Archive for November, 2007

The Misadventures of Bella, Space and the D.I.

Posted in Alkahol, Misadventures, Women with tags , , , on November 8, 2007 by Saliva Vic

“Since I’m a mack, well you know how the story goes/ so all ya hoez n negroez here we go/” – Domino

 

I have these two drinking buddies from the days when we would all post ourselves on one opf the hood’s pavements and proceed to sip naps from sachets hidden in a paper bag. This was during a lounging period in our lives and they are Space and the D.I.

 

You already know Space if you are an ardent reader, the D.I. on the other hand is one of the most notorious sippers that one can ever come across. The boy is do or die about the liquor game. I call him the D.I. which stands for Direct Injection. This is a method of drinking where the dude takes a long pull from his cigarette then holds the smoke in. He then proceeds to take a straight shot of the liquor and exhales what little smoke is left in his lung. I think the method would me mad crazy if he smoked blunts. Anyway, that’s the D.I.

 

Every now and then we manage to get along and go on a drinking binge together, which is rare nowadays, since base was shut down by some police dude who threatened me at the locals. Things changed when I moved and Space moved leaving the youngest the D.I. solo. Sometime back I got a call from the D.I. telling me to join him at some outskirt location where he and Space were chilling with some shorty getting sipped. I figure it was a sober Sunday, might as well make the trip and get sipped for free.

 

Little did Space and I know it was a set up. The D.I. had probably scored with the mama and she had asked her two friends over and all the D.I. had to do was pimp his two pals to these women and the flow of booze would be endless. Space and I while getting sipped at the mama’s crib, get surprised by two big girls. Now I like me some sista big bone but I don’t like to be set up with women without some kind of warning. Anyway, as we keep sipping and eat, the stories start flowing and we are all shortly talking about everything from sex, marriage to alcohol.    

 

One of the mamis made me walk her to the stop as she had to leave early and what do I meet on the way? This bad honey called Sal that I have known since back in the day. Then, they used to call her ghost coz she was skinny as hell (we are talking skeletal) brah! Now the mami has a heavenly body, the booty is round and taut enough to bounce a 50 cents coin off of. I had gotten her digits twice before but due to the way I live, I lost my phone within a week of both occasions. So she sees me with a mami carrying a huge as bag and she says something about broken promises and bounces refusing to give me the digits. Chicks 1 – Bella 0.

 

Get back to the crib and I sip too much coz the other big girl at the crib had started feeling me due to all the ish we had in common and plus I was laying the game down thick coz I figured Space wasn’t interested. It was working coz I remember vaguely that her ‘boyfriend’ had showed and was getting all jealous at the play I was getting but due to my overindulgence my drunken azz passed out. I was later told she covered me up and tried to bag Space who feigned a headache to avoid it. Space still making me go how now brown cow!

 

Anyway my drinking made miss out on two chances of getting with a big girl and some tight booty. This is only one of the misadventures that Bella, Space and the D.I. have been through, what misadventures do you and your crews go through?

 

Pamoja!!!

The Questions

Posted in Hip Hop, Random Access on November 3, 2007 by Saliva Vic

“Vile maisha yangu ni mbaya yako ni shadow” – Wardhes.

There are numerous times that I have to walk the Nairobi streets when I’m on the grind. There are only 3 things I can do to keep myself from getting bored. I either rap to myself as I walk coz my broke azz can’t afford an i-pod, my dome is my i-pod. The other thing is I admire and appreciate all the lovely azz and pretty faces that my sistaz are walking around with in this beautiful city of Nairobi. The third is taking time to ask myself questions that I have no answers to kind of like that song ‘questions’ that Common and Mos Def did on the’ Like Water For Chocolate’ album. Here are a few of those questions.

 

1.Why is it that most girls with tig ol’ bitties (for the slow ones, that’s big ol’ titties) most likely have small, flat or non-existant booty?

2.Did you know that there is a police post those sides of the voo (for the slow ones, Carni) and it’s called West Park? Why do mofos keep getting jacked then?

3.Why does the Kane Extra from Uchumi taste sweeter than the one sold at most locals? We must be sipping some non-electronically tested ish at the bar!

4.Why are dudes obsessed with Lillian Muli? Baby girl is not that fine and she wears a whole cake of make up even when she gets off the set. In Dave Chapelle’s words, “I seen her!”

5.Do people know that the phrase “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one” was first spit by Ice T? Or that the line “Turn off the radio, turn of that bullshit” was originally spit by Ice Cube and not Dead Prez? There’s whole bunch of others that I can’t think of right now.

6.Why are jang’ men usually attracted to yellow yellow mamas? The dark sistaz got it going on too man!

