The other day on the twitter I got into a conversation with one of my followers and he suggested that I bring Kuwa Serious to the twitter. To catch you up, Kuwa Serious was a feature I developed for one of my radio shows. Basically it involved me finding 3 or so stories in the news that displayed the stupidity that is humanity & taking a piss! Now that you know, I have decided to do a Kuwa Serious for Nairobi folks that’s kind of a fuck you to 2011 & all the best to 2012.

As you may or will soon discover, the only thing bigger than my ego is my genius…or do I mean penis? Oh, what the hell here goes. I give to you, the 10 rhyme commandments you should adhere to in 2012. Thanks B.I.G…..and God I guess.

Rhyme No.1: Cool is cool/ it doesn’t need a handle as a tool.

Why in the name of Avril’s mother’s union underwear do people think that they can use twitter as a cool pass? Just because you’re on a social network doesn’t make you cool or in any case better than anyone else. Fools get a twitter handle, talk a little smack, get a few retweets & start thinking they’re Mick Jagger! You aren’t, you’re still that sad person fronting behind a screen! < Did you see that! Genius. On to the next.

Rhyme No.2: It’s just twitter/ not the lemon, bitter!         

Can people stop catching gotdamn feelings over what someone else has said online? I mean, what the hell? I like joking & I can make fun about anybody or anything. Nothing’s private, No one’s sacred. If it offends you, get over it. Don’t be chanting all over the place like you’re about to unleash Armageddon. Shit. Did God die & made you…well, God ? I don’t want to mention names because you know these characters.

Rhyme No. 3: If you ain’t bout it/ don’t shout about it.

I always tell my man, people are sheep. It is for this exact reason that we have a bunch of dumb asses running this beautiful nation of ours. You know nothing yet you run around talking like you invented the shit! Don’t claim it if you ain’t name it. Can all these posers style up in 2012. Don’t come up to me when I’m talking about Muthoni The Drummer Queen’s new single & feel compelled to add, “I know! That mama has so much drama!” Like what the fuck? Really?

Rhyme No 4: Get it spend it/ own it don’t lend it!

It’s going to be election year in 2012. With that comes campaign money. Politcians will be riding around throwing more money at Kenyans the same way I feel compelled to throw money at a stripper. But I don’t. I’m cheap like that. Take the money they will give you, feed yourself, feed your kids, buy an iPhone, shit I don’t care. But when you cast your ballot use some gotdamn sense!

Rhyme No.5: Peek it, if you don’t speak it/ don’t tweak it!

Can we please speak English in 2012? I am tired of text messages that take 15 minutes to decipher & I still don’t comprehend it! What the hell is “Mrg. Thx gt t.”? Something to do with the mortuary & surround sound? Fuck it! If you can’t speak English leave it the fuck alone & speak in a language you’re fluent in!

Rhyme No.6: It’s played out/ let’s have it laid out!

I’ll be the first to admit it. When the leso dress came out, I loved it. I would have copped my girlfriend one had she not left me. Then all of a sudden, as is often the case with the Nairobi vagina owner, damn near all of them had one! I am sick & tired. Do yourself a favour cut that dress up & let’s sit on it at a picnic or something. It can still be useful. As for those shiny suits…just burn those!

Rhyme No.7: It’s an oil well/ not a wishing well!

Speaking of vagina owners. Girls, can you please stop mismanaging your vaginas! Why are girls giving it up to every Dick, Dick & Dick who flashes a glance in their direction? Is that their idea of women’s lib? To get as many penises as possible to peruse their vagina walls? God gives you great power when he bestows the vagina upon you, it’s precious. As Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility”. Stop that shit in 2012!

Rhyme No. 8: You’re our stars/ not aliens from Mars.

This is to our National soccer & rugby team! What in the name of Nameless’ receding hairline is going on guys? You’re supposed to be our pride & joy not our shame & despair. Style the hell up in 2012 & let’s see some wins! 2011 saw us lose the mothalovin Safaricom 7s! Damn.

Rhyme No. 9: YMCMB or MMG/ it’s initials not gospel to me.

Teenagers & rap fans with peculiar taste in music, can you stop acting as if everything that has the said initials is hot! I admit there are some hot records from these 2 camps. But most of the cats on these 2 labels just need to say the initials & have idiots jump up & down going ape shit like LPG prices just came down! What the fuck is a Gudda Gudda? Fail.

Rhyme No.10: More love/ less hate all glove!

Now that I got that off my chest, can we love one another? Like my current favorite female singer Nanjira says “There’s too much hate in the world”. Can we spread love? In 2012 let’s dead the beefing and start the loving. By the way, use a rubber! Don’t get caught out like me, some of these vagina owners are harvesting sperm to plant babies on this already overpopulated planet.

Let this be your guide, your map & dare I say it, your Bible as we roll out into 2012. Let’s Steve Jobs 2012! By that I don’t mean get cancer & die…though you probably will. What I mean by Let’s Steve Jobs 2012 is let’s win in 2012!

Pamoja!!!!

This past weekend, my girl accorded me the lovely honor of being my date to 31^st Edition of Blankets & Wine otherwise known to me as B & Dub. The main reason I was excited was because technically it would be our 1^st date. The other reason was because an artist I consider a god amongst mortals, Eric Wainaina was set to perform a few songs off of Love + Protest, his spectacular new album.

This post however isn’t about music. It’s about women. Seeing as I wanted to enjoy the music & my lovely companion to the fullest I decided not to drink too much whiskey. I was in moderation mode which left most of my acquaintances in awe, as never before has the Jesus Juice played the backseat for one of my dates. This sobriety resulted in a lot of observation on my part especially with relation to the bearers of vagina i.e. women.

