How I Stay Wet

Weezy F allergic to winter man/ HOT!” – Lil Wayne on Fireman.”Friends how many of us got them/ Friends the ones we can depend on” – Whoodini. 

Nairobi is hot, it’s hotter than hell’s kitchen. I am sure that the devil is jealous at the heat that Nairobi is experiencing right now. I haven’t felt this kind of heat since I was in Kisumu 2 years ago. I was walking the streets a minute ago and I am soaking wet from the way I’m sweating.

I prefer to stay wet the alkaholik way. Back when I had substantial money to burn I used to beat the hot weather by having myself ice cold beers, preferably Guinness & Pilsners. Alas, those days are gone but I still manage to stay wet quite regularly. How do I accomplish this? You may ask. Simple really, friends. 

1. The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation: This refers to my friends who are known as “Sonkos”. These are those buddies of mine who have made dough and remember what it’s like to be broke. They also have a false sense of superiority and would like to somewhat show off. They will come to the rescue quite often providing me with rounds of alcohol and women too, at times. I say at times coz I got to gank them from these cats. They are the cats who in most cases are boring and will need me to entertain them. That last sentence makes me feel like a ho, what do yall think?

2. Lindsay Lohans: These are the group of friends that I really like, the die hard alkaholiks. No matter what cicurmstance or obstacle we are facing, they got to have it. This friends come in handy when it comes to chipping in, yaani kuchange mapaka dough itatosha kuwaka. They are known to wake me up from sleep to go and get wet. Lindsay Lohans are known for quitting drinking for short periods of time every now and again after a serious binge. The boy Money is going through this right now.

3. La Familia: This are the members of my family. My whole family drinks, this means that there are occassions that usually conveniently fall on a day that I am broke as fuck. You know what that means, FREE ALKAHOL! My pops also at times gets gifts that are liquors and he is a straight beer man, no doubt I raid those boti’s like mad. Then there is my cousin O whose notoriety is well documented. The dude does not live in Nai so when he comes through he throws rounds like the bars will not open the next day. Mad bottles of JD, he buys the expensive shit! There’s also my bros The Ziza and The N, once in a while they sort a nigga out like The N did last night. 

4. Mkopo wa Salo: This is the dear staff at the local. They will understand when a brotha is down and out and all he needs to lift his spirits is a little spirit in him and I ain’t talking about the ghost. The will let me drink on a tab aka tabloid, where I’m from, as long as you keep your word and pay up. Part of my crew almost f’d this up for us, but it’s all good.    

How do you stay wet? Holla at me!



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