7. How is it that Hip Hop is the only genre of music that tries to get you out of the game coz of your age? Why can’t the young dudes accept and let the old heads rock?

8.Why do I black out when I drink too much?

9.Why are people so sensitive nowadays? They want to ban music, they don’t want Richard hitting both the girls in the BBA house, they censor what you say, they don’t respect your opinion. I once saw a kid almost cry trying to defend some south rapper in an argument? Like Jay said, “Sensitive thugs/ you all need hugs/”

10. What if girls had penises and boys had vaginas? What would sex be like?

 

Pamoja!!!   

It’s me bitches!!!

Posted in Hip Hop, Random Access on November 3, 2007 by Saliva Vic

“I’m fly in YSL, I’m paid for this shit/ Got bitches high as hell n they fuckin like AIDS don’t exist” – Nas.

 

Woke up this morning and no, I didn’t get myself a gun, I was getting some good hed from Kim Kardashian….yes Kim of the fake gluteus maximus fame. Kim who made a sex tape with Ray J. Kim who is called a lying ho by bossip at any given time. I look over as she gives me brains and who do I see? None other than Dame Dash…yes former Mr. Half of the Roc, he’s smoking a crack pipe with his wife and he’s looking over at me jealously probably wishing he still had all that cake that he used to make over at Roc-a-Fella coz he would have been in my shoes. As Kim gives me fellatio, the music in the background is Little Brother’s new ish and I am feeling totally inebriated.

 

Glad I made it away from all that madness that I had to deal with so now I just party. I haven’t even posted on the blog in a minute due to the buttload of money that I have to spend since I met Jay Z last weekend in a club on the low and spit that fire that people like to call hot lyrics and he needed that hot ish right quick. He moved me to NY the next day. Here I am chilling with alkahol, women and hip hop. My advance could buy a small country….mmm….Chad I think….LOL!  Feeling like an old dictator, money machine keeps beeping, I got the continent at my feet. Then the room shook. Snap! Back to reality. I awoke with a massive hard on. Got out of bed and smiled, put the CD on, pressed play and out the speaker came the yell…”It’s me bitches!”

 

The blog is back, don’t sleep on it!

 

Pamoja!!!!

Of Napps, Towels n Networks

Posted in Alkahol on November 3, 2007 by Saliva Vic

“Let’s face it, it’s a sad situation/ when we have to resort to keyboards as a means of making relations/” – Travis of Gym Class Heroes.
 

This morning I woke up nice and early around 0400h. I was feeling alright so I did a quick station surf to see what’s good on the radio. Apart from 2 great rock songs on 105.5 and 94.7 I wasn’t feeling much else, the same old generic crap which reminded me the reason I do not listen to the radio anymore. I therefore slip in Gym Class Heroes’ “As cruel as school children” album and listen to the whole thing as I get into the correct mind state to get out of bed. I get out of bed to get fresh, that’s when the ish hit the fan!

 I was getting water to brush my not so pearly whites when my cellphone started buzzing, absent mindedly I place the bottle of water, now open, on the mattress to go silence the celly and the bottle immediately tips over pouring water on my sheets. I grab the cell and reach down to pick up the bottle. In the process, the towel I have wrapped around my waist drops right? I therefore put the cellphone and bottle down and reach down for the towel and that’s when disaster struck!

As I was spreading the towel to wrap it round my waist and cover up my precious wang, the towel hit the emergency naps bottle that was on the floor and SMASH!!! The bottle shattered into something like 4 pieces and I instinctively drop the towel and hold the broken bottle to keep from spilling anymore of the precious liquid. There I am naked on the floor, balancing the bottle over a glass, pouring it out slowly through a sieve to avoid broken particles. I then absent mindedly use part of the towel to mop the spillage. In the ‘wise’ words of Homer Simpson, “DOH!”

I then mopped the whole floor properly and went to the bathroom whiffing my new cologne Eau de Napps! Got to work alright but then when I tried to book the new ads, the network was down. Turns out that some idiot went and unplugged one of the main comps that work with the server thingy! I don’t understand IT people hence the last statement. So I start typing this as my release therapy. They got the network up by 0730h and I immediately went to Bossip.com!

What a day, what a day just like Erykah said.

Pamoja!!! 

How now? Scenario 1

Posted in Uncategorized on November 3, 2007 by Saliva Vic

“Wow how, now wow/ how now brown cow/” – Charlie Brown…No not the Peanuts cartoon character but the dude from Leaders Of The New School.

