“I call my heater preacher/ coz everytime he speaks he gets you closer to Jesus” – Killer Mike

I was trying to come up with a post about the 10 reasons I hate politrickians (not a spelling error dude) but I can’t seem to come up with anything funny enough so I decided to tell you about how I committed premeditated cold blooded murder last night. I got off work tired as hell and decided to go by the drycleaners and collect my gear while I dropped some off as well. Seeing as the pub is right around the corner I decided to check in and knock back one with the pimp. I wasn’t going to get drunk, it was mostly coz I needed conversation. Spent about a hour talking with the pimp, militant and space about everything from Blu & Exile to women. Did you know that a goat is kshs.1600?   

I headed home shortly because I had not eaten all day and I needed some nutrition real quick. When I got home I was greeted by the all too familiar humming of those troops headed by the infamous Sneaky and Percy. I was not armed with Doom as I was supposed to so I felt helpless. So I lay there on my bed (I use that term loosely because there’s no frame or headboard, matter of fact, it’s just a mattress) contemplating how I will stop these fools from messing up my night. I cracked open a bottle of Naps and the more of it I sipped and the more the mosquitoes kept buzzing the more it became clear what I had to do. The two leaders, Percy and Sneaky, had to go. The rest of them I could handle.

I began by setting the bait. How did I do this you might ask? I stripped down naked then switched off the lights and lay there in the dark. Killer Mike was playing in the background, Ghetto Extraordinary. Nothing like Killer Mike when you want to quench your thirst for blood but still maintain a certain level of consciousness, he’s like the ’08 Ice Cube (before Ice Cube started making kiddies’ movies). I took another swig of the Naps and I heard them approach, they had fallen for the bait. Mosquitoes aren’t too bright.

As expected it was Sneaky who decided to draw first blood. He swooped in as I swung for him but the Sneaky bastard was too quick, besides the Naps caused some delayed reaction. I knew instantly what their next move would be; Percy would come at me from the left. I put the Naps down just in time to raise my left hand and slap the shit out of myself. I could feel the eeky wetness across my cheek. I got the bastard! I immediately switched on the lights and looked at my hands and face in the mirror. It’s true what they said at the Oscars when Daniel Day Lewis won, “There will be blood.” Percy, it turns out, was a guzzler. There was so much blood for a little mofo like him.

As Sneaky and them retreated due to the light and also to mourn the loss of a soldier, I broke out another Naps and sipped to my victory. I must have passed out but I woke up in the morning and headed to the bathroom only to see that these mofos had gone and pulled out the big guns, they got their distant cousin, this huge dude called Carlos the cockroach. If there’s something I fear is creepy crawlies and somehow Sneaky knew this. Carlos ducked into a dark corner, obviously to plan how they will torment me. Today, I must forego the Naps and get that Doom; I can’t go hand to hand with Carlos.

Pamoja!!!

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