In our beautiful city of Nairobi there are as many vagina owners as there are Toyotas. However, after careful bird watching, if you will, I have characterized & grouped the female of the species into the following major clubs:

The Phat Girls Club aka The PGC

These vagina bearers will be in a pack of between 4 to 5 girls, each of whom makes the needle on the weighing scale tip to the extreme right when they get on it. There will always be 1 skinny girl in their midst. One theory for this may be that the skinny girl wants to make herself look good to the hovering vultures aka Team Mafisi. The other theory is that The PGC wants to throw outsiders off the scent that the real reason they all hang out together is to hate on skinny bitches (not my words). One thing about The PGC is that they are always strikingly beautiful face wise, are usually uber intelligent & actually come to the B & Dub for the music.

The Posers Club aka The PSC

These are the vagina bearers that I dislike. As the name suggests these girls are nothing but posers! These are the girls who you will see wearing the biggest hats & some African print/ leso attire with a dolled up face. Dolled up is an understatement, The PSC come through with faces covered in war paint & trust me, war paint it is because they come ready for battle. The PSC comes to B & Dub to fight for the penis of some uppity ass new/ old money yuppie dumb enough to believe the hype. A sharp penis bearer such as myself has probed deeper to realize, they know nothing about the music, the artists, the uppity lifestyle they’re trying to portray or even the drink in their hand! These are the ones who think Single Malt is a beer & Rosé is pronounced Rose. One thing though, they’re always very attractive.

The White Girls Club aka The WGC

These are as the name suggests the Caucasian vagina owners. They usually don’t dress up, come through with a picnic basket full of goodies accompanied by their white boys who proceed to take their tops off & bask in the African sun. They are really hilarious to watch dance & if you can show them a move or two, chances are high that you can hit that. Trust me, I speak from experience. All you need is to make sure you’re wearing beads of some sort & know at least 1 song in Swahili or any other native language. They are good fun but I’m lactose intolerant, just black coffee no sugar, no cream.

The Uptown Girls Club aka The UGC

When I say uptown I don’t mean Harlem or the dancehall station. I’m talking vagina owners who reside in the leafy burbs! The girls who live the uppity lifestyle from breathing uppity air, sipping uppity drinks, dining at uppity restaurants to stroking that uppity penis! Most of The UGC come from old money. A typical member of The UGC’s last name can be found in your Form IV history books (that’s for my 8-4-4 niggaz…if there are any who read this genius blog). They fall into 2 categories: UGC Drama & UGC Lost. UGC Drama will raise hell in an instant over the littlest shit coz they think know they own Kenya. UGC Lost have emotional issues & find poverty romantic. If you’re a broke nigga, Christmas comes early!

The Aspirational Girls Club aka The AGC

I love these vagina bearers. These are the vagina owners who work hard every day to make a better life for themselves and their children if they have any. They typically have middle class backgrounds but have made it to middle level or even top level management in Corporate Kenya. They are usually genuinely interested in the arts coz they figure this is what uppity ass people do with their free time right? Or someone, usually a boyfriend put them on. They want to be in the society pages they perused as teens, they want to be noticed & dare I say it, they want to be famous. They are often very aggressive & call it a girl’s day out when actually no man wants to be caught dead near them lest his penis gets chopped off for looking at another woman.

The Society Girls Club aka The SGC

These aren’t as the name suggests the elite. These are the furniture. They are at every party & event you will ever attend. No matter the day, No matter the time. Some may be event organizers but mostly they’re the girlfriends/ side pieces/ wives of entertainers, athletes & rich old men. If you don’t think Kenya can produce a “reality show” like Basketball Wives, I am ready to unleash “Rich Old Men Side Pieces”. They are the girls who will want to be in every picture & will randomly strike a pose at the sight of a camera flash!

The Groupie Girls Club aka The GGC

Last but definitely not least, right? The GGC aka The Groupie Girls Club as the name suggests are the groupies! They want to be around famous penises & vaginas. They may not even necessarily want to fuck but just to be kind of famous by association. You will always find them perched on a blanket where an artist, media personality or politician’s son is sipping. I know right? When did being a politician’s son qualify you to get groupies? I work hard on this blog for my groupies! I digress. The GGC are always good fun as they massage egos however when they get greedy with the Black Grouse the ensuing embarrassment is often catastrophic.

These are the observations I made at some of the lovely vagina bearers who came through for what can be described as one of the most epic editions of B & Dub since its inception. Eric Wainaina killed it & buried it so deep that Liquideep couldn’t find it to kill it again. Liquideep were rubbish performers but then again, they’re new to this & can only get better right?

Here’s the song that reminds me of how my 1st date ended. Liquideep with Alone. Shut the fuck up & listen to the lyrics before drawing conclusions!

Liquideep – Alone

Pamoja!!!

How can I say this/ Fuck it I’m the greatest – Common

The Dreamer ft Maya Angelou

Com kicks off the album with some braggado rhymes. Quotable: Trying to fuck the world, she only let me finger. The beat is so soulful reminding me of Dilla. Of course No I.D. can channel Dilla when he pleases. Common even does that weird “thicki thicki thick thack I thack” thing he did on the Dilla produced Grammy nominated “The Light.” Maya does her spoken word thing about dreams & ancestors.

Ghetto Dreams ft Nas

This was the one that came out 1^st. Common & Nas talk about their ghetto dream girl. Huh? These are 2 rich niggaz talking about ghetto chicks? Oh wait. It’s a ghetto nigga’s dreams. Well at least Nas married 2 ghetto girls Carmen & that mullato Kelis. This guy is the epitome of fail when it comes to picking women. The beat bangs something ridiculous. I approve this.  Quotable: Call me a pro in the pussy category. Really Nas? Really?

