strategically pulls a Scofield staggering like crazy. The second one was a friend of mine who shows up at the local at about three in the morning and orders one drink but you can see in his eyes that he is tired and a bit messed up. He then kicks it a bit, not much convo then leaves. WTF!
  4. Groupie: This one applied to the ladies and it doesn’t mean they were chasing after famous people either but rather the manner in which they gave the men attention after getting sipped you would have thought they were groupies. One of these broads looking all sexy in her dreads came over and had her hands all over me after she had been doing the same to the pimp and after me she moved to G! The other one just kept coming over rubbing her tiny titties on me then moved to G and tried to grab his cigarette. The look he gave her, priceless. Finally, she looks at me and then clicks. I shrug it off and next her other friend has her ass in my face. Had I blacked out, I would have missed all this.

So I hereby toast to all the drinkers in the world. Do it big.



5 Responses to “Le’Chaim! To Drunks!”

  1. LMAO!!!! Hold up one sec, the dude that showed up at 3am, absolutely pissed and had one drink before heading out, that wasnt me was it? LOL Plus that chick that tried to grab my cigerette WTF!!! Bitch, I dont know you like that….. I have decided to stop drinking and smoking anyway

  2. bellasbiz Says:

    ^^^nah that wasn’t you…good move quitting cigarettes but booze i don’t know…

  3. Lol at you all….lemmi find out yall actually get groupies….HAHAHA

  4. bellasbiz Says:

    ^^^no she just acted like one….

  5. Mwaura is my absolute favorite. Ati u’ve streamlined ur sipping… Hah!

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