When we used to hang out with my pals at the Northview Apartments, in those campo days and drink as much KC as humanly possible to the point that our livers were ready to send out a complaint to the ever vocal Francis Atwoli (COTU Chairman) due to the enormous amount of work they had to deal with while at the same time working under the most deplorable conditions, there was a very common saying, “How Now?” This later on evolved into “How now, brown cow?”

Do you ever have one of those moments when people do some ish that just makes you go, how now? You couldn’t possibly fathom what on the lord’s green earth prompted them to make the decision they just did or commit the act that just took place. It’s like T.I. being a dumb azz and getting himself busted with lots of machine guns on his way to cop some more while he is a convicted felon who makes 18 Metre in one year…You would think he has people to handle this ish…Doesn’t anyone watch TV? Two words…Anthony Soprano!!!   

Scenario: This dude I know, let’s call him Space. Space is invited to tag along with a friend to a party that the pal has been invited to. Space knows none of the girls that have thrown the party save for one of my favorite jump offs of all time who is also in attendance. The alkahol is flowing with everyone having a good time and Space is even cracking jokes and catching the eye of a few girls. However, Space feels that he has to get with my favorite jump off coz he feels he made ‘eye contact’. They go outside to catch a smoke and the dude, without any warning, goes for the kill and leans in to kiss the girl who back off kind of shocked and repulsed. Chicks being chicks asks the obvious,

Jump Off: What do you think you’re doing?”

Space now is all hood, speaking in sheng and real tough like,

Space: Si nilikuwa nataka kumunju, kwani nini?

Jump Off: What? I am not even remotely attracted to you! It ain’t that kind of party!

Space: Ati What? Si ulikuwa ukinicheki across the room? Una ujinga?

Jump Off: Who are you calling a jinga? F*** you! (Getting ready to slap the taste out of Space’s mouth)

Space: Nini wewe? Unaweza mangwa na Bella lakini unanikazia?

Jump Off: What?? I never slept with Bella! You prick, is that what he said?

At this point everyone comes to intervene and stop this chick from making an example of Space. This is why I have to remark, how now brown cow?

At what point did Space think all was lost and he decided to disrespect this lovely lady in the way that he did. I had never slept with this girl and I never told Space I did but due to his assumptions on the strength that he saw us together and that she crashed at the crib once, he thought I did.

He therefore misses the not only the opportunity to get with this shorty but also all the other girls at the party coz they all know he’s a nut! In the crap that ensued, he also managed to ruin the camaraderie that existed between me and the said jump off. How now??

I am going to give you more How now??! Scenarios in the near future coz they are a lot and more are in store as the days progress…..even for you.

Pamoja!!!

P.S. I was going to title this post “Dumb Ish” but after some reflection settled on this.

Return of the hustle

Posted in Uncategorized on November 3, 2007 by Saliva Vic

Lyrical NutritionFirst of all I wanna thank my connect/ The most important person, With all due respect/ Thanks to the duffle bag/ The Brown paper bag/ The Nike shoe box, For holding all this cash/ Boys in blue who put greed Before the badge/  The 1st pusher, whoever made the stash – Jay Z

This is the first time that I have ever had to look up lyrics that I wanted to quote. It is also the first time I have stolen, no, borrowed a title. The title is the headline of the November issue of XXL Magazine that has Jay Z on the cover. The American Gangster album drops on November 6th and it has the internet going nuts with speculations on the track listing, production and overall appeal of the record. All in all it has been a great year for hip hop. We received some of the best hip hop albums to come out in years, most notably from Talib, Kanye, Common, UGK, Devin, Sean Price and Little Brother.

Back home here in Kenya, the Hip Hop Movement has also been in full effect with a lot of brand new MC’s who show their skills at WAPI that has become quite popular with more and more performances everytime they happen. Most notable however is the duo of Wenyeji. The group is part of the Wu-like collection of Ukoo Flani Mau Mau and consists of Mwenyeji and Zaka. They dropped a gem that I believe is classic with their album Siku Njema. The disc is 15 tracks + 1 hidden track of real life experience.

On the first listen, the track, Fanya Muziki, felt a bit weak to me. Save for the opening scratches of the scream that I must say would have made Preemo proud; I felt the lyrical content wasn’t that nutritious…So I thought. Fast forward to last week when I peeped the video and I was blown away. The vid opens with a B-Boy doing a back spin (if I got it wrong, spare me, I haven’t break danced since ’93!)and as the DJ scratches the scream, the image of the B-boy moves back and forth like vinyl in the DJ’s hand! The location is a basement that gives that grimy effect, like a secret gathering of heads to pay homage to hip hop.