Blue Sky ft Makeba Riddick

The one with white people in the video. I love this sound. The rhyming is top notch stuff. The jam for everyone chasing a dream. This song keeps you going through the struggle till you get to your sky where you’ll find your light & shine. Quotable: Aston Martin King Luther with dreams/ a young Denzel the way I move through scenes.

Sweet

Common attacks an imaginary young ass disrespectful singing rapper. No names are called out but we all know these kids singing like they’re Sinatra. Drake, Wiz, Sean, Cole, the list is endless. Quotable: I rap for the commoners/ my name is synonymous with prominence/ I’m to rap what Obama is to politics. The vocal sample on the hook sounds like his ex-girl Erykah Badu but it’s actually Doris & Kelly. That would have been weird if it was Erykah.

Gold ft James Fauntleroy II

The beat has a serious bounce. My head is nodding even before dude rhymes. Shit. I think this is Common’s coming of fame record. Just like Hov realized he can no longer go back to the block after 100mil Common has to speak on being a big azz star, he’s no longer that conscious kid with a retrospect for life. I like. The lyrics are forgettable though & who is this James kid with a weird second name?

Lovin I lost ft James Fauntleroy II

I would have sworn that’s a popular sample on this. The way No I.D has chopped this I can’t tell. It’s real soulful. Com talks about lost love. Is he talking about Erykah like 3 Stacks used to. I had to listen to this again. It makes me think of this 1 girl I loved when I was young. Wsup Kui! Quotable: Now that we ain’t together/ Is this our new forever.

Raw (How You Like It)

I hope this is about unprotected sex. I think it is. He’s talking about meeting some girls in the club & loving the behind. I can’t make out what the chick singing is saying. Oh, if you like Common’s conscious side, you won’t like this. Shit is tight but then he starts to rap-sing like Mos Def, I mean Yasiin Bey. I’m confused. This can be a single.

Cloth ft James Fauntleroy II

Damn! I love No I.D.’s kick drums. James is back on this. Is he related to No I.D. or is he Com’s weed carrier. He’s flipping that phrase “cut from the same cloth”. It’s a desperate love song this one. I don’t care for it. Not saying that its bad, but dude tells the chick let’s have some cubs. Really Com? Really? Quotable: It’s 2 things/ that seems to hold us together/ God is our tailor & Forever.

Celebrate ft James Fauntleroy II

I love this. This is the perfect record for any party. A braai, a weed session, a sip down, a kiddie party, this is the anthem. James the weed carrier on the hook sounding like Joe (I bet the kids don’t know who Joe is. Fuck my life.) He says “this raw bitch comes in”. Could this be what he means in the other song? Raw?

Windows

Great strings on the intro but then James the weed carrier starts singing again. He’s flipping that phrase “the eyes are the window to the soul.” What is this? Literature class? SMH. No I.D. channels Kanye West for this. I like it. Common is an expert at rhyming from a chick’s perspective. Weird.

The Believer ft John Legend

No I.D. channels Kanye West again. This is conscious Common. The weed carrier didn’t sing this hook. John Legend instead bodies it. Quotable: Destiny’s children/ survivors soldiers/ In front of buildings they eyes look older/ hard to see blessings in a violent culture.

Pop’s Belief ft Lonnie “Pops” Lynn

The one thing that remains common about Common’s albums with the exception of “Can I borrow a dollar”, “Electric Circus” & “Universal Mind Control” which if you think about it, were quite un-Common, all pun intended. His father always does this spoken word thing at the end. Dope as always.

I love that Common got No I.D. for production on this. The beats are fresh yet the sound is still reminiscent of their other great collaboration, the classic “Resurrection”. This isn’t an album for fans who want Common’s old shit. If you want that, buy the old album. Common is a star, who’s achieved his dreams & wants you to do the same. Dream & Believe. Believe & Dream. I know I will.

Favorites: Sweet, Blue Sky, Lovin I lost,  Celebrate, Windows & The Believer.

Pamoja!!!

Revolution Time.

This one is all piano. I like the girl doing the background. According to the credits on my autographed CD its Noni Mburu. I think I might be in love. This song however is a very dull start even though it sets the theme of the album.

Sing Mercy.

It features the London Adventist Chorale. I love it from the jump off! The guitar is absolutely fabulous! Tim Rimbui produced this & it’s incredible. This is that dance with your girl rocking her headwrap & leso dress at Blankets & Wine type music.

Marianna.

This may be my favorite record on the album. Eric sings a strugglers’ anthem for all the young hustlers who want to make a better life for the ones they love. I am crying as I type this. I remember I lost a girlfriend who left me coz I didn’t have any money.  Nanjira on background. My future wife.

Other People’s Lives.

The guitar reminds me of Asa’s Jailer. Eric wrote & produced this. He speaks about the fake lives that most yuppies live. Twitter tells you who’s cool. The tabloids tell you who’s famous & the media basically tells you how to live. Wake up people! Live your life. Eric does that weird singing like an instrument thing at the end.

The Road.

This one features Senegal’s Baaba Maal. They use African’s way of giving directions. Take the corner after Mama Joe’s, turn left after you cross the road, go past the old woman selling mangoes. Oh! I’m actually dancing at the plantation as I play this!

Orutu Special.

Whoa! When Eric starts singing I think he’s speaking to me coz he says I don’t mind reggae, ragga & soca! All the music I used to play on radio. This is feel good music to just bounce to while you smoke your ganja or sip your whiskey. Nanjira again. She’s the lead singer in Ma3 band.

