Kubhatiwa Bombe!!! Bashment…

“All this drinkin gon catch up/ all this smokin gon catch up/ but some niggaz just really don’t give a fuck” – Ludacris

Hey everyone that reads this blog! Sorry I don’t update as regularly as I should but what are you going to do? You will take what you can get right? If you follow the blog then by now you know that I like getting smashed more than the next guy. However, this past weekend I finally came up with a name for getting wasted out of your mind! Bashment!

Let me explain, at the local there is this dude called Bash who is like half ethiopian and other half somali, a rather nice chap who has a love for porn and electrical gadgets. Bash has issues talking swahili and his accent makes things sound so funny. When he wants to buy alcohol he says, ” Bhatiya yeye bombe”  instead of “mpe pombe” or whatever you may.

This phrase has been taken to mean getting jwizzed to the max especially when you’re not buying the booze.  I call it Bashment. Last saturday I was going to stay indoors so I curled up in bed with a good movie (watched Slumdog Millionaire for the 4th time) and a bottle of Napoleon 24 Carat Gold Brandy. Fast forward to 2a.m. I get a phone call from my girl 3 Nipples.

She tells me to head to the bar where she and some girls are chilling. Being a very loose goose I left the box to go to the bar only to find that she had left. All was not lost though coz I got to the local and the bar tenders were closing down and they wanted to share their booze. All I remember is that we got really drunk and headed to my mom’s house where I carried away a sufuria of chicken.

Yes you read right, picture a grown man in a mathree with an open sufuria of chicken! How the matatu guys didn’t refuse to carry me is beyond me. Everyone just looked at me like I was deranged. I woke up on Sunday and continued the bashment with drastic consequences but that’s a story for another post.

Bhatiwa Bombe!!!

Follow the bottle…

“Follow a dollar to the corporate offices/ Follow a dollar and you’ll find corpses” – Noreaga

I got to the work at the ass crack of dawn as I always do every morning so that I can have at least an hour on the internets before I have to start working on the plantation for the man! I went to my favorite site and found the song whose line I have quoted above. There is no better way to start a day than some soulful hip hop music.

The concept of the song is to follow a dollar that you have in your hand aand trying to trace back where it came from which got me thinking, (rare occurence, I know!), what if I followed an empty bottle? It just so happened that I saw a bottle of Kane Extra on the streets with some glue in it. Let’s have a look.

The plastic bottle starts its journey in the Dandora dumpsite where a bum picks it up and trades it to some unscrupulous cat that makes fake booze. This dude then runs it under a tap to get it clean, prints a Kane Extra label together with fake KEBS sign and slaps it on the bottle. As the glue dries, he brews some concoction that is a mixture of ethanol, some dead cats for taste and a splice (is that a word?) of Tropical Mint to conceal the dead cat stench.

This is then poured into the bottle and using some thingymajig creates the seal on  the cap and carefully taoes the KRA sign that he has been taking off legit bottles courtesy of his job at the liquor store. As soon as this is done he sells it to Mack, my friendly slum bartender, who in turn sells it to me on those days that I need to drown my sorrows and disappointment!

I down the sucker in 10 minutes and go into a trance which involves multiple nightmares and night sweats. The next morning I toss out the annoying and now empty bottle only for it to be picked up by that cobbler that fixes my messed up shoes so that he can fill it with gum to sell to a street kid.

The street kid gets it, sniffs it and in his highness decides it will be a good idea to harass this harlot looking lady outside Taco’s only to discover that she has ties with the bouncer (probably his little sister) and so he gets an ass whipping delivered at no cost immediately. The bottle falls out of his hand as he runs off battered and bruised.

I see the bottle in the morning as I pass outside Taco’s oblivious to the fact that my lips were on it about a couple nights ago until I sit down to type this. Now if I put this in rhyme form wouldn’t that be a killer record?

Click here to listen to the inpiration.

Pamoja!!!!

Despite the Puke, She was a good look!

“You’re all that I need I’ll be there for you/ If you keep it real with me I keep it real with you” – Method Man

 

Today I got in to work early and sat in front of the computer to clear up those emails that come in the dead of the night and make you feel like you’re not working at all when you left the gotdamn office at 7pm. As I was replying, forwarding and deleting I came across an email from one of my ex-girlfriends and she was asking for her stuff back. Now, I haven’t been in touch with this girl for a good 3 or 4 months but a lot of her stuff stays lying around the crib such that I even started considering them mine!

