Big Brother Revolution Housemates Review: Alkaholik Version

“I like the way she licks her lips/ see me jockin/ put a little twist in her hips coz I’m watchin” – 2Pac

The Big Brother Africa phenomenon is upon us again. This time it’s been dubbed Big Brother Revolution. I have chosen to do as I did last year due to your requests. Here’s the  alkaholik perspective on the housemates.

TEDDY

My favorite housemate and unfortunately the first one evicted. This dude is fresh and is so funny, he’s the kind of guy you want to have at the monthly houseparty. He’s also the likely partner in crime when you do some messed up antics that get you banned from the local.

JEREMY

I love that this guy provides eye candy for the girls and so I give him his props but that’s where it stops. He’s otherwise too boring for. He can only be useful for pulling chicks at the bar, and then I can take over the entertaining bit. We can have a symbiotic drinking relationship.

KEVIN

Naija boys are taking over so this dude can be the best to roll with in order to get into clubs free. He raps so I could probably claim he’s M.I. once I throw some stunners on him. I can see myself kicking freestyles with him and jacking his brilliant t-shirts.

PALOMA

AKA Gari Kubwa. Paloma has the quintessential traditional African body. With an infectious laugh and smile the only downer would be when she tells everyone to stop drinking at midnight when Jonah has just started hooking us up with free cocktails!

LIZIWE

She has some serious DSL’s. She loves Jay-Z so that’s cool but she strikes me as the gold digging type especially the way she’s always quick to deny this. I could booze with her at the crib but not at a bar as she’ll probably order the expensive shit and you know Bella don’t play that!

KRISTAL

She is uber confident which I like, no, love! She is the kind of girl that when you have by your side, it commands attention. She knows how to handle her drink and the only downer would be buying her numerous cigarettes. She’s super connected too so you can expect to mingle with the uppity class.

YACOB

Very laid back and knows his booze but is a serious manipulator. This dude is the kind who’ll have the table laughing earlier in the night but fighting each other by the end of the drink plan. I wouldn’t hang with him and a bunch of volatile people.

EDWARD & ERASTUS

The twins who all the girls think are disrespectful to women. I love Erastus’ weird stories so I can definitely picture hanging out with him on numerous drink sessions. His brother, not so much. However, I would never pass out around these two because they may pull some white boy shit on you (picture a carrot up your ass).

QUINN aka SKELEMBANI

The white boy. I have some professional issues in common with him with regards to radio and so we can bond over that. When it comes to drinks, I wouldn’t let him tag along when we hit joints frequented by the ladies of the night coz we’d have to beat them off with a stick!

EMMA

The boss bitch! I mean that in the nicest way possible. This chick is hot and she wears the trousers in her relationship with Jeremy. I can’t see myself hanging out with her as she’ll dictate everything from the watering hole to home time.

GERALDINE

She can play a mean guitar but then claims to be saved and is kind of shy. If her twin is the direct opposite of her character wise, I’d rather hang with her.

NKENNA

This is the one you’d take to the club when you want to dance. She can shake it, No long ting! Bad drinking partner though.

MZAMO

Now this is a girl I would love to have a drink with. Her voice may be annoying but damn, I can see us getting up to some serious debauchery. I hope she gets that money!

LOENEL

He’s a DJ so we can gel over the music. However, he’s a martial artist and I abhor violence and exercise. I don’t see any drinking prospects with this one coz like most DJ’s he doesn’t drink excessively.

MAGGIE

The model, definitely instrumental when you need a date for one of those cocktails where the guests are mostly white people, like at that German ambassadors’ Kikwetu gig. That’s it!

EDNA

I can see myself drinking myself to a stupor as she regales me with stories in her portugese accent. She was evicted on the 1^st week so didn’t get to know her.

WAYOE

The politically conscious rasta! I can never have a drink with this guy. In Maina’s words, Never Ever! Don’t get me wrong, I am a pretty conscious brother……..when I’m sober then I need a drink!