Selina.

I knew a girl called Selina back in Uni. This makes me think of her. This is a record against violence against women. If you raise your hand to a woman you are a bigger coward than a Tupac fan at a Biggie concert! Or a AFC fan at Club Kuche Kuche. Haija! This song has a climax like a lingala song.

Baby Don’t Go.

This makes me think of the troops fighting in Somalia. I see these soldiers coming to the hospital wounded. My prayers go out to them. This song made me cry. The sad thing is that people join the army for a better life but some get a worse death.

Rain On You.

Is this nigga gonna sing acapella? Wait the piano just came on. I think this song is about a revolution. This is kind of boring. I like the message but it sucks. Neema sings background on this, maybe that’s the reason I don’t like it. I can’t stand that chick!

Isn’t It Funny.

Atemi plays the background. This sounds like Oliver Mtukudzi which is very cool! Is Eric singing about his debacle with Sheba & what’s her name? That singing chick from the reality show that he got pregnant…..Valerie Kimani. I’m just saying. I like this tune but it’s weird!

(Set The World) On Fire.

He does that thing where an artist gives a song 2 names i.e. (Set the world) On Fire. This song would sound great live. My future wife Nanjira sings background on this. Sema fantastic? There’s no justice in Nairobi. I agree. She should be my wife already.

Fancy Car.

This makes me so angry. This is the revolution! I think Eric should have had this as track 1. DJ Moz scratches on this. Does he want to be Kenya’s DJ Preemo? Epic Fail. Tim Rimbui should have done the cuts. Enovator knows his shit. Great record though.

Hii Ngoma (Twist).

He did the artist 2 name thing again. Wow! You can actually twist to this. It gets a bit monotonous toward the end though.

Tabasamu.

Bonus Track. Whoa! Eric does a cover of my favorite Mercy Myra record. What the fuck? It’s incredible, he gave the song beats. I only wish Mercy would have been around to record this as a duet.

I love this. With the exception of Rain on you, I wouldn’t skip any record on this album. Well done Eric. I only hope that he’ll be coming through for Blankets & Wine the coming weekend so that he can perform some of these records live. In case you were wondering, the artwork for the album was shot in Ngara, how gangsta is that?

By the way this picture is an alternative back cover with the songs arranged different vis-a-vis my autographed CD. I have to make that clear. Signed by the living legend himself.

You can follow Eric on the twitter @EricWainaina & peep his site by going to www.thatguyfromkenya.com

Pamoja!!!

I’ve got this buddy called Mani. Mani is your regular well to do yuppie, mad fun to hang with but he is also the ultimate definition of going Hollywood. What do I mean? I mean that he done came up! He’s been successful & so he’s upgraded his lifestyle. One of the things that I found amusing about Mani is that the jaluo in him won’t let what we term as “Bottom shelf whisky” touch his gullet.

There is nothing wrong with upgrading because as Hov said “Niggaz don’t be mad coz it’s all about progression” and he should know. Dude went from banging Foxy to Superhead & now ultimately Beyonce. Hov upgraded from Bottom Shelf Vagina i.e. Foxy Brown to Top Shelf Vagina i.e. Beyonce. Let’s talk a bit about that now, what is Bottom & Top Shelf Vagina.

For vagina to be considered Bottom Shelf the bearer of said vagina will possess these key characteristics:

• Her reading material of choice is The Pulse.
• Her music of choice is dancehall. Now don’t get it twisted I love dancehall but if you come through the crib & press play on my V6 riddim CD, I’m looking at you sideways.
• Her favorite haunts are Maggies, Winkers, Bettyz, Tacoz & Heartz. Yo! Don’t get it twisted I drink at Kwa Mark in Kijiji but if your idea of a good time is the two of us at any of these fine establishments your vagina is bottom shelf.
• She’s great for a booty call when the horniness demon strikes but she’s never been invited to a drink up with your friends leave alone a family function.
• She’s a poser. Let me give you an example, she’ll say she likes rock music but doesn’t know who Coldplay is, she’ll claim to live in Karen then you’ll spot her at Muthurwa catching a jav to Eastlands after the rave.
• She dresses like a video vixen. Bottom shelf vagina owners copy trends from music video. This is an epic fail because video vixens are meant to look like prostitutes.

That is all for the Bottom Shelf Vagina. Feel free to add your own take in the comments section below. Let’s move to Top Shelf Vagina. This is that rare, valuable, hard to get your hands on type of vagina. The bearer of said vagina possesses the following key characteristics.

• Her reading material of choice is Leo Tolstoy, Lesley Downer, George Elliot, Vladimir Nabokov etc. You get the gist, she reads novels. I once encountered some top shelf vagina whose bearer was reading Labyrinths by Jorge Luis Borges!
• Her music of choice is nu-soul, jazz, and hip hop soul, you know, the likes of Foreign Exchange, Little Brother, Common. Basically, this girl loves Soulful music.
• Her favorite haunts are Art Caffe, Pots & Palms, Mercury, Sierra, Brew Bistro, Don’t get it twisted she can downgrade for a loose drink at the Motowns & Motor Sports but her choice would rather be the ambience of any of the Sierras. Shout out to Ozzbeco.
• Her abode no matter how humble will be immaculate décor wise. Top shelf vagina owners have style and it shows not only in their choice of wardrobe but living quarters as well.
• She’s fashionable. Top shelf vagina owners have style & if she apes anything it will be the trends from the runway during the latest fashion week or what the stars rock on the red carpet.

And with that I conclude today’s lesson on what is Bottom Shelf & Top Shelf Vagina. Which one are you? Better yet which one is your girl?

