Archive for April, 2008

Blackout Bob

Posted in Alkahol, Misadventures on April 30, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“The people don’t come coz you grandiose mothafuckaz don’t play shit that they like” – Random voice on a Roots record.

Of late I’ve been trying to cut back on the dranks and for a while I was succeeding until last weekend. I was a model citizen and even my people were beginning to envy but then I knew it was only a matter of time before I was back to being a member of the club called Blackout Bob. Blackout Bob is a club of drinkers appropriately named so after one drinker called Bob who was famously known for passing out after sipping one too many Naps at Al’s. Blackout Bob has since left the fraternity but the club keeps on recruiting and I happened to be one recruit.

On Saturday, I didn’t sip even one drank during the day as I was busy debating whether to go throw my hard earned money away in Crooked Q. I got to the local and sipped on half a Napoleon then went to hook up with The Pimp who was chilling with this girl that I like. As we got sipped and the crowd got bigger I started to itch. I was not feeling so good. There was a pit in my stomach and I was craving something. That was when it hit me, I had to sip on some Naps! It had to be immediate man! I deliberated the issue with my boy Militant and he agreed that we needed to sneak some into this club.

I got the fix and we sipped it in turns with Militant. Seeing as we had to leave for Crooked Q I downed the bottle on the ride there as I needed to drown out the bullshit music that the boy JM was playing in the car. The dude was playing that 5 Star Stunna and we were on our way to Lil Wayne night which just made me feel even more depressed because those niggaz can’t rap for shit! Oh boy was I in for a surprise. When we got to Crooked, my head was reeling from the direct injection of Naps and the women. There were so many girls and they were all flirting with your boy right here.

The music was great, they were actually not playing any Lil Wayne songs and I was so happy though Stalin was pissed. Before I knew it we were guzzling more beers when BOOM! I passed out, I was Blackout Bob. The Pimp looked out for me so that none of those bouncers threw me out. I was only awoken from slumber land when DJ Kaydee came on to do a set on the decks. That brother can play some good music. If you don’t feel DJ Kaydee you should consider killing yourself. Seriously.

I awoke to find myself surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women. Some were The Pimp’s groupies and the rest were just hot girls looking for great company which I am pre and post blackout. We chatted and danced then left the club for some parking lot pimping at 6 in the am. We got sipped on a bottle of Richot that we had in the trunk and this was a bad idea as it led to Militant banging the car on a post and losing the indicator light.

I guess I can’t fight myself. Blackout Bob for life.

Pamoja!!!

I Want Her But I Dont

Posted in Uncategorized on April 16, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“Imagine, if this was the last bars I ever wrote/ or the last words I ever spoke” – Big Pooh of Little Brother

 

I have been blessed in my life to have sufficient looks and wit plus an awesome sense of humor by the great God almighty, so suffice it to say, I have laid the pipe in quite a few broads and been in my fair share of relationships. I am not a loose Negro so don’t get it twisted, it’s just that for a period in my life I was a serial monogamist. As surprising as it may seem, yes, Bella used to go out with one girl at a time.

 

Of late, I have been battling with myself on whether or not I should hop back on the saddle and start dating again. For those who are not up to speed, I broke up with my last girlfriend about 9 months back and now I have taken a vow of celibacy. I am however, highly successful in this vis-à-vis my battle against the sauce. What stops me from getting back into a relationship is that I seem to bring out the drama in all the girls that I date.

 

Case In Point 1

 

After my mom, there was hip hop and after hip hop there was El. These are the loves of my life. I met El when I was a shorty rapping for fun at the centre of a circle of niggaz at the music festivals. I was sixteen but I knew what love was. Love looked, sounded, felt, smelled and tasted like El. Shawty was the shit! What did I do with this precious gift of love? I cheated on El with her best friend and she forgave me, then with her roommate and she forgave that too. That’s how great she was. But one night after a show I got with this groupie and we went to make out in my dad’s car.

 

Just as things were getting steamy, she asks about El. I ask why she would want to know if I knew her and she said that it was because they were cousins. I froze, my dick size reduced to a shadow of its former hard self. That was it, I kicked her out of the car as she insisted that it’s okay she won’t tell El. Needless to say the next day El was on the horn crying and cussing me out. The cousin lied that we had gone all the way, she even described the cigarette burn on the roof of my dad’s car that she had noted while flatbacking. I lost El forever.

 

Case In Point 2

 

A couple months down the line, some depression here, a little attempted suicide there, I was dating again. That’s when I met Yve. She was short and stacked with the looks to stop a mack truck at its highest speed. When I met old girl she was 15 and I was 18. My crew always made fun of me when we went out with her because of that. I remember once RK went up to DJ Adrian at club in westie I think it was Q Stakes or Jayks and asked him to play Guilty Conscience by Eminem then to shout me out at the beginning of the second verse. She was pissed. Google the lyrics if you are slow when it comes to rap music.

