Rave and Rant!

“I said Snoop, things done changed/ its not the same/ we need to get up out the game/ coz we can get paid in a different way/ witchu kickin dope rhymes while I DJ/ But as time gon pass we’d even try to make it/ But things are getting hectic/ I just can’t take it” – Warren G

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I think the year was 1993; Warren G dropped one of the most incredible albums to be recorded by a DJ/ Producer/ Rapper. With the exception of Dr.Dre’s Chronic and Black Milk’s Popular Demand I doubt if any other Producer/ Rapper album matches up to Warren’s only truly solid effort, G Funk Era. I am reminded of G Funk Era today due to the trials and tribulations that I so happen to be experiencing currently.

On G Funk Era, Warren had a song called, “You don’t see” where he spoke of the hardships faced by three teenagers growing up in Long Beach and Compton having to deal with police harassment, gang violence and harsh role models or lack thereof. This song helped me understand a lot when I was only 13 but now 15 years after the fact I am forced to revisit it due to my current situation. That is what makes a great record. Longevity!

A record that will withstand the test of time and solely for the reason that it carries a message! This is what is lacking with a lot of hip hop records lately. Artists seem to forget that this artform came to being as a means to spread a message using the lingo that the youth understood and used to express themselves. The culture was built on the message and having fun but rappers seem to only want to have fun or kill each other these days. Fuck a message!

I shudder at the thought of me as a teenager in today’s world going through my issues that face all other teens that are struggling and when I turn on the radio to listen to some hip hop I get Soulja Boy telling me to kiss my girl through the phone that I don’t own and Lil Wayne telling me how he hooked up with the officer who last night took me on patrol at the back of their truck because they found me going to the shop at 9pm and I didn’t have ID which I’m not entitled to get for another 4 years.

This brings me to the other point, it’s not only the artist’s fault though, we as rap fans, the radio presenters and DJ’s are to blame too. As fans we must demand more of artists with regard to content while the presenters and DJ’s should give the music that didn’t crack the top 40 a chance. You never know, the kids might enjoy it!

Wow! That felt good. Precisely one of the reasons I started a blog so that I can rant about shit when I feel like the world is going to fall around my ears. Have a good one and try and listen to something you can relate to while nodding your head or doing the stanky leg or whatever else it is you do when you listen to a record you like.

Pamoja!!!

Detox, is it practical?

“Overdose at christmas and give it up for lent/ my friends are all so cynical refuse to keep the faith/ we all enjoy the madness coz we know we gonna fade away” – Robbie Williams

I was just listening to good old Robbie on behalf of my cynical catholic buddies who are busy updating their status (or is it statii) on facebook and Twitter, talking about how they will abstain from all things sinful for 40 days yet they know that they will be with me at a bar grabbing some women of loose morals partaking in drugs and eating all animal meat tomorrow if not tonight!

I have never fasted and I can’t lie and say that my detox programmes were ever a success. The only time I don’t drink or eat is when I can’t afford it! My only success was 5 years abstinence for sex and for a drunk fat guy that can be wuite easy. It’s not like girls are beating down the door to lay me now is it?

This got me thinking, is detox/ rehab really practical or does it just make the craving worse? I know for a fact that the universe will always tempt you when you decide to quit the drink for a week or two with all sorts of offers from your pals. That’s the time the miser from the pub down the street decides it will be a good idea to buy you unlimited drinks. It only leads to a series of fortunate/ unfortunate events that will result in you breaking your fast!

I am not trying to encourage anyone to give up on what they have started, if any, and neither am I throwing lent under the bus. All I am saying is that detox is setting yourself up for major fail! But in the event that you succeed then three cheers to you and we can all proceed to overdose then detoxify all over again.

Speaking of detoxification, I will be detoxing myself due to the recession as pretty soon I will barely be able to afford a Kane Extra at the rate the economy is getting fucked up. Due to this circumstances I must.

Pamoja!!!

Kubhatiwa Bombe!!! Bashment…

“All this drinkin gon catch up/ all this smokin gon catch up/ but some niggaz just really don’t give a fuck” – Ludacris

Hey everyone that reads this blog! Sorry I don’t update as regularly as I should but what are you going to do? You will take what you can get right? If you follow the blog then by now you know that I like getting smashed more than the next guy. However, this past weekend I finally came up with a name for getting wasted out of your mind! Bashment!

Let me explain, at the local there is this dude called Bash who is like half ethiopian and other half somali, a rather nice chap who has a love for porn and electrical gadgets. Bash has issues talking swahili and his accent makes things sound so funny. When he wants to buy alcohol he says, ” Bhatiya yeye bombe”  instead of “mpe pombe” or whatever you may.