Update: As Praka pointed out in the comments how could I fail to mention what drinks that the lovely vagina bearers consume! Here we go.

Bottom Shelf vagina owners tend to consume Smirnoff Ice, Redds & Tusker Malt. I think someone somewhere lied to them that this is what girls drink and they followed. Remember she is a follower, never a leader.

Top Shelf vagina owners on the other hand may have the occasional Smirnoff Ice but her poison of choice is normally a cocktail preferably a Daiquiri, a Pink Lady, a Shirley Temple or just straight up G&T!

Pamoja!!!

It’s been a minute since I wrote anything remotely related to my life so I figured what the fuck; let me catch you up on what’s going on. As you may know from following this blog that my life is anything but ordinary. This year has been full of drama like a soap opera with me in the lead role and a cohort of featured & recurring characters.

The year began with my dismissal from my radio gig. I was supposed to rise from those ashes like the Phoenix but when I was created they forgot to attach the manual on how I should go about that. I went through some things after that of course. It’s amazing what you mind conceives when you’re unemployed. I had all this time to think and evaluate my life and eventually had a renaissance of sorts!

Let me break it down. There is the all too common phrase in Nairobi that goes, “It’s never that serious.” I have turned it into an acronym that I commonly use on the twitter; INTS! I had never really looked at this phrase carefully until that fateful day in March. The day began when I hit the studio and recorded about 5 voice demos.  The studio was boring and so I headed out and sent some marketing job applications.

At the time I was living in this neighbourhood that had an off licence run by this gorgeous Rwandese lady and her hubby. It doubled up as a shop and so I popped over to buy some toilet paper but came out with a couple of bottles of the Jesus Juice!

When I got back to the crib I threw in one of my MP3 mixtapes, cracked open the Jesus Juice and began writing. After about half an hour nothing came to mind but one phrase; it’s never that serious! I decided to write it down as I rapped along to Pusha T’s freestyle on Funkmaster Flex.

As I laughed at the rhymes “Help my young bitch see her way through her bachelors/ while my old bitch went back to get her masters/ same graduation I was clappin in the rafters/ the truth hurts/ everytime it’s revealed/ what goes around comes around/ this is life’s ferris wheel/” it dawned on me. It was something akin to that moment of clarity that alcoholics experience. At that moment the Jesus Juice opened my mind’s eye the same way Jesus told the cripple to roll up (all pun intended) his mat and walk! I realized that no matter your situation, it is never that serious! Not even death!

Life is a cycle and everything happens for a reason & a season. We in Africa say it best, No situation is permanent! The best you can do in life is to appreciate every day, as this is the most precious gift we receive as human beings. In the words of the great Eminem, “Enough with the pissin n moanin/ whinin & bitchin”! There’s no time for that! If you’re having a shitty day, turn it around. There is always a plus; you just have to locate it.

Quit with the bogged down status updates on the facebook and depressing your followers on the twitter! A smile will attract a dozen more and soon the whole world will be smiling with you. These were all revelations that appeared to me that day in March in a small flat in Jamhuri courtesy of 2 bottles of Kenya’s finest Jesus Juice. I now share it with you because you know I’m all about spreading that love!

I leave you with a quotable rhyme from DMX, “We all got a star all we gotta do is find it/ and once you do/ everyone who sees it will be blinded”!

Grab that star, let it be the sunshine in your life. I’ve got mine in the palm of my hand & it’s dripping love, peace & joy! Enjoy your life today!

Pamoja!!!

If you know me well then you know that I live on the twitter. The past week I engaged in a discussion about the greatest rap group of  all time. I come from the school of hip hop that believes that if it isn’t Wu-Tang it isn’t hip hop! However I decided to dig in the crates last night as I sipped my Geezus Juice & discovered quite a few dope rap groups!

Now before you tear me apart some of the groups in my list are 1 time collaborators & rapper/ producer collaboz! So, without further ado, let’s go in!

20. Main Source: This group consisted of 2 wack ass Canadian DJs and the almighty Large Professor! Large Pro is the guy who produced “Life’s a bitch” on Nas’s monster album “Illmatic” which gave us AZ’s best verse & in essence the best verse on that album! Breaking Atoms was a classic but the group split up when Large Professor went solo!

Here’s the classic “Fakin the funk” which inspired Kanye West to become the great rap producer he is today.

19. SlaughterHouse: This group consists of Royce Da 5’9, Crooked I, Joell Ortiz & Joe Budden. 2 of my favorite rappers make up this group but they’re at number 19 coz I think they can do better! The SlaughterHouse EP was dope but maybe being signed to Eminem’s Shady Records will yield some classic shit! Let’s wait & see.

Here’s one of their illest tunes but featuring Ludacris. Joell BODIED this beat!

18. Slum Village: This group must be the rap group with the most drama! That’s what happens with creatives though. J Dilla, one of the illest producers ever! The man who created the sound of Neo-Soul was a part of this group at 1 time. Then there was Baatin who lost his mind thanks to a bipolar disorder & schizophrenia. They both died. T3 & Elzhi still hold it down though, but I heard Elzhi wants out as well! Damn!

Here’s my favorite SV tune Tainted Love. No…not the rock song! 

17. BlackStar: Again to the uninitiated this group consisted of Mos Def & Talib Kweli. This is a supergroup! Mos Def didn’t even have an album out when he & Kweli dropped the classic “Mos Def & Kweli are BlackStar”. There’s a rumour that they’re working on another album to come out this year but it reeks of Detox if you ask me!

Here’s the jam they did that made me date Mo back in 99! Brown Skin Lady!