 

I never stopped my friends from dissing her and I didn’t realize that she was getting angrier everytime. One day, we were out at Carnivore close to a year later, she had just been expelled from school for starting a fight and spitting in the face of the headmaster. She had also been linked to a cult that wanted her to have sex with her cousin. I’m telling you these new school kamba kids! I just shrugged it off though my boys were scared of having her in the car.

 

RK made one wise ass comment but Yve didn’t react, something to do with Satan. Almost an hour later, we’re chilling, sipping and laughing when Yve sucker punches RK right in the diaphragm. RK is bent over not breathing and shawty is screaming, “Finish him! Finish him!” I am in shock and after RK recovered we took her home. The next day she came over and we went to my room. She climbs on top of me and places her knee on my diaphragm and laughing says, “I want to see how long before you stop breathing.” Let’s just say after this incident I was ready to be out of the relationship.

 

I didn’t want to break up with her though because I really liked her. God had planned otherwise because I called her place wanting to talk to the sister but instead she grabbed the phone. She questioned why I would want to speak to her sister and since it was a surprise for her, I made up a story that I wanted to ask if she was a virgin. She hang up not only on me but my life.

 

To paraphrase Too Short, those are just some tales, the freaky tales, those are the tales that I tell so well. Should I go back to dating with my track record?

 

Pamoja!!!        

 

For shits and giggles

Posted in Uncategorized on April 15, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“Hahaha/ check out this bizarre/ rappin style used by me the B.I.G.” – Notorious B.I.G.

First who came up with this cover…nigga trying to rip off the classic Nas cover like Big did back then with a more grimy result.

Just click the link below and laugh. This is funny.

http://listentoleon.net/wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/5lyn4ijq4.jpg

Pamoja!!!

 

Le’Chaim! To Drunks!

Posted in Uncategorized on April 15, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“Ma hustla kwa project za ghetto/ ma rival ni ma cops na marifle/” – Zaka of Wenyeji

I went away last week to try and find myself and get off the sauce that I so love to sip and that was quite an experience although I thoroughly got sipped while I was there. I managed to find myself though and I am now working on a new alkahol regime that does not alllow me to get as sipped as I used to. That means that I will no longer be a member of the club, Blackout Bob. I am so streamlined at sipping that on Saturday by midnight my ass was still awake sipping responsibly that my old man was shocked to find me at the pub speaking coherently.

The only problem with this is that my eyes got to witness the utmost bufoonery from fellow drinkers at the bar. These are some of the people I got to notice that day:

  1. Mwaura: This is the mofo that after having more than his fair share of the liquid, he has no choice but to dial up mwaura. If you don’t understand, this means that he throws up. The first instance was this pretty boy who downed about 350ml of vodka in less than 10 minutes. The dude was high making out with his chick when he started making funny head movements. The girl, not being as high, knew that this guy wasn’t finding new ways to pleasure her and backed off. Like reflex the guy puked all over his jeans and a bit on her pedal pushers. It was hilarious! As if this was not enough for the night I spot another guy on the counter. This young’n flashes down a whole guinness kubwa, sips a few more then lays his head on the counter. The Pimp was watching him as he lay there and not being slow, grabbed his drink sreaming, “He’s going to die!” seconds later the guy is lying in this black vomit with sukuma wiki in it! WTF!
  2. Mr. Baller: This is the guy at the bar with the hottest cellphone, talks to all the women, has the sickest cologne, you know the whole shabang! Anyhow, in my mind I always thought that these types never get drunk, coz they need to keep up a sort of image. WRONG! WRONG! I watched this cat as he downed drink after drink, talking about everything from the cellphones to bragging about women to politics. The more he talked the more drank he seemed to consume. Then the odd behaviour began, first, it seemed he was looking for a flatbacker (woman to lay flat on her back in layman’s terms) then it seemed his mind wasn’t there, all of a sudden he’s putting on his socks on the counter. WTF!
  3. Die Hard: This to me was the worst drinker. He’s not the drinker who has to drink but rather the one who after having had his drinks elsewhere chooses to go to a local where he will die…hard. First example was this old man. He showed up at around midnight after doing the rounds. He gets on the barstool and orders his pints, bear in mind that right now, yuko mbele kama mfuko wa shati. He gets sipped on almost three and then strategically pulls a Scofield staggering like crazy. The second one was a friend of mine who shows up at the local at about three in the morning and orders one drink but you can see in his eyes that he is tired and a bit messed up. He then kicks it a bit, not much convo then leaves. WTF!
  4. Groupie: This one applied to the ladies and it doesn’t mean they were chasing after famous people either but rather the manner in which they gave the men attention after getting sipped you would have thought they were groupies. One of these broads looking all sexy in her dreads came over and had her hands all over me after she had been doing the same to the pimp and after me she moved to G! The other one just kept coming over rubbing her tiny titties on me then moved to G and tried to grab his cigarette. The look he gave her, priceless. Finally, she looks at me and then clicks. I shrug it off and next her other friend has her ass in my face. Had I blacked out, I would have missed all this.