PHIL

I loved this dude’s Rick Ross beard but he strikes me as the kind of guy who’d get his feelings hurt by my insensitive jokes. I may have beers with him but no Waragi coz I’d be talking so much shit, the bartender would need a pooper scooper!

RENE

This white girl struck me as the kinky type so it would be crazy to get high around her as it may result in some tantric sex!

ELIZABETH

I love her being the new generation of mixed race Indian Africans. However she stays talking about her tattoos! We can bond over a shot or two but nothing heavy.

HANNINGTON AKA BLACK JESUS

My second favorite housemate and now that Teddy’s gone, the one I’d like to see get the cash then Mzamo. I like him coz he can be very funny when he wants to and looks like he can party. However, he is a poser, at times pretending to know so that he doesn’t come off uninformed. I see us tearing down East Africa!

Barrack that vote! Don’t let Hanni be evicted! Vote Here!

Pamoja!!!

THE LONELY STONER

“Life is better, now that, I’ve found you” – Norah Jones on Q-Tip’s Life Is Better

I watch the credits roll up the screen at the end of the Filipino soap I just finished watching on one of the local channels. I mute the TV and turn up the volume on Q-Tip’s Renaissance that I just pressed play on in the CD changer. The night time is the best time to enjoy the music I think as I throw back a shot of cheap brandy. It hits the back of my throat and works its way down my gullet as the effects go straight to my head. I need a cigarette.

I grab my menthols and a matchbox. Pausing the music and switching on the lights, I make my way down the stairs. I try not to wake anyone else, walking on the tip of my toes as the wooden staircase creaks with every step I take. The clock on the wall says that it’s half an hour past midnight as I turn the key to unlock the door and I step outside. The night air is divine. I take it in as I pull the door shut behind me. It feels as if the darkness cleanses the air of all the pollutants that are present in it during the light.

I take a seat on the garden chair that stands on the concrete that was once green and spark the cancer stick between my lips. I drag; inhale, exhale and watch the smoke vanish into the air. Funny, it’s kind of like the memories of friends that I have had & lost or lost touch with over the years. I recall only a handful now. The blame may lie on a number of things but mainly the drugs that consume the memories but stimulate inspiration. All the places I have been and all the things that I have done all I ever retain is the experience. I may not recall minute details but I vividly remember the feeling.

The wind turns the pages that lay before me reminiscent of life’s experiences. The night then becomes deathly quiet as the cars have stopped whizzing by on the highway. The moon disappears. The cigarette burns down to the filter and my high comes down. The inspiration stops. The night breeze no longer hits my face as if to say that the wind has gone to sleep. Sleep. How I long to sleep. I’ve been out here long enough.

Pamoja!!!

Hip Hop Quotable

Taking you back to the days The Source rocked, Hip Hop Quotable:

“I was gon kill a couple rappers but they did it to themselves/ I was gon do it wit the flow, but they did it wit they cells/ I was gon 9/11 ‘em, but they didn’t need the help/ and they did a good job the boys jus talented as hell/ coz not only did they brick, they put a building up as well/ then ran a plane into that building and when that building fell/ ran to the crash site with no mask and inhaled/ toxics deep inside they lungs until both of them was fail/ blew a cloud out like an L/ into a jar, then took a smell/ coz they heard that second hand smoke kills/ niggaz thought they was ill/ found out they was ILL/ and it was like you knew exactly how I wanted you to feel/

This is the 3^rd Verse on Thank You from Jay-Z’s Blueprint 3. I just had to share this.

Pamoja!!!