16. Das EFX: If anyone ever tells you that they’re a fan of Kenya’s KalaMashaka & they’ve never listened to this group then they’re a mothalovin liar! Das EFX are the reason K-Shaka had dreads, used to rap with the hiss sound like they were smoking Kush in the studio & used to say they came from the sewer!

Das EFX were dope but fizzled out when they switched their style thanks to biters like IllAlSkratch! I still bump “Dead Serious” & “Hold it down” when my music system feels like it! Here’s the classic “Real Hip Hop” from “Hold it down”.

15. D.I.TC: Yet again to the unitiated and the young, this was a super group! This is where I discovered Fat Joe. Believe it or not he was pretty dope back then! The group consisted of Lord Finesse, AG, Showbiz, Buckwild, Fat Joe, O.C. & Diamond D. This crew had beats & rhymes on lock! Buck went on to create one of my favorite albums & O.C. recorded one of my favorite rap songs “My world”. 

Here’s D.I.T.C. with Big Pun & KRS! Puns sounded like he was gonna die after his verse! Damn!

14. EPMD: This group made it onto the list coz of the influence they had on hip hop. Personally, I never fucked with EPMD that much. Anyway here goes. One of their more memorable jams You gots to chill!

13. DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince: This guy! This fuckin guy! I mean both of them by the way. DJ Jazzy Jeff is one of the illest producers & DJs I have ever had the pleasure to listen to! The Fresh Prince is one of the 1st rappers I fell in love with! No homo! Together they recorded a classic, apart, they suck more balls than my neighbourhood prostitute!

We will always have “He’s the DJ, I’m the rapper”. From that album sample “Brand New Funk”. I’m not gonna post summertime like every other loser! I’m sophisticated!

12. UGK: I’m a hip hop head but I only discovered this group coz of Jay-Z. Hov featured this group on his classic pimp anthem, “Big Pimpin”. Forgive me Hov but Bun B bodied you on that jam! I think that was the only time Hov has ever been murdered on his own shit!

The group died coz..well….Pimp C died. Yesterday was declared Bun B day in Houston so cheers to him! Here’s the classic “Pocket full of stones” that Wayne & Birdman jacked for “I sold my 1st key”.

11. RedmanMethodman: These 2 are like Beavis & Butthead! They were made for each other. The classic Blackout album proved this Wu-Tang Member & Def Squad Member could create great hip hop records in between Meth’s heavy drinking & Red’s Kush habit!

Here’s the classic How High!

10. De la Soul: My God! How far back do I & De La go back? I remember listening to “Me myself & I” on 3 feet High & rising when I was 11 years old on Lwanga’s Walkman! Gotdamn! This group created classics! They were hip hop’s hippies! Together with ATCQ  they formed Native Tongues! Need I say more?

Here’s my favorite De La jam that featured mad rap cameos in the video! Look out for The Lords in the Cafeteria. By the way…rumour has it a new De La Soul is in the works!

9. Lords of the Underground: Wow! Mr. Funke & Do It All really did do it all. This crew combined hardcore, funk & soul to create the unique sound that was L.O.U! I remember kissing my 1st girlfriend when I was 12 to “Funky child” then hearing the same song years later on the movie “Boiler Room” when Seth starts working at the firm!

Here’s the jam that made them true Lords though, Chief Rocka!

8. Lost Boyz: Of course who can forget the dreadlocked boys from Queens! I used to think all Queens niggaz were good looking (See Nas, AZ, Jam Master Jay) till I saw these dudes! No homo! The music was grimy but you could dance to it! Of course things fell apart when Tah died & Spigg Nice got locked up!

The music is still with us! Legal Drug Money is a classic & Love Peace & Nappiness sampled Slick Rick well! Here’s the classic Renee that reminds me of one of my favorite girls who passed to cancer 8 years ago.

7. Pete Rock & CL Smooth: If you have never listened to these guys’ music you need to get to your nearest Mediafire link & download it. If you’re like me who buys music get to iTunes and cop “Mecca & The Soul Brother”. I can honestly say that this album changed my life & made me appreciate soul samples in hip hop vis-a-vis the heavy synths prevalent at the time thanks to Dr. Dre & the west coast.

They barely spoke after 95 but rumour has it that a new album is in the works! I would jizz my pants if they realeased that! Here’s my favorite rap song T.R.O.Y.

6. Mobb Deep: When Dr. Dre samples your beat/ makes a beat that sounds like yours and you have the most sampled lines in hip hop then you know you’re a super group! Dr. Dre’s “Housewife” sounds ridiculously like it was inspired by Mobb Deep’s “U.S.A” & even super conscious Common sampled Prodigy’s lines on “Allustrious”.

5. GangStarr: This has to be one of the most consistent groups in hip hop. Even the number 1 group in my list has never been this consistent. Gangstarr gave us dope album after dope album! From “No more Mr. Nice Guy” to “The Ownerz” all 6 albums were dope!

Of course the group was already on the rocks but it officially died when…well..GURU died.

Here’s a record written so good that DJ Premier sampled the lyrics for “Right where you stand” Gangstarr with “Moment of Truth”!

4. The Roots: The only reason this group isn’t number 3 is because the other rapper in the clique isn’t on every album. I’m talking about Malik B. This group has the world’s best drummer…after Davy Grohl of The Foo Fighters & formerly Nirvana of course! Questlove!

Black Thought, the rapper, manipulates words like gymnasts or strippers for that matter, do their bodies. Malik B can take you to the dungeons of addiction with one bar & The Roots as a whole are the only band in hip hop! Need I say more!

Here’s the joint where they called out all rappers!