This phrase has been taken to mean getting jwizzed to the max especially when you’re not buying the booze.  I call it Bashment. Last saturday I was going to stay indoors so I curled up in bed with a good movie (watched Slumdog Millionaire for the 4th time) and a bottle of Napoleon 24 Carat Gold Brandy. Fast forward to 2a.m. I get a phone call from my girl 3 Nipples.

She tells me to head to the bar where she and some girls are chilling. Being a very loose goose I left the box to go to the bar only to find that she had left. All was not lost though coz I got to the local and the bar tenders were closing down and they wanted to share their booze. All I remember is that we got really drunk and headed to my mom’s house where I carried away a sufuria of chicken.

Yes you read right, picture a grown man in a mathree with an open sufuria of chicken! How the matatu guys didn’t refuse to carry me is beyond me. Everyone just looked at me like I was deranged. I woke up on Sunday and continued the bashment with drastic consequences but that’s a story for another post.

Bhatiwa Bombe!!!

Hip Hop Stays Winning For Losing!

“Back in the day it was okay to fuck with me/ now you say the wrong shit niggaz hit you up for me/” – 50 Cent

Today I woke up in a bit of a lousy mood and got to work soon as I could to try and work on some scripts before I had to get down to my real job. I wasn’t feeling creative so I decided to check out what’s hot on the internets and so I headed to Byron Crawford’s blog only to find a post that was titled, “My favorite dis record evar”.

On checking it, it was none other than Fiddy going hard at Officer Ricky. Now on the one hand I think that 50 is being childish with all this picking on the fat kid in class who’s trying to be cool. I also feel Rick Ross Officer Ricky is trying to hard to be the cool kid to fit in. The nucca got exposed and should have gone down somewhere in Miami and retired.

Both this rappers to me have been dropping sub par material the past 3 or so years so I don’t really care but this record is the mother! It reminds me of when 50 came out and smashed Ja Rule with that “Back Down” record. So hip hop wins for losing in this case i.e. stupid childish beef results in stellar record.

The beat is killing me! Great production! Play it, it’s over for Officer Ricky!

Pamoja!!!

Stay Positive, I don’t mean HIV!

“My dream is to fly over the rainbow so high” – Jaba

I will let you in on a secret, having a steady girlfriend or being in a relationship will hinder your blogging. I realised that the times I rarely wrote were the times I was in a relatuionship. Ever since that ended I’m writing again, the blogger’s block is cured. Don’t take this however to mean that getting laid gives you blogger’s block. Relationships do.

I think it’s in part that if your gilrfriend reads something incriminating in your post it could spell the end of your steady pussy relationship. That’s not the topic of this post though, I am writing about being positive and I mean the good kind not the HIV kind. I have developed a positive outlook on life and its fantastic! I’m still the hater you hate to hate but just more positive.

I believe that if you manage to stay a whole day having nothing but positive thoughts or at least very few negative thoughts then the universe automatically rewards you with positivity! It’s the only way and I believe the universe can do this in monetary terms or in kind.

Therefore due to the sad situation pertaining to my bank account, like there’s ever a joyful situation when it comes to my bank account, I am staying positive that somehow this weekend will still be filled with food, booze and funny friends!

On that note, let’s dance!

Pamoja!!!

Drunk Answering…

“Don’t call me no mo/ don’t text me no mo” – Project Pat

I have been going down memory lane a lot the past couple of days as I tried to get back the hang of how it used to be so easy for me to approach a blank screen and just lay out a funy story on it. It led me to one of the first posts I wrote called, “Drunk Dialling“.  However, just the other weekend I experienced the exact opposite of that, Drunk Answering!  

It just so happened that I happened to be enjoying the sweet nectar from Industrial Area (I’m surprised I can make still make rent) as I sat in The Box watching a funny movie with one of my girlfriends when a call came in from a strange number at around 2330hrs. I wasn’t drunk yet but I was quite a few hundred millilitres into the drink.

I picked up the cellphone in the sexiest tone I could muster:

Bella:   Yo!

Hot Voice: *In an American Accent* Hey Bella, what you doing?

Bella: Watching a movie and sipping Napps. Who’s this?

Hot Voice: I’m your biggest fan, I read your blog and you know me from fuck facebook.

*At this point my paranoia kicks in and I start to think it’s one of my ex girlfriends pranking me*

Bella: Bullshit, I know that’s you Hot Ex, stop playing.

Hot Voice: Who the fuck is Hot Ex, sounds like something I’d call a dish cleaner, this is not her!

