He who hesitates, masturbates!

 “Ni E-Sir/ pewa mbili kwenye kichwa/ lyrical tongue twister/ da mista k-i-swahili nani yuko na shida na mimi/ E-Sizo, matatizo/” – E-Sir

I don’t care what any of you fruits have to say, my man E Dash was that dude when he want to straight spit a sick sixteen over niggaz heads. However, I do credit him for co-creating that God awful kapuka style even though he was and still is in my opinion one of sickest spitters to come out of Nairobi city. Here’s to you E-Sir you will always be missed by those who cared. I got to thinking about E-Sir this weekend on the anniversary of his death as I was reminiscing on when I used to go clubbing with my boy RK. That was when we were young macks looking to get boozed and laid at the lowest cost known to man.

I remember once RK and I got a box of Meakins gin sachets and stuffed them in our socks then got in good old XF (that’s what we used to call the beaten up Nissan station wagon RK’s mom used to drive around in and we would use to hit the rave, later own Musa would upgrade us to a Benz but that’s a story for another day) and headed to the voo. The bouncers would use metal detectors and so we got in because sachets are plastic. See how genius we were. That day there was this girl there who had the biggest crush on RK and who I had the biggest crush on. Her name was HK and she was gorgeous, she had an ass I couldn’t wait to lay my head on, and the voice of a bird. Needless to say shawty was the shit!

Since RK was basically a whore kind of like Stalin, matter of fact, Stalin was heavily influenced by RK now that I think about it, he went off with another hot thing and left HK hanging. I was also left hanging by RK so I went and got a beer with the only 100 bob I had and went to sit where all broke dudes at the voo used to sit. That’s right, the bonfire. I strategically positioned myself in such a way that the bouncers couldn’t see me spiking the beer with the gin. I just sat there for the next two hours sipping next to the bonfire, those mofos must have been amazed at the way one beer could be sipped for so long and get someone so drunk.

When I was good and drunk with all the sachets finished I made a beeline for the dance floor. After sipping all that alkahol I was dancing the night away and making a spectacle of myself while at it. This turned out to be a good thing coz HK came over and joined me. We were enjoying ourselves when the DJ switched the music to some crappy slow song. It was that last session of the night where the lovers get to slow dance. Now I got nervous as hell, I felt a cold sweat trickle down my face as HK put her arms across my shoulder blades and I placed my hands on her waist thinking about that song by Mos Def, Ms. Fat Booty. I slowly pulled her towards me and she pressed her body firmly against mine. My dick by now was the size of a cucumber; I don’t believe I have ever been that hard in my life!

I could tell she had felt the hardness because she was giggling mischievously. I couldn’t take it much longer, I was dying to kiss her but I was scared all the while thinking that this is RK’s girl and why would she be interested in me. Yes, back then I wasn’t a cold bastard who laid the mack down. As she leaned on me, her face touched mine and I felt her breathe on my cheek. That’s when I made the biggest mistake ever when it comes to kissing a girl; I asked her if I could kiss her. Three words my friends, what the fuck?

She momentarily looked me in the eye, pulled away a bit then danced while staring at her shoes. I went as if to kiss her then I got cold feet, thinking that she would duck my kiss. After about a minute RK appeared with the broad he’d picked up then told HK that her dad had come to pick her up (imagine a dad that cool). She looked at me and hugged me goodbye. I would never see HK again till a couple of years ago still as beautiful as ever.

I still talk to her on facebook, she having gone to TZ and all but I will never forget that night.



One Response to “He who hesitates, masturbates!”

  1. You did what????

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