3. A Tribe Called Quest: These 3 guys! These 3 talented guys! They created music that made me fall in love with hip hop! Ali Shaheed Muhammed & Q-Tip together with Dilla unknowingly created the sound that is now referred to as Nu-Soul/ Neo-Soul! If I were the type to have kids I’d play them “Midnight Mauraders” all day!

The group split after Q-Tip got sober & Phife demanded more time on the mic! Here’s their sickest tune in my books!  

2. OutKast: The list wouldn’t be complete without Big Boi & Andre 3K! These 2 complement each other well coz they both have their own distinct flows! I hated & loved that their last album was each on their own. As much as I appreciated Speakerboxx/ The Love Below, I want another Stankonia, another Aquemini, another ATLiens!

Hopefully Andre3K might get his shit together & smack some sense into Big Boi whose busy getting busted with Viagra! The classic tune ATLiens!

1. Wu-Tang Clan: There will never be a rap group as large and as powerful as the Wu-Tang Clan! 9 original members, each with their own persona, their own flow & they all combined like Voltron to create great hip hop! Here’s to The Abbot aka RZA, GZA, Method Man, U-God, Raekwon, O.D.B, Inspektah Deck, Masta Killa & the illest Ghostface Killah!

The group’s last couple of albums haven’t been great but hey, they all have egos now. Here’s the classic off the album that made O.D.B storm the stage at the Grammys!

Pamoja!!!!

I am a lover of music. All genres of music. I’ll listen to it if it sounds good to my ear even when I don’t understand the language. That’s just how beautiful, dynamic & universal music is to me. However I RARELY listen to country music. This morning I stumbled upon this song called “If I die young”.

This song won the Grammy this year for best country song and is by The Band Perry. If you’d like a listen, find it below.

If I die young – The Band Perry. 

This got me thinking. What would the world be like without music. It would obviously be a horrible place where we would all be in a rush to die young and this is why:

1. What would the gotdamn strippers dance to? Nothing makes for a good lap dance than some T-Pain “Make that booty work” coming through the speakers. Can you imagine a stripper rubbing her not so safe privates on your person to the sound of bottles clinking & murmurs from other patrons?

2. All movies would be like “No Country For Old Men”. The only movie I ever watched that had no music accompanying it. It was weird even though it worked surprisingly well for the film. But can you imagine “Pretty Woman” without the classic soundtrack? Transformers which is a shitty movie would be even shittier minus the music.

3. There would be no rappers! Tupac would be alive, working as an actor but Jay-Z & Notorious B.I.G would probably be dead or in prison. Twitter would suck without 50 Cent & Joe Budden. However, Drake would still be acting which I think is a good thing…right?

4. Maqbul would probably be the Kenya’s favorite presenter. Why? Maqbul has the peculiar penchant to sing when he talks. No? Maybe it’s just me then. In a world without music people would all listen to him to talk in this manner that sounds almost melodic. How would they know melody? *Kanye shrug*

5. Rockstars wouldn’t exist. The 27 Club would never have come to fruition coz Kurt Cobain would have died earlier, so would have Janis Joplin & Amy Winehouse. Jim Morrison might have lived longer & become the 20th Century Edgar Allan Poe.

6. DJs would have regular jobs. I can just imagine probably they’d work as cooks in restaurants spinning the Chapati or at Nakumatt digging in the crates to stock up the shelves! I know…I know…laaaaaaaaaaame!!!! I find it funny though.

Of course there’s plenty more unpleasant things about a world with no music but that’s all I’ve got time for right now. I need to go back to working like a Hebrew slave building the pyramids.

Here’s a great song! The best song ever! Helena Beat by Foster The People.

Pamoja!!!

*PSA* Click on the links for the songs & twitter handles. Thanks.

The most hyped album of 2012 finally made its way into the ears of every music lover & their mother and its audio crack to some but to others, its absolute rubbish!

As I listened to Watch The Throne with the rest of the world, it drew my attention to the striking difference between Old Man Rap (OMR) & Young Man Rap (YMR)! First off let me break down what each term means just to put you up on game. What follows are the characteristics of YMR:

1. Thumping beats. I’m talking knocking pictures of the wall, car alarm setting off, super 808 heavy beats! Examples are Hard in the paint by my man Waka Flocka & 9Piece by the obese law enforcer Rick Ross. These joints are usually best produced by Lex Luger, Southside, Zaythoven & The Runners.

2. Fantastic rhymes. By fanatastic I do not mean clever rhymes with superb delivery but rather rhymes that are pure fantasy bordering on the ridiculous. This characteristic makes YMR quite entertaining. Tell me you didn’t enjoy it when Rick Ross said on the fantastic John Doe “Ugh/ I just parked the caddy in the living room”. I would love to do some shit like that, wouldn’t you? Shit, I want to sleep with Sanaa Lathan in a room full of money out in London as she screams!

3. Tech Savvy. YMR is very tech savvy from the lyrics to production. Let me explain. Their lyrics will always mention iPhones, twitter, iPad, Wii, blogs, basically anything that has to do with the digital age. Rick Ross who I must say is the King of YMR  spits “I’m sellin dope straight off the iPhone” on 9Piece. Fabolous rhymes real nice on Motivation “I follow what you sayin/ you ain’t got to twitter shit”. Woe unto you if you aren’t familiar! The production also features autotune, space sounds & all sorts of weird special effects, the shit is like a movie! Fire flame indeed!