The scenes then keep shifting from the basement to the streets. In the basement we have the Emcees spitting as the B-Boys keep breaking while the other heads egg them on. In the streets we have the Emcees, Wenyeji, doing what they are best at doing on the streets, hustling product. To quote Dandora Burning, “Streetlife warfare, Wenyeji wakatokea”. But not just any product, not the product Jay Z is talking about in Roc Boys, but the most beautiful product that they produce… Music. They cook it up make sure it’s pure while still keeping it’s rawness, kind of like Jay’s product when he says, “Heron got less steps than Britney/ that means it ain’t stepped on, dig me?”. Someone on another blog schooled me on this, stepped on coke is watered down coke that’s far from pure and Jay assures that the way Britney missed her steps during the VMA, his product isn’t stepped on. That’s the same way Wenyeji seem to treat their music.

If we keep getting quality hip hop like we have received this year up until now, hip hop is on the right path. Like Common said on ‘Get em high’, “They say hip hop is dead/ I’m here to resurrect me”. Go out and buy the Wenyeji CD if you do not already have it. This post is dedicated to all hip hop heads who read this blog. To end it, I wish to make a toast to hip hop, alas I quote Jay again, “Mazel Tov, it’s a celebration bitches/ I wish you a 100 years of success”.

To other questionable rappers;

Saa zile mna trade soul zenu juu ya dough/ Tuna parade crowd zetu juu ya wisdom – Wenyeji.

Pamoja!!!

Nicknames Kibao

Posted in Uncategorized on November 3, 2007 by Saliva Vic

“I’m the lyrical HIV use Trust for your protection” – Bamzigi aka African Superman.

I was thinking about the way recently one visitor to the blog almost outed my real name when she called me Jay. That’s when I started thinking back to the first nickname I ever got and in the process realised I have had way too many. Peep some of the memorable ones.

A.V. – This stood for adoloscent victim. I acquired this when I was 13. Puberty had struck and unlike most of my class who were ashamed and nervous,  I fully embraced it meaning that I would go around sexually harrasing the shorties. I would be spotted slapping azzes at random with reckless abandon. Prayer time at pastrol to P.E. I was just smacking azz. The funny thing is that most of them enjoyed this attention. At break time I was busy trying to look up the class 8 shorties’  dresses from downstairs as they stood on the balcony.

Odhat – This was a play of words by my boy Drew. Jang’o dudes are called Odhis so Drew just flipped the dhis to dhat. There’s people from high school who still call me that like this nigga that I had drinks with last night but I had to scofield coz I had work today.  It’s one of my coolest nicknames.

Juonyox – I can’t really recall who invented this one but it was also in my high school years. In remember someone started it to describe someone whose dick still rocks a hoodie…for the slow mofos..not circumcised. I used to be a violent mofo those days I kicked everyone’s azz that used it as a term of disrespect so it was shortlived.

V.I.C. – That’s pronounced Vee – Eye – Cee. I adopted this one myself when I was part of this cypher called ATF i.e. Alkahol Tobacco & Freestyles. It used to be me and the Walanguzi dudes plus this sick spitter called Em Easy. The reason for Vee Eye Cee was coz that dude from walanguzi used to call himself Vickee then same as me so I flipped it. In the final year he said we should switch names and he still uses the moniker till today.

Saliva – This was the strongest of my nicknames coz even my brothers call me saliva. I got this from my USIU crew. Don’t get it twisted, I never went to USIU to soma, I just used to go get fucked up on Thirsty Thursdays. My crew all had nicknames so Q-Stick decided that by the end of that night of drinks I must have one. We were sipping and I passed out, on waking up they were all screaming saliva! Big O claimed that when I blacked out saliva was coming out of my mouth and I kept sucking it back in mumbling, “there’s no escaping this” ala Beatnuts! I however lie to hot women when they ask about the origin. I say, “it’s coz I spit too much………too many rhymes!”

4 elements – That was my stage name when I was asked to perform back in the day when I thought I wanted to be an emcee. I can’t stand the attention you get with people asking you to spit for them when you aren’t on stage. That one is my weakest nickname.

 Halflife – This was originated and used by only one chick, the infamous 22. If you read the blog then you know the backstory.

Obama – I almost forgot this one. When Senator came out when I was in Campus I used to be a regular sipper. The staff at the student bar then began calling the drink Obama as Barrack got popular in the country. The combo of being a regular sipper and a well spoken gentleman made them nickname me Obama. I miss those mofos.

Jay – Due to my name and collection of Jay Z records plus my mad knowledge of dude’s rhymes led to my boo Ray calling me Jay. I wish more people would have adopted this name to refer to me but alas.

Let me get back to work. What outrageous nicknames did you have?

Pamoja!!!