 

That’s however not what I wanted to write about because there’s nothing remotely funny about being reminded that a part of your life is over considering how much I liked this girl. However, what is funny is what lengths I am willing to go to if I like a girl. I mean really like a girl. One incident particularly comes to mind. There was this one time my homegirl invited me to a house party and it was the best kind, BYOB! BYOB parties always result in foolishness due to the obscene amount and variety of alkahol that is brought in by various individuals.

 

I decided to come through with my girl then, let’s call her Cherry. As soon as I checked into the spot mofos were eyeing her and getting all green with envy that your boy had a dime piece on his arm. I proceeded to mix drinks which was my specialty and people started to get shit faced. Cherry at first was being real cautious as to what she allowed to go down her gullet but as the hours elapsed and she got in the mood she started guzzling everything that was handed to her.

 

I didn’t bother to slow her down because I was willing to take care of her no matter what happened. Little did I know what I was getting myself into, Cherry got so drunk she started lap dancing on various of  my pals who were loving it especially coz they’re a bunch of horny buggers the DJ was playing trance and the room was lit up in neon it gave the best atmosphere. After the stripper session she went on to kiss a few of the girls at the party then out of the blues she just sat down and blacked out.

 

I got my man to bring the car around as it was my luggage and I liked her so I was going to take care of her even if it meant leaving the party early. I carried Cherry to the box and laid her out on the bed when it happened. She threw up all over the sheets man! There was her dinner, lunch, breakfast and even some dinner from the night before! It was a lot of vomit I tell you. I didn’t panic; I just cleaned her up and cleaned the vomit too. I let her sleep on the not so wet side of the mattress as I lay there on the semi wet side sipping a newly cracked open bottle of Napps.

 

The next morning we woke up and I didn’t remind her of the puke. I did crack open another bottle of liquor for her to get over her hangover and just messed her up even more. She got so wasted that by the time it was lunchtime she was more the walking dead. Then to make matters worse my mom had invited me for lunch so she passed out again at my mom’s crib where she also puked and I cleaned it up. I still really liked her though.

Therefore ladies (the few of you that read this blog), if a man cleans your vomit not once, but twice within 24 hours, that’s a man who loves you!

 

Pamoja!!!!

 

 

  

A Sober Thought On Thirsty Thursday!

“Paralysed on the bathroom floor by pain/ last month I endured but now I can’t ignore/ Feels like railroad spikes are stuck in my liver/ Am I dying, eyes crying, body starts to shiver/” – Poetic of Grave Diggaz (R.I.P)

I was going through my old cd’s yesterday when I came across a dope record by Last Emperor that had this song with Poetic which is rumoured to be the last verse that he did before he died from metastatic colon cancer. The song touched me as it lets you know that we only get one life and at the same time he lets you feel what a painful death would be like.

It got me thinking of the way that as much as I love drinking the risk of a painful death is imminent. As I sat there sipping and thinking of life I decided to get on the internets and that’s when I stumbled upon the pics that are posted below. Can you imagine that this cute boy morphed into a gremlin over a course of 10 years due to getting sipped on Syrup and having a regular diet that consists of drug and alkahol?

We laugh about it everyday on this blog but today I just thought I’d drop the humor and take time to realise that one day we’ll be like him if we don’t watch out. With that I hope you will have a great night at the bar today because its Thirsty Thursday!!!

Pamoja!!!

BBA III Housemates Review: The Pub Edition

 

“Its survival for the fittest/ only the strong survive the weak just bear witness/” – Asheru            

 

Most of you who read this blog religiously may have gathered that I live in a box and as such there is no way in hell that I can afford to have DSTV, however my mom does and every now and then I go over to her crib and watch BBA. All of you that stay up on BBA 3 know that these guys are the shit but yesterday as me and my boy, Money were talking about the show at the bar it made me think of how would it be to share a drink with them at Al’s Pub. Here are my thoughts.

 

SHEILA

She’s the Kenyan and therefore my favorite choice to get sipped with. The only problem would be that this chick is the female version of me if I was still smoking. The lady talks and cusses like me and is even the centre of most of the conversation just as myself. There would be a tug of war at the counter over who will be the source of entertainment and the winner would not be us but our friends instead.