4. Singing. The one thing I absolutely cannot stand in my rap music is when the rapper starts singing. What are r&b singers for fellaz? I could stand Ja Rule then 50 Cent started singing & finally came along that girl Drake! This kid is solely to blame f0r J Cole singing, Big Sean & even Lil Wayne singing like a bunch of kindergarten girls playing Ring a Ring o roses! Drake threatens you while singing & harmonising shit & you’re supposed to take it seriously? 

With that said, here are the characteristics of OMR:

1. Sample heavy beats. OMR keeps it old school using samples that are outrageously rare to find. The likely culprits in this kind of production are Kanye West, DJ Premier, Pete Rock & 9th Wonder.

2. Thematically Dark. I don’t know what it is about OMR but the theme is usually dark and ominous. Even the OMR songs that are about having fun must have some darkness. Take for example Naughty by Nature’s Feel me flow. Treach just had to say “Coming from the town of Illy & alleys/ are full of phillies & rallys suckers get/ silly as Sally then found in alleys/ I’m rowdy really/”. One minute we were dancing the next minute we’re killing dudes?

3. Intricate flows & heavy lyrics. OMR doesn’t go the easy nursery rhyme way of its counterpart YMR. It’s almost as if the harder it is to write & deliver that rhyme the better it sounds.  On Nasty, Nas rhymes “Any rebuttal to what I utter get box-cuttered/ Count how many bad honeys I slut/ it’s a high number/Name a nigga under the same sky that I’m under/ Who gets money, remain fly, yeah, I wonder” This shit is damn near a tongue twister!

4. Skits & Interludes. OMR albums will always contain skits that are usually humorous or at least interludes. The interludes are usually throw away beats like Dilla, Pete Rock & Black Milk are accustomed to doing on their albums. YMR always lacks this, its alm0st as if the label tells these kids its a waste of studio time and beats, that cost more than all their fantasy cars put together, in today’s rough economy!

Why did I take time out to write this? The Throne has tried to blend the two, OMR & YMR with surprising results. Jay-Z sounds odd on the space like “Lift Off” and Ye fades away on Hit Boy’s banging beat on “Niggaz in Paris”. Dude doesn’t even say “Crazy” he says “Cray” which comes off  as an attempt to sound cool.

They manage to ride RZA’s beat real well to give us the dope ass “New Day” & “Welcome to the jungle” produced by Swizz Beatz. The fantastic rhymes are all over this album just take your pick, even the King of YMR, Rick Ross would have never said he’s planking on a million!

Conclusion is that Watch The Throne is a win for both lovers of Old Man Rap & Young Man Rap. It also made me realise that the future is upon us & there will be a new King of rap if & when YMR completely takes over. That King is this kid Meek Mill, check out I’m a boss! This jam knocks like a muhfugga! When the kid spits I can’t help but think of Jay-Z back in 1996!

If you like OMR you can always listen to Nick who plays that Golden Age rap every night on Hot 96. If YMR is your kind of bag most def the queen Corine plays that on HBR 915 every night. If you’re into new school OMR then the Cypher is what you need to rock to on Capital FM Saturday evening & Hits Not Homework on Wednesday night. But for that underground OMR & Kenyan hip hop check out Hip Hop Republik on Ghetto Radio 89.5 on Tuesday night.

Pamoja!!!

I have always been a light sleeper. Unless of course I pass out from the sauce, then not even the wildebeest migration running through my room could wake me! Being a light sleeper has been made worse by the fact that I am also slightly insomniac. This has banished me to 3 decades of maximum 5 hour sleep on a good night. Last night, I was having one of those nights when every little noise stirred me up & I couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me.

It’s a well known fact that I don’t mess with pharmaceuticals but since with my new work schedule I value those 5 hours of sleep I decided to pop some pills to lay me to rest. No Amy! I took the pills then flipped to my favorite rock station and lay on the mattress replaying last night’s Soy Tu Duena episode over & over in my head. I can’t believe that Ivana killed the nanny as a result of her current psychosis! But that’s a story for another day. What I want to talk about are the dreams that I had when the pills kicked in.

First off, I was back in high school, not as a student but as a resident! For some odd reason I lived in a container (you know the kind 18 wheeler trucks tow around) in Dagoretti High School’s compound! I owned a huge television that was not inside the container but rather at a petrol station located at the school’s gate so I was watching it in open air. The show I was watching was called “Weeds” but not the regular one, this featured 2 Spanish women who hunted ghosts.

As I watched the T.V. out in the open air, all of a sudden the pitch I was sitting on came to life and from below climbed out an American Football team that was made up of mutated zombies. True story, I kid you not the zombies had mutated arms that had turned into lobster claws, others had mutated faces that resembled goats with shattered mandibles!  As I made a break for it toward the TV at the petrol station, I ran into my brother who was driving a Vitz!

What was alarming was that he was dressed in Speedos and he was using his massive legs as the motor power behind the tiny vehicle that had his son in the backseat! By now I was completely freaked out but then from the container emerged something worse! A street urchin who had to be about 6’1 popped out covered in shit! Yes, he was covered in human waste, and not the nice brown kind, no! He was covered in that Guinness flavored, dark brown almost black, steaming, stinking shit!

He offered me his hand & I immediately ran towards the football players who were now being led by a black dude who reminded me of Papa Shango! The black guy kept chanting numbers in a ghostly manner as the football players charged towards me & that’s when I heard the Foo Fighters’ Learn to fly playing real loud & it woke me up! God bless my alarm tone.

This is what I learned. Pharmaceutical use after watching a Spanish soap featuring a psychotic woman & then reading about Plaxico Buress joining the New York Jets will result in some pretty fucked up dreams!

Some tuneage! I am really feeling this Foster the People – Pumped Up Kicks. Have a good night kids!

Pamoja!!!