The Blueprint 3 – Jay-Z Album Review

“For the colour of money like a Tom Cruise flick/ Except I put eight balls on corners without using pool sticks” – Jay-Z

What we talking bout feat Luke

This is the “keeping it real” joint. A great introduction to the older Jay Z who’s not willing to go back and shuns his and other rappers youthful asinine lyrics. It prepares you for the mature content (read: how ridiculously wealthy and dope he is)

Thank you

I love the production on this one the minute the beat drops. It’s reminiscent of 90’s golden era summer rap music, very Kaygee-esque. The production credits go to Ye and No I.D. This is the most quotable song on the whole record. Absolutely brilliant. I hope the rest of the album keeps this tempo. Only Hov can get his brag swag on to a thousand trillion and sound modest.

D.O.A

This is the single that dropped and changed my mind about this album being another piece of crap like Kingdom Come. Stellar production by No I.D, gutter lyrics speaking on what was on every rap fan’s mind.

Run This Town feat Rihanna & Kanye West

This is Jay’s most successful single to date, topping charts in the UK and US. Apart from Ye & No I.D.’s beats on this and Ye’s verse, the song is sub par. Jay spits so lazy and Ri Ri just annoys the crap out of me like nails on a chalk board. FFWD to Ye’s verse and skip to the next track.

Empire State of Mind feat Alicia Keys

I love the production by relatively new kid on the block, Al Shux, definitely head bobbing music mayne! This is the soundtrack to New York, Jay paints a picture of his home town in a way that only he could. I feel like this is the 5^th Ave version of N.Y. State of mind by Nas.

Real As It Gets feat Jeezy

This beat sounds like that one song on The Inspiration, “What you taking bout”. It’s very laid back, bang it in your whip music. It’s not anything classic but has some good lines, “Hov’s the audio equivalent of Braille/ that’s why they feel me in the favelas in Brazil”

On To The Next One feat Swizz Beatz

The drum kick is kind of hyphy at the jump off. Dance fans may recognize this sample from the Justice hit record D.A.N.C.E. This would be great in the club, seems that’s what Swizzy is good for these days. Jay lets the world know how ridiculously papered he is these days. “Niggaz in the same spot/ me I’m dodging raindrops/ meaning I’m on vacay/ chilling on the big yacht/ Yeah I got on flip flops/ white Louis boat shoes/ yall should grow the fuck up/ come here let me coach you/. Shots fired at the haters. DMX? On to the next one.

Off that feat Drake

“Welcome to the future”? Then I hear the same old wack Timbaland pop beats? The flow is ridiculous I can only wish the beat could have been the same. Drake pulls a Patti La Belle, only singing the hook. I think it’s a waste.

A Star Is Born feat J Cole

An ode to all the rappers that came through and smashed the game commercially, from Mase to Weezy. It wouldn’t be Jay without shots fired at the usual suspects like P, Fif and X. Jay makes sure to let us know he has longevity over all the others. The kid J Cole holds his own, peep this, “Clap for him/ then applaud Hov he gave him the platform/ flow so sick thought he wrote the rap for him/ No sir, the flow cold as the shoulders of gold digger hoes when a broke nigga approaches/ told yall focus man/ I’ll let you mothafuckaz soak it in/” WHAT!!!!!!!!

Venus vs Mars

The beat sounds like Timbaland jocking that Scott Storch beat of the Tipping Point, don’t say nothing.I like the opposite attracts concept to relationships from the hook up to the break up. “Was supposed to takeover, I caught her bumping ether” “Then for the Ponzi scheme shawty just made off” LOL! Yall who don’t stay up on current affairs won’t catch that last one.

Already Home feat Kid Cudi

The kid Cudi pulls a Patti La Belle. 30 seconds in and my head is already bobbing! Very mellow in true Kid Cudi style, Ye and No I.D. provide the perfect canvas for Jay to paint on. “ Niggaz is mad/ oh they call me a camel/ but I’ll last in the drought/ what the fuck I’m an animal”. Good stuff!

Hate feat Kanye West

808’s revisited. Ye opens this with some wack nursery rhyming. This is the ultimate brag swag jam as Jay Z blows his trumphet harder than a Mad House hooker blows a white dude holding dollars. It’s not that good, thank God it’s short.