 

RICCO

This kid is fresh to death when it comes to gear and looks great so he could pull in quite a few chicks into that man infested bar. The problem is the nigga looks gay as a Christmas tree. I’d be drinking scared for my booty hole. Angolans are gully, remember the kid that robbed 50 Cent? The dude might get gully when I’m sipped off the Napps and try some shit!

 

MUNYA

This dude is fresh. The kind of dude I would hang out with and we’d just be men. Chatting up girls and doing shots with the kid while we talk of past and future conquests. I could totally hang out with him. His only defect is the mofo comes from Zim, he could mess around and start borrowing money and asking to be bought for drinks all the time. Sidebar: Fuck Mugabe!

 

TAWANNA

I’m surprised this shawty isn’t a lesbian because she looks like she eats carpet on the regular. She’s a bitch so me and her would totally get along hating on everyone at the bar and she looks like she can attract a massive amount of lesbians to Al’s Pub and chicks are always a plus in that bar. We’ll take what we can get.

 

MIMI

This is the obligatory fat chick that Biggie has to put in the house every year. She’s sexy but what I like most is the accent and her voice. I could listen to her talk all day while we get our drink on for Sober Sunday.

 

LATOYA

I heard a rumor that her facebook profile says that she lives in Mombasa. That means that she probably has whorish tendencies and that’s a good thing. I can just see her and I getting drunk one night and then she would bang my brains out. That fivehead she has is giving Tyra Banks serious competition though!

 

TAKONDWA

My man TK! Apart from having a name that we would clown him over and over at Al’s the nigga is alright. He raps so I’d finally have someone to battle at the bar once I’ve had a couple of Napoleons. The only problem with this nucca is that like most rappers, he’s a straight bitch when it comes to falling for a chick. I’d have to listen to endless stories about how some chica broke his heart.

 

LUCILLE

This is arguably the best looking woman in the house but on the other hand she can be the most boring person on the planet. I might fuck around get drunk and forget she was at the bar and go home only to realize I left her at the bar. (Seriously, this happens more often than you’d think!)

 

HAZEL

I wouldn’t picture myself being with this chick at Al’s Pub because she looks like the uppity ass kind of woman who’ll say that she is too uptown for the place. But that’s just coz I know a high power executive that works for some investment bank who looks exactly like Hazel.

 

MORRIS

No way in hell. Can you say slow? I can’t get sipped with a nigga that needs help from a Tanzanian (they don’t speak English good) to understand primary school literature.

 

THAMI

I liked this kid initially then he threw away food in the name of a joke. This is Africa; we do not throw away food. He’ll probably also just come to Al’s and demand shit, you know thinking that this is SA where he gets priority. His jokes also suck but people fake laughter to boost his ego.

 

UTI

This nigga is big and could probably come in handy if ever there was a scuffle. What am I saying? There are never any fights at Al’s so he’d be useless.

 

Those are my thoughts of who I’d get sipped with at the local pub and why. What’s your take on that?

 

Pamoja!!!

Liquid Diet

 

“All this smoking gon catch up/ all this drinking gon catch up/ but some niggaz just really don’t give a fuck/” – Ludacris

 

Now I was conversing with one of my girlfriends who is in hospital the other day and she told me that she was on a liquid diet before her surgery. My immediate reaction was:

 

Bella: What the fuck? I need to get myself sick and camp in here with you!

Bunny: What is wrong with you! Have you been drinking?

Bella: No, but if they are going to let you get drunk before a surgery, I want that shit too!

Bunny: *slaps me on the head* This is not your kind of liquid diet you alkaholik, I just can’t eat any solids dumbazz.

Bella: Aaaaah! All this bar talk has gotten me thirsty. Happy surgery!

 

So I left Bunny and hit the bar for my daily dose of medicine and as I sat there at the counter I got to thinking about my version of the liquid diet. The liquid diet is when you consume a lot more alkahol than you do food. There is the extreme liquid diet and the moderate liquid diet. I never recommend the extreme liquid diet to anyone unless its over a 3 day weekend where recovery can be done on the 3^rd day. This is because the diet can cause serious physical harm like death or going to rehab and you know how sobriety sucks.