*Just then a hotter voice on the phone*

Hotter Voice: Yo! Why are you being so mean and you’re so nice to me on facebook, commenting on all my pics.

*I figured at this point it should have hit me that it wasn’t a prank call but the liquor wouldn’t have me believe that.*

Bella: Yo! I know this is Hot Ex and I need to get back to my movie, so are yall gonna let me do that?

*crickets*

So the hot voice girls hang up and  I went on drinking while watching that movie “Fool’s Gold”. The next day when I was sober and my mind was clear, as soon as I logged in on facebook I knew exactly who the two girls were but alas it was too late as they had disconnected the number and left the country.

I was left feeling really sad because 1) I don’t go to clubs much where I would have definitely run into my favorite internets queens and 2) I was intoxicated on the sweet nectar from industrial area to the point that my paranoia was heightened.

That was my first real regret from drunk answering. The second when which led to a lot of bullshit drama I will save for my grave.

Pamoja!!!

Hip Hop: Greatest Therapy In The World!

“I mean after all the things that we’ve been through/ I mean after all the things we got into/ Hey yo I know of  some things you ain’t told me/ Hey yo I did some things but that’s the old me” – Kanye West

I may be a big Kanye West fan from back when he did the beats on the classic record that is Jay Z’s “Blueprint” but I am not a big fan of  808’s & Earaches Heartbreaks or at least I wasn’t until yesterday.

I first picked up this record because one of my friends told me that as much as Kanye wasn’t rapping on it and the fact that he sounds completely assinine doing the whole vocoder bit like T-Pain doesn’t meen it’s a horrible record if you check the lyrics. My friend was of the school of thought that this record was brutally honest when it comes to heartbreaks.

Now it just so happened that me and my babe broke up in Decemeber bu the reality of this break up didn’t really sink in until yesterday when she decided to cut off all ties with dear old Bella. As much as the break up was a result of both of us messing with someone else on the side I always felt it was more my fault as I am an incorrigible flirt.

I was feeling down and so I decided to do what I do when I’m feeling down, breakout a big bottle of brandy and get wasted. Then I rememebered my friend’s recommendation and put in 808’s and Heartbreaks and by God in no time I was feeling better I was relating to Kanye’s lyrics on most of the songs on that record.

I didn’t even need the alkahol! As much as sonically, 808’s and Earaches Heartbreaks may be horrible. Everybody goes through this and Kanye just made a record that will help heal a lot of wounds. To Babe, if you read this, I wish you only the best because you deserve it.

If you read this blog religiously thanks and bear in mind that every year I write one gay post and this may be the gayest since the KD* post and don’t expect another one. Since we’re all straight here check out these pics. I love bald headed women.

Pamoja!!!!

Pour Out A Little Liquor

“I pour some liquor for my shortie who ain’t here/ I’m from the ghetto so listen this is how I shed my tears” – Mr.Cheeks

Speaking of people that’s in my prayers, I was on the internets just now and stumbled on this great record Jadakiss & Faith Evans have done for the Notorious soundtrack and just had to post. This is a letter to B.I.G. but we can all relate to it.

We lost some people this year, friends lost kin and I just want those who did that read the blog to hold tight. Things get better with time and acceptance. On that note, some good hip hop to end the year.

Letter to B.I.G.

Pamoja!!!

Mazel Tov! It’s a celebration bitches!

“Open your eyes before you die” - some chick on a Immortal Technique record

I woke up feeling more positive than I have ever felt throughout the whole year. This is beside the fact that I woke up with cold sores the size of baseballs on my lips. This is very uncool because I am already a big lipped dude so I look like those blackface carricatures from back in the days. I wasn’t stressing it because nothing will ever beat how sucky the end of last year was for most Kenyans.

I am positive that the new year will be a lot better than the past year that saw a lot of businesses collapse, a lot of people lose their lives and a lot of people lose their livelihoods. As you go out to get high and celebrate the new year please bear in mind that there are people out there that are not as fortunate as you and I are. I have especially in my prayers the Palestinians in Gaza who are getting blown the fuck up on a daily basis.

I pray for those starving all over the continent and my buddies that have to figure out how to take care of their kids now that they have been rendered redundant. I pray that with the new year I can be part of a miracle that will bring change into an individual’s life. Don’t even trip and think that I am becoming the fake ass preachy magnificent Barrack Obama aka Super Nigga.

Otherwise here’s to the new year. Have a good one. Don’t drink in moderation and don’t drive. If you must drive, my nigga don’t touch a drop of Bella’s Nectar. I need to hear from yall next year.