Reminder

Jay Z reads blogs? Wow! “All bloggers with comments, please I come in peace/ let’s see if I can cure your amnesia by the time I leave/”. I  like it, Jay reminds us of all his achievements. It’s apparently produced by Timbaland, sounds different in a good way. “What the hell have you done/ to even have an opinion on what I’ve been doing/ what the hell have yall won/ only thing you can identify with is losing” OUCH!!!!!

So Ambitious feat Pharell

This beat reminds me of that one song on Universal Mind Control, Punch Drunk Love. The Neptunes need to step their game up. I love this record though because it provides inspiration to anyone who’s ever wanted to make it at something and gotten put down by everyone around you. Head bobbing joint!

Forever Young feat Mr. Hudson

Mr. Hudson does justice to Alphaville’s “Forever Young” that Jay and Ye have sampled for this one. I can relate to this song! I feel this way everyday! Jay should consider doing a club remix for this, I can see my boy Turbo Funk spinning the house version at Double Inn loosely on a nigga’s birthday!

Jay-Z is definitely still one of the best emcees to ever pick up a microphone and even as he turns 40, he’s managed to record one of the best hip hop albums I have listened to in a minute. Not a classic like The Blueprint but way better than any other album in between.

Best Joints: Thank You, D.O.A, Empire State of Mind, Already Home, Forever Young.

Pamoja!!!

10 Years Wiser – Wyre Album Review…It’s a long one!

I am so late on my reviews so give a brother a break if you’ve been banging these joints for a minute. I’ve been trying to detoxify and become a better person before the turn of the year. Check it though; I decided to start off with a dude who’s been doing it big for the past decade! I’m going in!

Intro

Really fresh! Nice way to jump off. The kick is reminiscent of that Sean Paul jam about watch the girl ‘em roll. He should have done a full length record on this beat.

Uprising

The one on radio and TV. This was actually produced and mixed by Arif Cooper himself in Jamaica! To the reggae challenged, this is the dude who created the relationships riddim that Wyre and everyone’s mother sang over. I like it.

Everyday

A Ulopa production. It sounds girly and I’m sure the ladies will love this one. It’s typical Love Child. Ulopa did a good job on production though.

Usiniache feat Chege

This one has Chege from TMK on it! Excited. Definite banger! Great production and I’m shocked to see Maich Black in the credits! This joint has more surprises than BBA Revolution. The downside about the beat is that it sounds like Musyoka circa 2006, which if you think about is still pretty fantastic.

Without You

It starts off as a ballard. Some danceable finger snaps on this. Very sentimental lyrics. I was reviewing this as my girlfriend was listening and she was ecstatic. Dudes if you’re in the doghouse, bump this shit!

Top of the game

Another great beat from Ulopa. Dancehall! Sad that I had to reduce the volume as my girl took a call. Definitely a club banger, must be played loud coz otherwise lyrically it fails to really grab your attention.

Sina Makosa

Goodness! Wyre tried to put a new spin on this classic. I must admit the ragga feel is fresh, especially the synths.

Bringing it home feat P-Square

Sigh! P-Square are on this one. It’s kind of screwed up crunk. Once again, Ulopa on the beat. I don’t think it’s that good but I’m sure P-Square fans will love it. This song has the potential to get both the East and West African fans motivated.

Bigga Tune

Oooh! Sexy Chick Voice! This is the brag swag jam, Wyre let’s the world know how dope his shit is. It’s alright, very reggae-esque.

Njoo Nami

A love jam with brilliant chords that make me think of Harry Kimani. Wyre has dedicated this one to the wifey, lovely! Definitely a jam that will be played at yuppie weddings as the couple enjoys their first dance. (Hanifa)

Can’t Change feat Navio

My man Navio makes a guest appearance on this. It’s very hip hop! Navio rips the beat a new one, sample this, “You can judge me if you want/ you can try to change me but you won’t/ it’s East Africa till the death of me/ Everybody heated up, Yeah I got the recipe/”. This is getting old but it’s Ulopa, once again on the production tip. Fuego!