 

The diet also differs with what type of alkahol is being consumed as the liquid diet causes either weight loss or weight gain. Those mofos that drink beer and are on a moderate liquid diet tend to gain weight while those that drink spirits on the liquid diet will lose weight. Other conditions that the moderate liquid diet leads to will include:

• Blackout Bobbing: This is where the individual will pass out involuntarily at any place even when not drinking.
• Tongue Impotence: The individual loses his/ her sense of taste with time.
• Date Amnesia: The individual rarely knows what day of the week it is.
• Sexess: In cases where the liquid diet is practiced by a group of male and female friends then the chances that they will lay each other quadruple (see BBA 3). There could even be group sex.
• Death by Liquid: This is where the individual falls into a coma where he/ she may sleep for up to 36 hours.

 

The other conditions are too minor for me to mention on this blog. Therefore friends and enemies if you subscribe to the liquid diet I subscribe to this is a regular thing to you and you’re yawning your ass off at this post. For the rest of you, what are you waiting for?

 

Pamoja!!!

WTF Moments…

“Free like healthcare should be” – Murs           

 

I was walking down the street to Muthurwa like I do every morning to get the matatu to work when I happen to notice something that I have never before though it’s the same every morning. There is an old blind man who’s always begging for change at the fly over bridge but that’s not what caught my attention. This mofo had a radio that was blaring some vernacular station with him. That was when I reacted with the all too familiar term that the internets refer to as WTF! My brain just said it, what the fuck?

 

There stands someone that is asking you for change but the mofo has a radio with him. Why doesn’t he sell that piece of crap for a few loose hundreds to an electrician? It’s Muthurwa, the mofo couldn’t possibly miss a buyer son! This person will not and cannot convince me to spare him some change as long as he holds on to that radio. This made me think about other WTF moments that I have had in the past. Let me share some.

 

I’m walking through the city and I don’t know about you but when I’m in town I try to walk as fast as possible because I hate the way the streets are crowded and I just want to get to my destination to get away from the crowds. Then I get to a scenario where I encounter a woman who is walking so slow and swaying side to side so I can’t get past her. Now, I would be okay with it if the woman was drunk but no, she is carrying her grown ass son! The kid is damn near old enough to get laid and here is this woman carrying the mofo!

 

This is a common feature by the way and I always believe that if they are old enough to talk, poop and pee on their own then the little nuccas should be walking, I mean what the fuck? Another all too common WTF moment is the ladies that profile and front. For those that may not understand the term it generally means to act like you know or to show off and in my case it means both. Here’s one scenario.

 

I happened to be kicking it with some extremely spoilt rich kids and we were just getting hammered at Mwenda’s on every cocktail in the menu, just doing it real grand and so I got my mack on to this one chick that had her click with her. They joined us and we all went barhopping. I hated those kids because they like going to up market bars that I don’t  go to as you guys may know I like my alcohol cheap! Anyway I mentioned the bars and the girls said they had been there before but when we got to one club I realized the lie because they couldn’t find the ladies’ room!

 

Then when the rich kids suggested dropping them home the leader chick said that we should drop them in Karen. We get to Karen and my boy wants the name of the lane as being a Karen resident he knew the place pretty damn good and this bitch can’t name a lane she just says that if we dropped her off at the Nando’s then her sister would come pick her up. We do so and drive on to go pick up a bottle or something, I don’t remember really.    

 

A few minutes later we are driving back down the road and we see these chicks walking toward the bus stop and its like 3 in the morning so we stop by and they just give us an embarrassed look. One of the rich kids just says let’s keep driving on but me being a sucker I called a cab guy I know to that location and asked that he drops them wherever and I’ll pay him. The next day the mofo tells me he dropped them off in Donholm, that’s like the opposite direction of Karen and I’m screaming what the fuck? These little ass girls couldn’t quit while they were ahead? What point were they trying to pull? Be proud of Eastlands if that’s where you’re from!

 

I saw their asses again at the club and I was just shaking my head. What the fuck?

 

Pamoja!!!