So I hereby toast to all the drinkers in the world. Do it big.

Pamoja!!!

Ms. Ass Out

Posted in Alkahol, Misadventures on April 9, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“No bra with that blouse it’s so necessary/ no panties and jeans it’s so necessary” – Jay Z

 

So these guys at work have me going to this place where they will make me stop drinking and eating unhealthy, the only two things that I still enjoy doing on this god forsaken planet called Earth. I am totally not looking forward to it but I know that it’s a bunch of B.S. and I will be the same old Bella when I get back. Shiiit I already have my liquor packed. Anywho, yesterday I was pissed because in all the running around I somehow managed to rip my boxers. Don’t ask.

 

I think I am the only person whose job actually calls for literally chasing paper. I run all over town after this money and at the end of the day I need to wind out. Yesterday after calling my girl Elkay I went to my local to have some refreshment. Thanks to my friends I am now on an alkahol diet. This means I have to watch how much I drink. The last weekend was so bad that even the barman seconded the idea of my alkahol diet!

 

Therefore, I decide I will be sipping responsibly for the night. It was going okay for a minute as Dub and I talked about developments in his and my life then Elkay called me saying her and her entourage were on the way to Al’s to celebrate her birthday and she sounded pretty fucked up. I welcomed the idea and we got to chilling for her with the boys. After about 5 minutes she arrived making noise with her entrance. The bar was shocked and her friends were in culture shock but I was happy, finally some entertainment.

 

Elkay has a thing for The Pimp so they vanished for a while and in that time I got acquainted with her pal who I shall call Ass Out, you’ll know why in a moment. This girl was pretty drunk you could tell from the slurred speech to the stagger. She comes over and asks what me and Dub could buy her and I agree we could go dutch if she fronted me the other half upfront to which she says she’ll get back to me. Ms.Ass Out was dressed in a wrap around denim dress that had a belt to onnect the back. In all the movement I guess the thing got loose because she turned around to walk away when BOOM! A full moon right in my face!

 

I won’t lie, shorty was stacked, she had ass and breast for days but it was all out there for all and sundry to see. I always wanted to say that. The shorty then went and sat on the counter next to my cousin Abee. It was crazy the chick was just spreading and shutting those legs of hers at will. The randy bastards were enjoying it extremely. I on the other hand was just amazed that this girl had no underwear on whatsoever. No bra and no panties, she was my new favorite girl. I was sober enough to recall all this and the dudes who were drunk still got the photos that the papparazzi was taking. The Pimp better watch out!

 

Ms. Ass Out made me happy that I didn’t overindulge even though I got home at 3 in the morning. So until I get back from rehab, peace.

 

Pamoja!!!

Hi, I’m Bella and I’m an alcoholic…

Posted in Alkahol on April 5, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“I can drink a whole Hennessey fifth/ some call it a problem but I call it a gift/” – Xzibit

Well said by one of the most notorious of the Alkaholik family. I haven’t written in a minute because unlike some fruits that have to work only a few hours in a day I have to put in ridiculous hours for even more ridiculous pay! Anyway what prompted this is what happened to me yesterday. I was at work busy as a bumblebee and going out of my mind. I needed a drink real quick otherwise I was going to scream my bloody head off. Like an angel sent by the gods of alkahol, JM told me to accompany him for a run he had to make to Garden Estate. Now, you might think that this is random but I kid you not, JM is that guy when it comes to buying alkahol when I’m broke which I was and still am actually.

JM copped me that KC to ensure that I don’t stay thirsty while he drank some juice. Juice, I never get that, who in their right minds would want to fill their bodies with sugar and water which has no high instead of filling their bodies with alkahol which makes you fill tremendous. I swallowed the whole 375ml of liquor as I watched Straight Up. Honestly, is there any other way you can stand Drew for that length of time? I’m not hating, I’m just saying! Anyway after this I got a text from my favorite person in the world, my girl Elkay. I love Elkay so we agree to hook up in town.

After a 375ml bottle of KC you would think that I would be easy but I convince JM to cop a Naps because I need to get more loaded. At this point in time I should have listened to that voice in my head that was saying, “Just say no!” instead I listened to the one that was saying, “Hey drink that Naps real quick coz you can’t carry it into a bar in tao! “ I drank the 250ml as JM weaved through traffic on Thika Road. By the time I got to Club Soundd I was faded. It was like I was there but not there at the same time. The only thing I can honestly recall properly is that Elkay was looking great even in a weave. It was like I was in a dream.