Good Man

Very conscious! This is a well written song for the working man. I was chanting to this mayne. Had he included one of the Mau Mau rappers on this, shit would be a classic.

All for you feat. Faze

This is very high energy. One of my favorite Naija boys, Faze is on this one. Produced by Maich Black, sounding like Musyoka circa ’06, the lyrics are weak and its dedicated to Naija girls. Hmmmmm…….

Run Dem

This one is kind of boring due to its Crunk-esque nature. It’s produced by Ulopa

Don’t get enough

Another boring song, makes me wonder if these last two are fillers. The album is long enough so what’s the deal with these two? On the upside, the beat is sick and sounds young.

Track like what

Wow these are many songs!  Great production from Ulopa. If Wyre drops this as a single and gets great dancers showing their moves, this one could be a monster! DNG would have hyped this beat more than Wyre does.

Kolo feat. Nicon

Nicon, Naija boys based in USIU make an appearance here. This has the potential to be a big tune. It appeals well to both the East and West African market. Big up Dillie for the beat but did I hear one of the boys rap, “Shake your bacchus”?

What do they know

This is a love song. Gay! FFWD!

Overprotective

I’ve heard this one before, it’s rather old but cool. I got up to dance to this.

Protect Me

Loving the beat mayne! It’s kind of roots reggae. I would say it’s the best record in the album.

This album is rather long but definitely worth the time and money. I however feel that I’d have been better off without “Run Dem” and “Don’t get enough”. I’ll keep it in rotation in my changer definitely.

Best Jams: Protect Me, Kolo, Good Man, Usiniache, Can’t Change

Pamoja!!!

The Queen Mother

“Just working with the scraps you were given/ my mama made miracles every thanksgiving/” – 2Pac

I was thinking about 2Pac today. Most of you know that I am a hip hop fan and therefore this comes as no surprise. However I only love one album by 2Pac, “Me against the world”, and one album by his alter ego, Makaveli, “The Don Killuminati”. The reason for this is that these albums’ lyrics transcended Pac’s wack ass flow and I relate to most of the records on both albums. 2pac came to mind today as I watched this Naija movie called My Story. It got me thinking about the most important woman in a boy’s life, the queen 2Pac immortalized in song, Dear Mama.

I was thinking about the way a mother deeply affects the decisions that a young man makes with regards to dating and marriage. You see, there I was seated there with my mom watching this amazing 3 part Naija epic where the mother to this poor chap torments her daughter in law because she isn’t from the same class/ pedigree as her and her son. The dude had been raised solely by the mother and as such, homeboy was still a mama’s boy just as numerous young men in Nairobi are.

As we were regaled by this tale, my mom played the full protagonist and I the antagonist, as always. My mom was really rooting for this ass clown to leave his mother’s house so that he can live happily ever after with the ghetto girl. I was for the idea that, were it a real life scenario it could never happen. Picture this; the dude manages his mother’s businesses, lives in his mother’s mansion and on top of all that, was raised by this single mother. How in God’s name does a mama’s boy like that turn his back on all that wealth and the woman he has known all his life?

This will get me in trouble with the likes of Ciru Muiruri who want men with balls the size of watermelons, but the truth is that mommy dearest will turn any man into a little bitch! Sans balls! Our mothers always know our weaknesses and will never hesitate to exploit these weaknesses to get us to do their bidding. I am not married but I have dated my fair share of women who mama didn’t approve of. As much as I never broke up with any of them due to that reason, mama’s opinion always made it that much easier to exit when the boredom kicked in. I’m just saying.