HIP HOP vs RAP

“Hillary Clinton hated on you so that bitch is irrelevant” – Ludacris

I was cruising the internets on company time like I always do and before you start judging me I know you are doing the same as you read this blog post. I really enjoy the internets because it’s like reading all the newspapers in the world at the same time. Now what I stumbled upon was a video blog by this cat called Ill Doctrine over at XXL where he was talking about the Obama – Ludacris issue. Now I don’t usually weigh in on politics but I decided to speak on this as I saw it as a hip hop issue and not a political issue.

Those of you who are not Lil Wayne’s avid fans and therefore are able to read may have caught an interview that Barrack Obama did with Rolling Stone magazine where he discussed what he listens to in his iPod and he mentioned Ludacris among a slew of other artists. Obama has also personally met with Luda to discuss policy issues pertaining to the youth. Due to this, Ludacris who must obviously be a Lil Wayne fan, even though he graduated Summa Cum Laude, made up his mind that he must be Obama’s favorite rapper. This is despite the fact that in the Rolling Stone interview Obama hinted that Jay Z was his favorite rapper. Sidebar: Lil Wayne fans don’t read because Luda would have read this.

Seeing as he is Obama’s favorite rapper in his mind Luda did a song called Politics where he shows love to Obama in a Thugnificent kind of way. Let me make it simpler for you my dear reader, he wrote and recorded a rap record. A rap record that shows love will diss the opponents of anyone who does not show love to the person being given props using all the derogatory terms the said ignorant rapper can spit. Rather than go deep on issues like a hip hop record (think Nas – Black President) it is random humorous name calling.

The rap record is never to be taken seriously especially if the artist’s name is Ludacris but that’s the opposite with White America, they take Luda’s new record as gospel of what Obama represents. Now they are up in arms talking about the evil non American person that he is. Shit, even DJ Drama who did this joint must have not thought too much of it as he let Luda spit it over Young Buck’s Get Buck! Rappers and rap lyrics are not to be taken seriously as these people are dudes that just want money and fame. Hip Hop has been tainted by rap and Emcees by rappers. Real hip hop is out there that tackles relevant issues but due to the man wanting to keep it suppressed it stays in the underground.

Stop taking rappers seriously and give real emcees the seriousness that they deserve! If we don’t, eventually rap will kill hip hop.

Pamoja!!!

Random Ridiculousness!

“Before you learn how to rhyme/ you better learn how to add, its mathematics/ – Mos Def

 

I wanted to write about my birthday but then about a paragraph into the damn thing I got bored. Then I wanted to write about hip hop and then again I got stomped. I have therefore decided to just start typing and whatever ridiculous thought that comes to mind goes down on the page. The other day it came out that Rick Ross used to be Mr. Johnny Law. This would have not really been an issue had Ross just shut the fuck up and let the blogs have a field day with it to the point that these bloggers have actually pulled up stuff on Ross’ mother and shit. Either way it provides for great humour when you’re bored in the office as I am. Everyone’s making jokes about it.

 

The other thing I have noticed is that I have weird mannerisms, behaviours and beliefs. I know everyone will act a certain strange way time to time but mine are the ones that people will always comment on when they see or get to hear about them. Let me share with you a few:

 

I never go to church….at all.

I used to go to church up until I was 18 when I got disillusioned by all the different religions that there are and yet He is only one God. Ever since I decided that I will not let myself be drugged dragged into their bullshit and will instead pray to God on my own. I don’t believe in religion I believe in God.

 

I pray in the bathroom in the morning over a basin of water.  

As some of you may or may not know I live in a box with no running water which means that every morning I have to do what my boy The D.I. calls “the squats” i.e. I bathe in a basin/ pail of water. Before I do so every morning I pray to God before I touch the water. It’s just a weird habit I developed. It’s so serious that whenever I see a basin it reminds me of prayer.

 

I crap bucky nekkid. That’s butt naked for all you Lil Wayne fans (read slow negroes)

I went to a good boarding school known as Ditchez. Good school means that it was like a prison where teenagers are treated like the little pieces of human garbage that they truly are. We were tortured in all manner and form. Even enjoyable stuff like eating became terrible due to the food they served. Anyway the toilets had a stench that would stay on your clothes for hours so we always stripped down to our boxers before we ventured in to do our thing. Ever since those years I strip down to my boxers whenever I want to take a crap. I will walk in with clothes, yes but before I sit to do the dirty, I have to strip.