The alkaholik in me wanted more still so I convinced Elkay to journey with me to the suburb where my local is located. There I purchased the Naps and got her to drink it too. Now at this point what sticks out in my memory is that the barman harassed me for some cheddar that I owed him from the drinks I had the last Sober Sunday. How is it that when I’m broke I tend to drink more than when I have money? Anyway that’s when the sandman struck and so I was blacking out and ish. The other ish that I remember is my mom bitching about my drinking, because in my drunkenness I went to her crib to eat, since her crib is next door to the local.

Then I had this dream where I was rolling over and over in this sack of hay, bear in mind that I have never seen hay in my life, I rolled over and landed on my mom’s floor. I couldn’t at first figure out how I got there and didn’t bother to recall much because I checked my phone and I got a text message from this shawty that I have the biggest thing and she is so awesome. The problem is that I remembered that  I had met my boy Fab yesterday just before I started drinking. Fab was that dude when it came to drinks, once in high school we went to this Mama Pima who was wack as hell but after a few glasses of IDK Fab was letting his fingers do the walking on her not so private parts.

Anyway Fab told me that he had lost 6 jobs due to his drinking and had since gone to rehab and is now on a soda diet. I don’t mess up that much but I have started thinking that I should give up drinking….so much…unless I’m alone in the crib…who am I kidding these drinks will be the death of me!

Pamoja!!!

No Bitchassness!

Posted in Alkahol, Hip Hop, Misadventures on April 3, 2008 by Saliva Vic

“I got to/ let you niggaz know the time like Movado/ my motto/ stack rocks like Colorado/ like to sip the champagne Cristal by the bottle/ – Jay – Z

These mofos have me feeling like Diddy right now. Some genius in the IT department has blocked K-Blogga so now I have to pay good money to update the blog in a cyber. This is what I call bitchassness and I have witnessed a lot of it lately. In case, you haven’t heard the term, get familiar real quick, http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bitchassness&defid=2944305 beats the shit out of oxford dictionary huh?

Bitchassness is a disease that we must come together to eradicate and as the man Katt Williams said, “Bitch niggas are getting stronger by the day!” I am forced to share with you some of my experiences with bitchassness this past weekend. On Friday, I am sipping with my girl Elkay at an undisclosed location. As we sipped some older negroes joined our table and they were indulging in chemical warfare or as my boy Q-Stick used to put it, KEMIKALI. This involved screw driving their beers with the ever mighty Viceroy brandy. After they had done their third quarter one of the dudes started bitching with saliva dripping out of his mouth.

The old chap couldn’t take anymore and he was blocking his friends from pouring anymore liquor into his glass. The guy almost tipped the table with his bitchassness consuming him. As if this wasn’t enough bitchassness for the day, my girls and I were joined by this baba that had a thing for one of my girls. I didn’t see anything wrong with this considering that the guy announced his arrival at the table with 2 rounds of drinks plus shots.  Everything was going smooth until the guy left to go take a piss. When he got back Elkay and I were sipping on the remnants of the beers ready to receive more from the generous old man. Only one problem, my other girl who the old man was into had grabbed herself some fine dread and they were grinding to that reggae song by Queen Ifrica that goes “Daddy don’t touch me there/ I’m gonna tell on you one day I swear/” how appropriate.

The old guy then looked at us with disgust when he saw this and grabbed his stuff and stormed off. That’s when I realized that this old guy was suffering from bitchassness. By this time I am pretty much winding up my night so I decided to pop up in the local. KPLC were also suffering from bitchassness so they cut power in L.A. so I went to cockpit because they have a generator. Over there I met with Dub who was plastered already. The beer in Dub then made him be honest with him and me for the first time ever. Only problem, Dub has a severe case of bitchassness. The negro slapped me…twice! Didn’t Charlie Murphy explain this in the Rick James episode on Dave Chapelle’s Show; you do not slap a man!

The boy went into a tirade talking about how I may have ruined his life and that I wanted to bang his woman. I tried to explain it but I think my reputation preceded me on that day so I gave up. This bitchassness has resulted in Dub spreading a lot of hate about me but I’m easy because I know where he was coming from and we were cool about it later. The last person suffering from bitchassness was I. After getting sipped seriously on Saturday, I was on the verge of an overdose so my body decided to shut down. When I woke up and saw the guys I was seated with were bad news I got up and ran for the door while the mofos gave chase. These guys have never seen a fat nigga run that fast to get away from alkahol.

Pamoja!!!