It might seem like it’s a bitch move from a lady’s point of view but best believe that if the shoe was on the other foot and daddy was telling his little girl how much of a loser I was, she’s bolt like Usain from the relationship. There’s an upside to this Maternal/ Paternal pressure however. I have come to realize as I get older, I care less and less about external pressure from not only my mama but even from my peers. I bow more to internal pressure from my desires and dreams, what I need to achieve for me. I hope the same goes for everyone.

I now wonder what the point of this post was. I think it was to encourage you to watch more African shit and listen to positive music.

Pamoja!!!

Toast To The Original B Boy…Michael Jackson for the slow ones!

“Too high to get over/ yeah yeah/ too low to get under/ yeah yeah/” – Michael Jackson

Yesterday, I went to bed in a drunken stupor after self medicating on some cheap liquor with the lyrical genius of Craig G bangin in the background. I was pretty out of it and as such didn’t have the energy to pick up my cell phone when I heard its annoying beep signaling an incoming message at the stroke of midnight. When I awoke at 0430h I quickly checked the text message which was from my cousin Kay and there it was in four words, “Michael Jackson just died”.

I immediately switched over to all the major news networks, CNN, Sky News, BBC, all of who up and till now as I sit here typing this have covered the story in great detail, showcasing the icon who recorded what has come to be known as the greatest and biggest selling album of all time, Thriller. As an 80’s baby I was greatly influenced by MJ. From the days when the only channel we had was VOK and I sat there as a child on Sunday nights watching Fred Obachi Machoka on Music Time, he would introduce Michael’s groundbreaking videos by telling the older adults to make room for the young ones as he was about to play “Bad”, “Beat it” or any other of the plethora of vidz from Michael’s catalogue.

Today it would be crazy if I didn’t take time out to pay tribute to a great artist who inspired all manner of entertainers from boy bands to stand up comedians, hip hop emcees to soul artists, screen actors to stage dancers. To the greatest entertainer ever, I will always admire you Michael. Like Bob, Nina, Billy, Frank, Biggie, Big L and Pac, you will always be in my CD changer and in my memories.

To the original Break Boy, I’ll be break dancing while I sip my Napoleon tonight.

Pamoja!!!

Shortest Post! The Editors!

“There’s a devil at your side with an angel on her wing” – The Editors

If you have read this blog since day one when it first premiered on Kenyanblogger and followed it till Kenyanblogger went down and it got a new home on wordpress, then you ill have noticed that once in a while I will talk about hip hop as I am a true to life hip hop head since I was 10. One thing a lot of people that have met me in person always find themselves amazed about is that I listen to all genres of music and surprising to most I listen to quite a bit of rock music.

As is the case with rap music, I prefer alternative rock but I’ll listen to anything of it is sonically satisfactory (pleasant to the ear for the slow ones). As I find is happening more and more these days, ever since I was declared unemployed, I seem to wake up and listen to rock music to help me get over some of the crazy thoughts that run in my head with relation to monetary issues. I received a mix CD from a friend that contained a song called Racing Rats by The Editors. I hadn’t listened to the band before and I decided to look for the album that contained the song coz it was so fucking good!

I haven’t been able to get time with my music supplier so I wasn’t able to get it up until I went over to use my brother’s computer and there it was! The album is incredible. I listened to the whole thing and it is absolutely fantastic. I may be a little late on this one but I am letting all of you know that these guys really rock and if you are a rock fan you must check them out.

Got any bands that an alkaholik should check out? Holla! But for now check out Racing Rats.

Pamoja!!!!

Transformers 2….really?

“Get the picture, now commit the crime/ when it’s on I transform like Optimus Prime” – DMX

I miss 1999. That was one great year. It was the year that I completed high school, it was the year that Eminem dropped his first LP, The Slim Shady LP and it was the year of the dog. What do I mean by that, 1999 was the year that saw DMX at his prime with 2 incredible albums and a rough, rugged and raw rhyming style that blew me away as a teen writing my own rhymes. I was reminded of this wonderful year by the trailer to the upcoming Transformers 2 movie, “Revenge of the Fallen” that I received in my email this morning.