 

I have this thing where when I get drunk I want to eat hair.

This will however only occur if I am in the presence of a Nubian or Asian queen with authentic 100% made by God hair. I get drunk then I just find myself being lured towards taking a good clean healthy bite of her hair in the attempt to satisfy my need to include hair in the diet. I don’t even know what nutritional benefits hair has if any. Some people have called it a fetish, but I beg to differ, I think it’s just a drunken compulsion.

 

These are but a few of my quirks, I would have put down more but I’m too lazy to continue writing. I have given you enough fodder for you talk about on your boring date with the office accountant named Felicitus.

 

Pamoja!!!  

 

Lil Wayne Can Totally Smash Your Chick…If He Was Straight…

“She’s my friend she doesn’t judge me/ she has no idea I’m ugly/ So I’ve absolutely nothing to hide/ Because I’m so much prettier inside/” – Ceelo of Gnarls Barkley

Its been a hot minute since I decided to blog about anything. I just kind of lacked the inspiration needed to constantly write for free for a bunch of clowns who’ll in turn call you an alkaholik wanker. It’s kind of like being a teacher, a thankless job really. However thanks to a few friends I think I’m being inspired again and so I will put my finger to the keyboard and tell you about a little observation I made earlier this week.

I was lounging in my humble abode that I will from now on refer to as the box, just sipping on some good stuff some sweet sweet J&B and masturbating holding my nuts. I decided to cruise tv land as I can’t access the internets from the box. Now before you dudes start to think that I’m on some kind of DSTV shit I’ll have you know that my set can only get up to four channels so it wasn’t like I was spoilt for choice when I had to pick between some crappy news about the middle east, an old movie I watched a hundred some odd times, a sitcom that I couldn’t hear a word of on account of the static and my arch nemesis…Lil Wang Wayne.

Lil Weasel Weezy performing live for his fan club was what I ran into on KBC and I had to pause and watch because of two reasons. First, I caught his set just when he was doing lollipop and I wanted to hear him without the vocoder and see how absolutely rubbish it would be. The other reason I decided to watch this little performance was at the outrageously female dominated crowd. As a matter of fact I don’t think that there was a dude in the audience. Its like Birdman was jealous of his little plaything protege finding a jump off and ordered that the fan club only let in the girls.

I figured that there would be some good looking broads in the crowd for me to ogle while Lil Wayne was croaking in the background. This ended up to be a invalid reason coz I could barely make out the girl’s faces, what with the cameras staying on Weezy except at only one point when my eye caught a girl with a ridiculously large bottom (those girls from the south could give Kenyan girls competition). Anyway what surprised me is how much the girls were screaming young dude’s lyrics. He was performing lollipop which by the way he pulled of quite well without a vocoder partly because he sounds like a troll on Sweet Menthol of course.

What was particularly amusing was when he got to the part where he says, “hit it hit it like I can’t miss” he did this thing with his groin that looked like he was tip toeing while someone had a leash on his shlong! The girls went nuts! That wasn’t it though I start getting into gayboy’s antics and next he’s doing leather so soft and he has a guitar with him on stage and before I know it he’s strumming the hook. Not that he was any good, he sucked balls but the surprise was that he can actually play a little bit. I used to think the syrup got him retarded. As if this wasn’t enough, the boy would pull another fast one on me. He started talking about his favorite ho guest verse which he said was the verse he laid on the remix to Shawty Lo’s Dey Know.

 Now I don’t mess with the radio so I had no clue that there was a remix to this song and what surprised me the most was that as soon as the beat started knocking seriously and he jumped off into the verse, the girls were screaming his lyrics louder than Lil Woody Wayne was. I haven’t seen girls react like that since LL Cool J, and with Uncle L it was coz he sang for the ladies and was really good looking. But the gremlin? Could it be that gay dude appeal? I mean they think he’s their equivalent to my Rakim. Nullus.

That’s when it hit me that we need to be thankful, as men, that this guy gets pounded in the bum by Birdman and that he lives on the other side of the globe. That’s because at this rate, the boy can lay the pipe in any woman who has the capacity to listen to the radio and watch television. The man would smash the daylights out the head of your little girlfriend.

So all in all I believe that the troll aka gremlin’s performance deserved at least one thumb up…what do you think?

Pamoja!!!