Bad Santa

“This will seem to be clear common sense/ but cats be livin off sheer confidence/ like fuck that/ picture ‘em tellin me run that/ but actin invincible/ just ain’t sensible” – Mos Def

The holidays are here with us once again and those little kids from the rich neighborhoods where they have totally adopted some nonsensical traditions from the Americas will be doing easter egg hunts in their large backyards while the poor kids might get lucky and have chapattis this weekend. The latter, however, may be highly unlikely due to the timing of this Easter, smack in the middle of the month. Others will visit family while others such as myself will pretend to visit family just to mooch off the free meals and look for free alkahol. Others, believe it or not, may actually go to church.

The holidays made me think of a Christmas holiday not too long ago in a land not so far away where a young man called Bella used to live. It was a pretty happy time due to the fact that after two and a half years of hard drinking Bella had somehow managed to earn a good degree and was to graduate just two weeks shy of Christmas. Now Bella was not excited about this so he invited no one to his graduation, though no one would come either way, so he went off to sit hours on end in the hot sun just to get to hear his name called out by some old dude in a ghost costume.

Bella hang out with these girls in his campus days so they were all there with him posing taking pictures and hugging each other, you know, totally girlie stuff while he just sat on a bench sucking on a menthol cigarette reciting rhymes to an imaginary audience. Bella’s girls got over the excitement after a bit and started asking what he would be doing after the ceremony and he coldly replied in his signature raspy voice, “…the usual.” Instantly the girls each invited Bella to their graduation parties, invitation he declined until YG the most insistent of them all talked him to going to hers.

After lunch with his dear mother Bella listened to his music smoking on his menthols waiting for the right time to get to YG’s party. The moment arrived and he made an entrance indeed, there were so many girls there and so much alkahol but Bella being celibate went to the table where the alkahol was being served and didn’t bother to make time for the pretty girls who felt like their lives had just began. You would think these girls were having sex for the first time at the way they were screaming.

After overindulging as was his style, Bella insisted on going home in the dead of the night as opposed to YG’s offer to stay the night. He got on the road staggering, swinging from side to side, one would think he was doing that atrocious slide dance style that was oh so popular then. Bella lived in a relatively safe neighborhood so he wasn’t bothered with the darkness and besides he was so drunk he felt invincible. Just as he got near his mother’s house he got jacked and in his head that “Got” track by Mos Def was playing. Bella passed out and woke up shirtless, his money and phone gone. Still drunk he wiped the sweat off his brow and started to walk home no memory of what just occurred.

As soon as his mother opened the door she was screaming asking him what happened to his face. His words slurry, Bella said it was just a little sweat. She angrily grabbed him and dragged him to the mirror and that’s when he saw that what he was wiping off as sweat was actually blood and it was all over his face and chest. That’s when it came back to him, the way those thugs had beaten him down and taken the pimp’s phat farm shirt, his money and cellphone. Anyway, the next day he got stitches and got bandages on the side of his head and on his chin. The minute the boys from the neighborhood saw him they burst out laughing and that’s when Space and the D.I. started calling him Bad Santa.

Be safe over the holidays.



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