I didn’t think that the first Transformers movie was all that but then again what comic book geek such as myself ever thinks that the movie adaptation to any comic was great? (See Punisher, Blade, Superman…the list is endless) I did however think they did a pretty good job especially with the effects, it’s just the character distortion that I didn’t and never appreciate and Hollywood stays doing it. Anywho, back to the Transformers 2 trailer, my brother had already peeped it and said it looked fan-fucking-tastic (I paraphrase) but I laughed it off.

Now I am forced to swallow my words. The trailer looks awesome, showing the transformation and action sequences from a few scenes as well as giving a taste of one of the new characters which looks like something out of Beast Wars (which I never gave a shit about, mind you). The trailer brings to mind Entourage, when they did the amazing trailer for Medellin but the movie was absolute shit! It is a Michael Bay film which is a plus for action movie lovers but Bay isn’t exactly known for his depth in bringing out a story so I don’t entirely look forward to it.

All in all it will drive the crowds into the cinema halls in Nairobi as they keep feeding us with the blockbusters as they explode across the summer screens in the US. I’ll just do this movie the way I do with my liquor, wait for the cheap or free bootleg to drop. Who knows, Megan Fox might show a boob in this one….NOT!

Pamoja!!!

Of Old Broads Getting Dressed

“I ain’t payin no admission/ Sticky Fingaz I can’t even pay attention” – Sticky Fingaz (Stating the obvious)

It’s been forever since I’ve written and I’ve truly missed this. The reasons behind the hiatus are that I have been in between employment opportunities with a bit of bad luck consecutively but I’m positive and keeping my head up. The other reason is that I haven’t been drinking much due to the economic predicament that I find myself in and as the blog is called Alkaholik Kronicklez, there hasn’t been much to chronicle!

That’s neither here nor there for now coz I’m back now with broke sober views on life and various things that I observe on a day to day. Let’s take for example today, I left the box early so that I could get the internets café early before the rush that leads to service slower than snail mail. I got myself together, fresh to death and headed out into the city. I got into a matatu with quite a few good looking girls in it including my girl K-Dub who is a ten, the end! I get the back seat coz I usually prefer to sit at the window on the left side, these matatus get real stuffy as you sit in the traffic jam on Uhuru highway and I need my air!

I am a fat brother so I sweat a lot and real easy too. Anyway as we come down Lang’ata road the matatu picks up this woman who had to be about fifte fae (55 for the slow ones) and she comes to the back seat and sits next to me. I smile at her randomly just as a show of courtesy coz she seemed a bit uneasy and unkempt. After about 3 minutes this old broad starts to rummage through her big ass handbag (tool box) and takes out some underarm roll on deodorant. She then proceeds to lower her blouse and rub it into her armpits like she was digging for gold up in there.

I am in shock and I quickly turn away to avoid any eye contact with her sagging breasts god forbid I go blind or vomit in my mouth and then proceed to choke on it and die! As soon as she is done she pulls back her blouse and I relax a bit but then the old broad digs through her tool box and breaks out the make up and she starts putting on her war paint while we’re held up in traffic on Uhuru Highway. This isn’t so bad so I just watch her in awe. The lady then combed her hair and then tied it up with a great hair band in a lovely soulful manner.

By now she has made the transformation from crazy looking broad to presentable lady. Then I noticed the sagging teats and the continuous rummaging through the tool box. I put 2 and 2 together and came up with 22! She was searching for her bra! No way was I going to go blind or choke on my own vomit before realizing my dreams so I urged the conductor to drop me off at Agip before she started putting on her brain the mathree!

I got off in time and didn’t look back lest I turn into a pillar of salt! I really need to perfect my driving so that I can stop using public transport. But on the one hand I gave that old lady props for managing her time spent in traffic well.

Pamoja!!!!