Pamoja!!!!

You Ain’t Gettin Chips’d In 2009

“She said jigga man you rich take that doo rag off/ hit a u-turn ma i’m droppin you back off/ in front of the club like Jigga why you do that for/ Thug nigga till the end/ tell a friend bitch/ won’t change for no paper plus I’ve been rich.” -Jay Z

This weekend I found myself hanging with some new friends who were very intersting charachters. All we did for a couple of days was getting extremely sipped and chopping dimes. At least most of us. I was chopping the dimes this weekend just got my drink on and now I may be sick but its nothing a little OJ can’t cure.

Anyway we were discussing mad issues when the topic of Chipsing came up. Now to Chips someone is to pick up a girl from the club for a lay that night and it got touchy on what some of these girls, Chips Funga, are quite dodgy. This led to my new pal JK aka Jina Kubwa showing me the following note he posted on fuckbook facebook to quite some controversy.  

Disclaimer:ths note doesnt represent my views
1.If u you cant speak english. Me always asking you somethn in english n u reply in Swa wont be allowed.When ur palz u rhumbad wit call u askn where u r u reply in some hard sheng like”me niko aire morgan nilikwachuliwa na buyoz flani ubabini”

2.If u can speak English but u exposing how far from Nairobi uve lived o studied..i mean calling thursday dhazday is a no-no..calling wednesday wenesday instead o wensday is allowed even me i do that but dhazday. Then this people have a tendency to say my “siz” instead o my “sis”.Shows ur RUM RURAL URBAN MIGRATION bt cn also show if the babe z rich,u grwn up in a farmhse in outskirts limuru,kiambu,redhill,tigoni!

3.If you lookin langaish..u may not be a langa but u lookin langaish azin brown braids, mingi makeup,mingi cosmetics in ya purse,n a tattoo(langaz aford ths nwadays),..ethopians,somaliz ts a no-no coz 85% o dem in hurlingham who club r langaz n you wl only find em in redtape n black d coz Izoh in qz cn detect em too

4.If u know the whole universe..even if u r moto it irritates me..sana sana ths happens 2 nairobi dendais who r the slash type’/’ azin model wit clasic models/doing activation for novida,smirnoff/usher at bba eviction party n idols/failed at an advert audition/faild in wingu la moto n tahidi high auditions/tryd out ktns yu presenter reality auditions/doing a track wt jomino/student at daystar azn i hate those babes on the rhumba knws dem guys n babes..then rich guys who r bila game to kula dendais their own clas,have kulad ths type

5.if u never check if am strapped..after ave chomoad kiboko n uv jus spread uko nt cncerned if ave downloaded kaspersky antivirus or not it worries me coz u prolly been kulwad bassanga aka raw by other people n me i ogopa ukedi n al sorts o coughn diseases

6.if u extrmly fat..azn i like chubby bt xtrmly fat aka obese am sorry..am 2skinny n my role aint to raise self esteems.

7.if u feeling too smart i wont ng’ang’ana or fuatilia..ati pickd u up,went for drnks we sipped,hit the club then hapo u feeln clasy so i nunuad tequilas at 1st u nt too sure wt to do wt da salt or vn maybe u were on point n acted da part den i uliza u so leo wasup n u like i dnt do randoms…ok am easy n i lenga u stl wana hang out wt me hmetime stl wana go hme wt me…ati evn if ul gve it up al have to jitetea 4an hr n prv i penda u..u knw what in 2009 its never that serious..coz as sun as i pickd u up4drnks n we nt close frnds do u thnk was caln u coz i needed help cmpletn a sudoku puzzle.

8.u from south c!say what u wanna say but ave been robbed twice in the cox by dendais from south c..one my 3ngwaa the ada my ipod nano il even add TRUESTORY

9.u remove stupid comments like am codered…stupid the same way eustus cals courage stupid in the cartoon courage the cowardly dog..when u say u codered i tell u am blackstar n we dnt like codered so bounce..matatu to tao walk up the road youl c em cz evn my ngata ishad wn we arivd digz

10.cant chibo an alcoholic..in the morning tryna make me feel guilty n shit wt stuff like what happened to me..stupid when in reality u evn chuckd ya clad solo wt no help..pole if u cnt handle ya drink in 2009 not me No!

Sorry for the text message english that the main dude JK used but I’m too lazy to edit that shit for yall so decipher the message or blow me. Only then might I decide to do something about it. Otherwise good luck chipsing, as you can see from the lyrics above, not chipsing when you believe in it is alright.  

Pamoja!!!